This Therapist's Therapy

  Conflict Resolution for Couples Focus on the Problem, Not the Person When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, yelling, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive.  Be careful to focus only on the problem, without beginning to place blame on your partner.  If a disagreement becomes personal, you need to take a pause. Use Reflective Listening Frequently during arguments, we focus on getting our own point acress, rather than listening to our partner.  In fact, this happens in many conversations, in general.  Instead, listen to hear and understand your partner.  And then, before responding with your own thoughts,  restate what they have said to you, in your own words.  Then allow your partner to say whether you got the jist of what they were saying, and if not, they can rephrase it.  Continue this process until your partner agrees that you understand. Next, share your side.  Your partner should reflect back your ideas in their own words until they too

  Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? How many times have you heard this question asked?  And what are YOUR thoughts about it? Research indicates that people who have cheated are 3 times more likely to cheat again. So what does that mean for your relationship? In light of the recent Married & Confused Podcast episode, hosted by me and my colleague, Claudia Delgado, LCSW, I thought I would share some thoughts here in a blog post. Fidelity is a big question on almost everyone's mind when they enter a serious relationship.  We all go into relationships hoping they will be faithful.  Yet we also know that statistics show that approximately 25% of men admit to cheating on their spouse at some point, while about 15% of women admit to the same.   Another study showed that up to 4% of married people had cheated on their spouse in the past year. As a marriage therapist, I've encountered numerous couples who have experienced infidelity in their marriage.  Many couples want to work to r

  Behind the Couch:  Understanding Why Therapists Opt Out of Insurance As a therapist, I've noticed an increase in the number of people who want/need to use their insurance benefits to receive therapy.  And, to be honest, when I first sought out a therapist for myself, I felt the exact same way.   I understand.  Therapy can be a very costly investment.  But that's how you have to think about it - as an investment...in yourself and your mental and emotional well-being. But working as a therapist, I've learned that there are some definite reasons that you may not want to use your inusrance benefits. Let me take a few moments to explain. Insurance Requires a Diagnosis In order to use your insurance for therapy benefits, the insurance company requires that the providing therapist give a diagnosis.  That means that once you enter into therapy using your health insurance benefits, there is a documented record of a mental health diagnosis on file for you.  And that record may stay

  A Guide To Letting Go of Past Relationships Letting go of past relationships can be a challenging yet essential aspect of personal growth and emotional well-being.  Whether the break up was amicable or filled with heartache, holding onto the past can hinder your ability to embrace new opportunities.  This blog post is written to provide practical tips on how to let go and move forward. Acceptance The first step in letting go of a past relationship is to acknowledge and accept that the relationship is over.  The longer you hold on, the harder it will be to actually let go.  Holding on to the past won't change the present or future.  Instead, embrace the reality of the situation. Refelct & Learn Take some time to reflect on the relationship.  Identify lessons learned and  any personal growth you've experienced.  This reflection is super in helping youl learn.  It's important to understand what went wrong or appreciate and acknowledge the positive aspects, as they can he

  Empty Nest - Now What? Your children are all grown and have moved out and are moving on with their own lives.  The constant influx of people in the house or at the dinner table has disappeared.  The hustle and bustle has died down.  And now you're left with just the two of you. Now it's time to rediscover yourselves as individuals, and maybe even more importantly, as a married couple.  The last several decades or more have been devoted to rearing your children and launching them into adulthood.  But now you find yourself with extra time and maybe extra energy on your hands. Leisure Time Maybe now that all the children's activities and obligations have gone, you find yourself with a lot of extra time.  Instead of dwelling on the absence of your children, focus on things you can now do with that time.  Take a nap.  Read a book.  Learn to cook or bake.  Sign up for some local classes or groups.  Or maybe you need something more practical.  You can do something productive lik

  Navigating the Seas of Togetherness:  A Therapist's Guide to Vacationing Vacations are a great opportunity for couples to create lasting memories, strengthen their bond, and escape the routine of everyday life.  However, the journey from depautre to return can sometimes be challenging.  As a couples' counselor, I've witnessed common pitfalls and successes. Below are some tips to help couples navigate the seas of togetherness during their vacations Communication is Key As with most things involving couples, open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.  Prior to going on vacation, a couple should discuss the location and type of vacation they'd like to have.  This may means that each person shares a few location ideas and together, they discuss the pros and cons of each, until they agree.  This may also mean discussing whether the vacation will be a leisurely, relaxing trip, or one full of scheduled activities and tours, or hikes of local

  Money Matters:  Debt & Finances in Marriage The topic of finances often weaves its way through the delicate balance of love, commitment, and shared goals.  In working with couples over the years, one of the topics that almost always inevitably comes up is finances.  One person feels the other one is spending too much money.  One person is trying hard to pay down debt.  This topic can have a profound impact on marital harmony. In this blog post, I'll explore the challenges that many couples face and provide some guidance on navigating these difficult discussions. The Importance of Open Communication Open, honest, and transparent communication is the cornerstone of a strong, lasting marriage, especially when it comes to financial matters.  From the very start of their relationship, a couples should begin talking about finances.  This will make it a normal and comfortable topic to begin with, so it isn't as difficult to discuss later.  As a relationship progresses and become

  In-Laws Are Part of the Package     As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often find myself guiding couples through the intricacies of relationships, especially with their in-laws and their spouses' extended family.  When in the initial stages of dating, it's easy to forget that marriage is not just a union of two people, it's the merger of two families, traditions, and histories.  In-laws, like it ot not, are an integral part of the package when you say, "I do".     For many couples, the mention of in-laws can create a range of emotions from joy to anxiety.  Understanding that each partner brings a unique set of family dynamics into the marriage is crucial.  It's not merely about two people coming together, it's about two families becoming interconnected. Embracing the Blend     Succesfully integrating in-laws into your married life involves a delicate balance.  It's important to acknowledge the importance of your spouse's family and be open t

  Blended Families:  How to Have a Brady Bunch Family I recently asked my Facebook friends for blog post topic ideas.  And I'm not going to lie, when I saw this topic, I was hesitant.  I mean, who am I to say anything about having a successfuly blended family?  So, as I write this, I am being vulnerable and open.  But also know that I would LOVE to hear your stories about blended families, so please feel free to leave a comment. So, I was married for a little over 12 years and have two children from that marriage.  When my children were little and they talked about some of their friends who had single parents, I would remind them how lucky they were to have a mommy and a daddy at home.  Little did I know that wouldn't always be the case.   Yes, I am divorced.  I'm sorry if that comes as a surprise to you or if it makes you uncomfortable. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I used to feel ashamed that I was divorced and constantly asked myself how I could be an effective m

  Fear Ruins Relationships We all have a past.  We all have baggage.  We come into relationships carrying not only the joys of the past, but all the hurts, as well.  It's those past hurts that come to haunt our current and future relationships. Say, for example, that you were cheated on in a previous relationship, despite what you felt were your best efforts to have a good relationship.  Fast forward to a few years later and you're starting a new relationship.  Guess what?  All the fear and all the insecurities of the past relationship creep right back in.  You find yourself questioning your partner's actions and motives.  You doubt their sincerity.  You imagine things happening that aren't.  The hurt from the past relationship is causing distrust in the current relationship. Once that begins to happen, we behave in ways that reflect our distrust.  We are no longer enjoy a happy, carefree relationship, but instead we're suspicious and accusatory.  That is not any wa