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Couples Counseling


 Should We Get Couples Counseling?

One of the most common things I hear from people who are seeking couples' counseling is 
"We have communication issues."  

Well what does that mean?  

For most people, it means that they haven't learned how to communicate in a way in which the other person can truly hear them.  It also means they haven't learned how to listen to understand instead of listening to respond.  There's a big difference!
Most of us, when in a difficult conversation or argument, immediately get defensive.  
It's a normal human response.  But it's not a healthy response.  And it's one of the main things that causes "communication issues" with couples.

So what do you do to fix it?

There are several strategies you can try:
1)  Reflective Listening
2)  Time Outs
3) Over-Communicating

Reflective Listening  is allowing your partner to share what's on their mind, what's bothering them, without interruption.  It is truly listening to what they have to say and the feelings behind it.  While they're talking, instead of thinking about what you're going to say to respond, what defense you're going to take, listen to hear them and their feelings.  When they're done, you have to reflect back to them, a summary of what they shared, without any personal commentary.  Once you've done that, your partner can tell you if you accurately captured what they were saying and feeling, or they can clarify what they were saying.  This continues until there is understanding.  This causes you to slow down enough to really hear your partner and consider what they have to say.  Once you've accurately reflected back, you can take a moment to consider what they shared and you can respond.  The pause often allows you to see your partner's point of view in a different way, which means your response will no longer be defensive or dismissive.

Taking a Time Out is when you recognize that things are getting too heated or you're feeling too emotional to have a rational, productive conversation, and advising your partner that you need a time out.  A time out is a few minutes or a pre-determined length of time for you to cool down, sort out your feelings, and process what you need to say or express.  Sometimes we aren't in the right frame of mind to have a productive conversation, yet we continue in the fight.  This is destructive because it usually ends up in both people saying things they don't really mean, just to be hurtful.  This allows for either person to take some time to cool down, sort out their thoughts, consider what the other person was saying, and then come back to have a rational conversation.

Finally, there is what I like to call Over-Communicating.  Sounds simple, right?  It really can be, but couples so often forget this common courtesy.  In any conversation, whether with our partner, a friend, or a co-worker, it helps to have all the information, in order to make an informed decision or response.  Before you make a decision, I'm sure you prefer to have all the information, all the facts, right?  The same holds true in your relationship.  Sometimes, if your partner knows what's going on in your mind or what you need in the moment, they can respond accordingly.  

These are just som of the effective couples communication tools.  And they can make a huge difference in your "communication issues".

If you're interested in learning more or booking a free 15 minute consultation, please head over to my website at www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122






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