7/27 - The Cost of Placating in Marriage: Why Peacekeeping Isn't Always Peace-Making
The Cost of Placating in Marriage:
Why Peacekeeping Isn’t Always Peace-Making
Marriage is often described as a partnership of love, mutual respect, and honest communication. But what happens when one spouse consistently avoids conflict by saying “yes” when they mean “no,” or by agreeing just to keep the peace? This pattern, known as placating, may seem harmless on the surface, but over time, it can slowly erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety in the relationship. Placating can be similar to compromise, because it is a sort of giving in, just to keep the peace.
Placating can be okay, on occasion, especially if it isn't an important issue and the outcome isn't that serious. Like choosing where to eat dinner when you don't really have an opinion.
Let’s take a closer look at what placating really is, why it shows up in marriage, and how couples can move toward healthier communication.
What Is Placating?
Placating is when someone excessively agrees, gives in, or apologizes—often to avoid conflict, prevent disappointment, or maintain harmony. It’s rooted in the desire to be liked, to keep the peace, or to avoid difficult emotions.
In marriage, placating might sound like:
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“It’s fine, really.” (When it’s not fine.) - This is common for women who don't want to get in a fight or upset their husbands. They often feel shut down and don't have the energy to oppose. So they just go along, even when they aren't too happy about it.
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“Whatever you want.” (Even if it feels wrong or uncomfortable.) - This happens with both partners, but we frequently hear men say it because they are tired of the nagging from their spouse. They want it to stop so they can just go on about their day, so they give in, even if it's not their preference.
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“I don’t care.” (When you actually do.) - This one can get a little sticky. Back to my example of where to go for dinner. Either partner may not have a particular place or food type in mind, and may truly think they don't care, but when presented with certain options, all of a sudden, they realize they DON'T want that option. This is an overly simplistic example, but you get the idea.
Over time, this behavior leads to an imbalance where one person’s needs, opinions, or feelings are consistently pushed aside. This imbalance, if not addressed early, can lead to a pattern in the marriage, causing one person to feel invalidated, unheard, or unvalued.
Why Do Spouses Placate?
People placate for different reasons:
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Fear of Conflict: Some people dread arguments and will do anything to avoid them. They figure if they just give in, there will not be an argument or conflict. So they are willing to give up their own desires, just to avoid conflict. While this may work for small insignificant issues, it is not healthy for most issues and decisions, because it ends up leading to anger and resentment.
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Low Self-Worth: Placaters often feel their needs are less important than their spouse’s. Some people genuinely feel that they are less important or less valuable and therefore, their opinions are less important, as well. The spouses of placaters should be on the look-out for this behavior, so that they can help support their spouse and help improve their self-worth.
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People-Pleasing Tendencies: Some people may have learned from childhood that pleasing others is the path to acceptance. They want to be liked. They want to be included. So they choose to give in to what everyone else wants, instead of developing or expressing and opinion of their own. It may work in the short-term, but this never leads to long-lasting relationships, because people tend to respect those who have and share their opinions, not those who just always give in.
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Trauma History: Previous emotional wounds may have taught them that disagreement leads to abandonment or emotional harm. This is really prevalent in our world right now. We all carry some amount of emotional baggage; and some more than others. Some people have old wounds that have never fully healed, but they do whatever they can to make sure that the wounds aren't reopened. By doing this, though, the person is never able to fully heal from their past wounds.
Placating can feel like the "safe" choice in the moment, but it actually creates emotional distance. It's especially harmful in a marriage that already has communication or conflict management issues. It's better to go through the "pain" of working through a conflict, than to placate to your partner, for the temporary feeling of peace.
The Hidden Cost of Placating
Placating may offer short-term peace, but it builds long-term resentment. Here’s why:
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Unmet Needs: Consistently ignoring your own feelings leads to emotional depletion. When our needs and desires consistently go unmet, we can begin to feel drained. And we become emotionally apathetic. When this happens, we may show up physically, but we are not invested emotionally or personally, because we have nothing left in the tank to give.
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Loss of Authenticity: When you’re always “fine,” your spouse never really knows the real you. Authenticity is incredibly important in a marriage. Your spouse is the one person who should know the real and full "you". When you aren't authentic in your marriage, there cannot be true connection.
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Surface-Level Intimacy: Placating creates polite distance, not true connection. If we think about how this plays out in regards to sexual intimacy, it can be very damaging and lead to additional disconnect and devaluing over time. If you placate to your partner in regards to sex, it leads to you never getting your sexual needs heard or met and your spouse getting their needs and desires met all the time. This causes them to slowly ignore your needs and desires related to intimacy. And then sex becomes a chore and not something your spouse enjoys or wants to participate in. It may feel like real intimacy in the moment, because you feel satisfied and close, but it leads to further distance.
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Resentment: Over time, small frustrations pile up and can explode into major conflict later. Most of us have seen this in one way or another. If we brush our frustrations under the rug all the time, eventually, we trip over the large bump under the rug. Resentment builds when we don't actually express or discuss what's really on our mind. And that's exactly what happens when we constantly placate to our spouse. The frustrations build over time and become a much larger issue, argument, or fight later, as opposed to addressing it when it's still small and manageable.
Ironically, the very thing placating tries to prevent—disconnection—becomes the inevitable result. It ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How to Stop Placating and Start Connecting
If you recognize yourself as the placater in your marriage, here are some steps to begin shifting this pattern:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Start noticing when you’re tempted to agree just to avoid discomfort. Pause and ask yourself, “What do I really feel? What do I really want?”
The key here is to begin recognizing your own desires, instead of ignoring them for the sake of someone or something else. Get in touch with your feelings and desires and learn to express them. You may not always get what you want, but at a minimum, you were able to articulate and honor your own feelings and desires. And your partner will be aware of them in the future.
2. Practice Assertiveness
Assertiveness is not the same as aggression. It’s expressing your needs honestly and respectfully. You can say:
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“I’m not sure I agree with that, but let’s talk about it.”
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“I’d like to think about it before I say yes.”
3. Tolerate Discomfort
Not every disagreement is dangerous. Healthy couples can navigate differences and still feel connected. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but that discomfort is part of growing real intimacy. In fact, working through conflict together is a very healthy way to build connection.
And not every disagreement will end in your favor. But the discomfort of discussion will help build communication for future issues and draw you to a better understanding of each other.
4. Seek Professional Support
If placating is deeply ingrained, it may help to work with a marriage therapist who can guide both partners toward balanced communication and mutual respect. That neutral third party can often point out and redirect when placating starts happening.
For the Spouse of a Placater: What You Can Do
If you notice your spouse constantly gives in or dismisses their own needs, create a safe space for honesty. Ask open questions like:
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“Do you really feel okay about this?”
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“I want to hear what you think, even if you disagree with me.”
Show that the relationship can handle disagreement. Prioritize curiosity over winning. Show your spouse that you value their input and opinion, even if its different than yours.
Placating in marriage is often well-intentioned, but it is a quiet threat to intimacy. True connection comes from two whole people bringing their honest selves to the relationship—even when that means navigating tension.
Choosing honesty over placating may not always feel peaceful, but it’s the kind of peace that’s built on truth, trust, and love that lasts.
Reflection Questions:
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When do you tend to placate your spouse? What’s usually driving that choice?
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How does placating show up in your current marriage patterns?
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What small step could you take this week to practice more honest, assertive communication?
If you're interested in receiving individual or couples therapy, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
If you have more direct questions, comments, or suggestions, please contact me via email at bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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