5/18 - Attachment Styles: What They Are and Why They Matter (Especially in Marriage)
Attachment Styles:
What They Are and Why They Matter (Especially in Marriage)
Have you ever wondered why you and your spouse seem to have the same argument over and over—or why one of you pulls away just when the other is trying to get closer? It may have less to do with what’s happening in the moment and more to do with something deeper: your Attachment Style. This is a topic and/or phrase that's been floating around a lot lately. People have been getting more and more interested in learning about attachment styles and how they impact their marriages.
Recognizing and understanding attachment styles can be a powerful tool in marriage. It can help you stop taking things so personally, start seeing patterns more clearly, and most importantly, begin changing the relationship dynamics between you and your spouse.
What Is an Attachment Style?
In simple terms, your attachment style is the way you learned to connect (or protect) in relationships, based on your early experiences with caregivers. You began learning and developing your attachment style as early as when you were a baby and in your early childhood, based on how your parents and/or primary caregivers interacted with you. That blueprint often carries into adulthood—especially romantic relationships.
There are four main attachment styles:
1. Secure Attachment
- Warm & Caring
- Trusting & Forgiving
- Good Boundaries
- Manage Emotions Well
- Responsive
- Honest & Open
People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with both closeness and independence; they are able to find balance whether spending time alone or with others. They trust others and are able to forgive small slights. They don't t end to hold grudges. They have strong boundaries for themselves with others, so that they are open, yet aren't taken advantage of. They manage their emotions well and especially can handle conflict without panicking or shutting down. They are responsive to others and can communicate their own needs. And they tend to be honest, open, and authentic, with nothing to hide.
In marriage:
They tend to be good at resolving issues, expressing affection, and maintaining emotional balance. But even secure individuals can become triggered in times of stress or conflict.
2. Anxious Attachment
- Relationship Insecurities
- Fear of Abandonment
- Lack Boundaries
- Mood Fluctuation
- Highly Sensitive
- Overly Accommodating
People with a more anxious attachment style tend to be insecure about and in their relationships and often fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance that they are loved and wanted. Because of their fear of abandonment, they make lack healthy boundaries for themselves, because they always want to do whatever they can to make the other person happy by being overly accommodating (otherwise known as people pleasers). They may be highly sensitive to signs of rejection, even when none are present. And their moods can fluctuate based on these perceived signs of possible rejection.
In marriage:
They might say things like, “Why don’t you love me like you used to?” or “Are you mad at me?” often. They crave connection but can feel clingy or overwhelming to a partner.
3. Avoidant Attachment
- Fear of Closeness
- Distant & Withdrawn
- Avoid Conflict
- Extreme Independence
- Emotionally Distant
- Unresponsive to Partner
- Logical
People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence over closeness, often causing them to appear distant and withdrawn.. They often suppress emotions and may pull away when things get too intimate or emotionally intense. This tends to cause them to be more unresponsive to their partner. They also tend to avoid conflict whenever possible. Because they seem to avoid emotions, they often seem robotic or overly logical.
In marriage:
They might say, “I just need space,” or avoid tough conversations altogether. Their partners may feel shut out or unloved, even if that’s not their intention.
4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
- Unable to Self-Regulate
- Find Intimacy & Trust Difficult
- Tendency to Dissociate
- Lack of Empathy
- Wants Closeness, but Fearful of Others
This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits. People with this style often want closeness but are afraid of it at the same time. They are afraid of getting hurt by someone they love, so they may avoid close relationships. In order to protect themselves, they may appear uncaring or may lack empathy, causing their partner to feel devalued or unimportant, even though that is not the intention. They may have a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
In marriage:
They might experience emotional highs and lows, push their partner away, then panic about being alone. It can feel like being on an emotional rollercoaster—for both people in the relationship.
Why This Matters in Marriage
When you understand your own attachment style—and your partner’s—you stop seeing their reactions as personal attacks. Instead, you see them as protective strategies learned long ago.
For example:
-
If you’re anxiously attached and your partner is avoidant, your pursuit might cause them to retreat further.
-
If you’re avoidant and married to someone with an anxious style, their emotional needs might feel overwhelming—leading you to shut down.
This creates a negative cycle:
For example-
Anxious pursuit → Avoidant withdrawal → More anxiety → More withdrawal
Sound familiar?
What You Can Do About It
1. Identify Your Attachment Style
There are lots of free online quizzes to give you a rough idea, but working with a therapist can provide more accurate insight.
2. Share Without Blame
Instead of accusing your partner of being “too needy” or “emotionally unavailable,” try this:
“I’ve realized I get really anxious when I feel disconnected. I know it’s not your fault, but I want us to talk about how we can stay connected.”
Communication is always a good start to fixing any relationship concerns.
3. Learn to Self-Soothe
Especially if you're anxiously attached, building the ability to regulate your own emotions can help you communicate more clearly and reduce pressure on your partner. Learning to self-soothe also allows you to meet your own needs, even when your partner cannot.
4. Be Patient
Attachment patterns were built over years. Shifting them takes time, safety, and often the support of a trained couples therapist. Your attachment pattern wasn't developed overnight, so they can't be unlearned overnight either.
5. Move Toward Secure Together
The goal isn’t to label yourself or your partner. It’s to grow together into something healthier. Couples can build what’s called “earned secure attachment” by learning how to respond to each other’s needs with empathy and consistency. The goal is to be secure with each other.
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles aren’t your permanent destiny. They’re just a starting point—point A on a map of where you came from. With insight, honesty, and commitment, you and your spouse can determine the best route to point B on the map, by creating a more secure, connected, and life-giving marriage.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
If you'd like to identify your attachment style and/or begin couples counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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