This Therapist's Therapy

  As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other? So I'm going to provide a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting. Last week I shared Rule #1 -   Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. This week, I'm sharing Rule #2 -  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully. You've heard it before, or probably even said it..."You made me feel..." or "You always/never..." It's pretty common to take out your anger by directing it toward your spouse. But, as you can probably imagine, approaching things that way usually immediately puts yo

As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other? So I'm going to provide a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting. Rule #1 -  Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you truly angry because your partner left their dishes on the kitchen counter, dirty socks on the bedroom floor, or trash overflowing...again?  Those probably aren't the real reason you're upset, frustrated or angry. Those are just the icing on the cake. Those are just signs of a deeper problem. Or are you really upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence?  Before you lash

Relational Equity is the equivalent of money in the bank.  In a relationship, we build up equity with affirmation, kindness, love, support, encouragement, honesty, and vulnerability.  We need to deposit more than we withdraw.  However, by building up enough relational equity, it makes space for the hard truths and difficult conversations.  If we have enough relational "money in the bank", then there is grace for real talk, honest conversations.  It's important to always be mindful of our relational account balances with our spouse/partner, so we know when and if we can make a withdrawal or if we need to make more deposits.  It's always wise to make sure there's never a negative balance. If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication or harmony in your relationships, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com . I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California

 Should We Get Couples Counseling? One of the most common things I hear from people who are seeking couples' counseling is  "We have communication issues."   Well what does that mean?   For most people, it means that they haven't learned how to communicate in a way in which the other person can truly hear them.  It also means they haven't learned how to listen to understand instead of listening to respond.  There's a big difference! Most of us, when in a difficult conversation or argument, immediately get defensive.   It's a normal human response.  But it's not a healthy response.  And it's one of the main things that causes "communication issues" with couples. So what do you do to fix it? There are several strategies you can try: 1)  Reflective Listening 2)  Time Outs 3) Over-Communicating Reflective Listening   is allowing your partner to share what's on their mind, what's bothering them, without interruption.  It is truly liste

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about God's calling for my life.  I know He called me me to be a therapist in private practice, helping people through difficult times in their lives. This has been clear to me since I was in the 8th grade.  Over the years, God has given me vision and direction on what He wants me to do with the gift He's given me.   I struggle with whether I want to market myself as a Christian Counselor or as a Therapist who is a Christian and has a faith based practice.  However you see me or view my practice, it's important to know that I grew up in a Christian family and have been a Christian, a follower of Christ since a very young age.  This influences who I am, how I act, and how I respond to clients.  It calls me to be humble and kind.  It calls me to be empathetic and honest.   I never push Christianity, religion, or faith on any clients.  I understand it has to be a choice, not something that is pushed on you, especially in a space such as 

  Welcome Back, Everyone!  Wait....you weren't gone, I was.  I took a vacation with my husband to celebrate our birthdays.  The cruise we had originally planned was cancelled, due to COVID, but we took some time to go enjoy nature, hiking in the redwoods. But let's go ahead and jump back into learning about respect.  We'll be covering tips # 61 - 70 today. 61)  If you break something that belongs to the other person, fix it (or replace it). That just seems like common courtesy to me.  It reminds me of the Proverb, "Do unto others as you would like done to you."  Treat others the way that you'd like to be treated in a similar situation.  The other person shouldn't have to pay the cost of your mistake.  To fix or replace it, shows the other person that you care about them and their belonging to make things right.  Otherwise, all you're saying with your actions (or inactions), is that the other person doesn't mean much to you at all and their belongin

  Thank you for continuing to join me on this series about respect.  This week, I had a few moments with my husband when I realized that, in that moment, I was not following some of these tips about respect.  I found myself interrupting him and not always considering his opinion.  So, again, I'm glad that we can take this the journey together. Let's look at the next 10 tips: 51)  Make the other person's favorite meals regularly (This applies primarily to married couples or domestic partners) This is a way to show that you have listened.  You know what they like.  Also, they often say that food is the way to a person's heart.  If that's true ,then making the other person's favorite meals is a way show your respect. 52)  Ask the other person for advice on the things you're dealing with. This goes along with some of the other things we've discussion, but if you're having a hard time with something or tryin to make a difficult decision, ask the other per