6/22 - The Clothing Conundrum: Respecting Your Wardrode & Your Relationship
You're Wearing That?:
The Clothing Conundrum
It’s a common moment in marriage: one spouse walks out of the bedroom in an outfit they love, ready to go out to dinner or a movie, and the other spouse does a double take—not because of admiration, but confusion or maybe even frustration or embarrassment. Maybe it’s the tenth time they’ve worn those paint-splattered jeans to dinner, or maybe the new shirt is just a little too out there or too tight. Either way, it sparks something: discomfort, embarrassment, or even judgment.
If you've found yourself on either side of this, you're not alone—and it doesn't mean you're shallow. But how you navigate this tension can reveal a lot about your relationship and open the door for meaningful connection (or, if not handled well, create unnecessary conflict).
The Deeper Issue Beneath the Fabric
At first glance, it might seem like it's all about clothes. But often, what's really at play is a deeper emotional undercurrent. When you feel irritated by how your spouse dresses, it might stem from:
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Desire for alignment: Wanting to appear like a cohesive team in public. Some people want to appear like a "power couple" or to look similar. The thought of being mismatched from each other makes them feel disconnected or unaligned.
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Embarrassment or insecurity: Worrying about how others perceive you both. Others are frequently worried about being judged and then treated differently based on that judgement. They don't want others to get the "wrong" impression about their spouse or about them, by association.
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Control: Feeling the urge to change something about your spouse. For some people, there is a need for control that stems from not being fully secure with your spouse. It stems from a deeper desire to change something about your spouse. And while it may not actually be the clothes that bother you, that's the only thing you feel like you might have any control over.
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Changing identities: Struggling with how one (or both) of you has evolved over time. Or maybe you've been married a long time. Your bodies have changed, and not necessarily for the good. Your wife no longer has that "trophy wife" figure, especially after giving birth to 3 children. Or your husband now has a "dad bod" because he stopped going to the gym years ago, even though he keeps the membership active.
Before diving into wardrobe critiques, it’s worth exploring what’s really bothering you. Is it truly about the outfit—or about feeling disconnected, judged, or unappreciated? You may find that it's not actually about the clothes or the style, but something deeper about the relationship.
How to Talk About It Without Starting a Fight
Conversations about appearance can get personal fast. This topic quickly and easily pricks a person's pride, So if you’re thinking of bringing it up, keep these tips in mind:
1. Start with Curiosity, Not Criticism
Instead of saying, “Why would you wear that?” try:
“I noticed you really like that style—what do you like most about it?”
This shifts the tone from judgment to genuine curiosity, helping you to better understand why they like it and/or what "look" they were going for. And it might uncover a reason you hadn’t considered, allowing you to feel more comfortable with the wardrobe decision.
2. Focus on Feelings, Not Fashion
Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example:
“I feel a little uncomfortable when we go to formal events and I’m dressed up, but you're in jeans. Can we find a way to coordinate better?”
You’re not demanding they change or suggesting that they are wrong or bad, but focusing on how you feel. Instead of making them feel shamed for their clothing choice, you're inviting collaboration and drawing them into a shared appearance.
3. Choose the Right Time
Don’t launch into this talk as they’re putting on shoes to leave. This usually makes your spouse feel pressured to change right then and there, often causing worry about being late, etc. This adds extra stress that has the potential of impacting the event or activity you're headed out the door for, in a negative manner. Instead, choose a calm, private moment to talk. Or if you've read some of my past blogs, this would be a good example of a topic to discuss during a weekly Family Meeting.
4. Balance Honesty with Affirmation
It’s okay to be honest, but it’s also important to reassure your spouse that you love and respect them. For example:
“I love your confidence and creativity—I’d just love if we could find some styles we both feel good about when we go out together.”
This approach honors your spouse and their unique personality and style, while still allowing you the space to express yourself in way that feels comfortable for you.
If You’re on the Receiving End
If your spouse isn’t thrilled with your wardrobe, it can feel hurtful or controlling. But try to hear the heart behind the comment. Are they truly trying to stifle your self-expression—or just asking for more connection or consideration?
Here’s what you can do:
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Listen without defensiveness. That doesn’t mean you have to agree, but be willing to hear their perspective. Listen to understand. Be open to what you hear and how your spouse may be feeling.
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Ask for specifics. Vague comments like “I don’t like your clothes” aren’t helpful. Ask for clarity—what feels off to them? Ask they to be specific about what they don't like and why. Perhaps they are hoping you'll be more modest or maybe they've noticed that your clothes are fitting differently because your body has changed and you haven't noticed or can't see those changes.
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Negotiate, don’t surrender. Maybe you keep your favorite funky pieces for casual hangouts, and dress more neutrally for events that matter to your spouse. Communication is always key. Talk about when it makes sense to wear certain things and when it doesn't. You shouldn't have to completely give up your style or comfort, but it's also important to be sensitive to your spouses feelings.
The Bottom Line: Style Is Personal, but So Is Marriage
You married a person—not a mannequin. Preferences change. People evolve. Style is one way we express our identity, and so is compromise. Change in style might open up some conversations between you and your spouse about ways that each of you are changing, not just in style, but in other areas. It might actually spark a rich, deep conversation between the two of you.
You don’t have to love every shirt or pair of shoes your spouse wears—but if you can love the person in them and work together to find middle ground, you’ll be stronger for it. And you know what else? Appearance isn't everything! If your spouse is comfortable, then perhaps you can just go with the flow as well.
Sometimes, it’s not about what they’re wearing—it’s about feeling seen, respected, and connected. And that’s always in style.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
If you'd like to hear the companion Married & Confused Podcast Episode, please click here.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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