This Therapist's Therapy

  Money Matters:  Debt & Finances in Marriage The topic of finances often weaves its way through the delicate balance of love, commitment, and shared goals.  In working with couples over the years, one of the topics that almost always inevitably comes up is finances.  One person feels the other one is spending too much money.  One person is trying hard to pay down debt.  This topic can have a profound impact on marital harmony. In this blog post, I'll explore the challenges that many couples face and provide some guidance on navigating these difficult discussions. The Importance of Open Communication Open, honest, and transparent communication is the cornerstone of a strong, lasting marriage, especially when it comes to financial matters.  From the very start of their relationship, a couples should begin talking about finances.  This will make it a normal and comfortable topic to begin with, so it isn't as difficult to discuss later.  As a relationship progresses and become

Navigating Black Friday:  A Therapist's Perspective Black Friday is just a few short days away.  Many of you have probably already planned out your early morning shopping route and which bargains you're going to chase.   And while Black Friday can be fun and we can find lots of great deals, I encourage families to approach Black Friday mindfully to ensure that the pursuit of bargains doesn't overshadow the importance of family connection and well-being.  And that can be well-being as far as physical, mental, or financial health.   Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is the foundations of any healthy relationships.   Before diving into the madness of Black Friday and getting caught up in the craziness of the crowds, have a family discussion about expectations,, budget consraints, and priorities.  By doing this ahead of time, you will preent conflicts, melt downs, or disappointments later while you're out.  Being out on Black Friday is already stressful, s

  Thanksgiving 2023: Nurturing Gratitude & Connection As I write this, we are just a few days away from Thanksgiving.  And it's always an opportune time to reflect on the importance of gratitude and connection with our families and friends.  As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I have seen first hand, the transformational power of fostering a sense of gratitude.  Gratittude helps our minds remain more positive. And, personally, my word for this year has been Friendship, which has caused me to think more about my own connections with family and friends. In this blog post, I'll share some insights and practical tips to help families develop a spirit of thankfulness during this holiday season, and throughout the year. Acknowledge the Journey Thanksgiving often marks a time of reflection.  It causes us to think about what we have and how we are blessed.  During your Thanksgiving celebration with your family, try acknowledging your collective journey throughout the year.  Refle

  In-Laws Are Part of the Package     As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often find myself guiding couples through the intricacies of relationships, especially with their in-laws and their spouses' extended family.  When in the initial stages of dating, it's easy to forget that marriage is not just a union of two people, it's the merger of two families, traditions, and histories.  In-laws, like it ot not, are an integral part of the package when you say, "I do".     For many couples, the mention of in-laws can create a range of emotions from joy to anxiety.  Understanding that each partner brings a unique set of family dynamics into the marriage is crucial.  It's not merely about two people coming together, it's about two families becoming interconnected. Embracing the Blend     Succesfully integrating in-laws into your married life involves a delicate balance.  It's important to acknowledge the importance of your spouse's family and be open t

  Blended Families:  How to Have a Brady Bunch Family I recently asked my Facebook friends for blog post topic ideas.  And I'm not going to lie, when I saw this topic, I was hesitant.  I mean, who am I to say anything about having a successfuly blended family?  So, as I write this, I am being vulnerable and open.  But also know that I would LOVE to hear your stories about blended families, so please feel free to leave a comment. So, I was married for a little over 12 years and have two children from that marriage.  When my children were little and they talked about some of their friends who had single parents, I would remind them how lucky they were to have a mommy and a daddy at home.  Little did I know that wouldn't always be the case.   Yes, I am divorced.  I'm sorry if that comes as a surprise to you or if it makes you uncomfortable. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I used to feel ashamed that I was divorced and constantly asked myself how I could be an effective m

  Asking For Help is NOT a Sign of Weakness, But Not Asking IS. Within our relationships, we often choose not to ask for help.  Perhaps it's because we are too proud, or maybe we don't want our partner to know that we don't know what we're doing.  Or maybe we don't want to feel like a burden to our partner. Whatever the reason you don't ask for help, you need to know right now that it is not a weakness to ask for help.  Asking for help is demonstrating humility and a desire to grow and learn.  And most people appreciate people who want to grow and learn.  One person can't know everything about everything, so we can all learn from others.   Think about all the areas in life in which we ask/get help from others - teachers, coaches, pastors, therapists...the list goes on.  But I bet you don't think that asking these people for help is weak.  So why do you think about asking others or asking your partner for help is weak. In fact, the Bible tells us in Prove

  How to Get Rid of ANTS! Does it sometimes feel like you can't do anything right?  Everything is going wrong?  You're a failure? Most likely that's due to what is known as Automatics Negative Thoughts - ANTs.  They are cynical, negative, or complaining thoughts that come to us unsolicited.  We all have them from time to time and they often hold us back from doing the the things we want to do.  They hold us back from success or happiness. But you don't have to be a victim of ANTs.  Here's a few tips to help you get rid of ANTs, once and for all: 1)     Recognize & Identify the Thought - the first step to combatting ANTs is to recognize when they're happening.  You may start to hear that catastrophizing voice in your head that causes doubt and uncertainty.  Once you hear that thought in your mind, give it a personality or a name.  Think of it as an outside entity.  Now that you've thinking of the negative thought in the third person, ask yourself if you w

  Fear Ruins Relationships We all have a past.  We all have baggage.  We come into relationships carrying not only the joys of the past, but all the hurts, as well.  It's those past hurts that come to haunt our current and future relationships. Say, for example, that you were cheated on in a previous relationship, despite what you felt were your best efforts to have a good relationship.  Fast forward to a few years later and you're starting a new relationship.  Guess what?  All the fear and all the insecurities of the past relationship creep right back in.  You find yourself questioning your partner's actions and motives.  You doubt their sincerity.  You imagine things happening that aren't.  The hurt from the past relationship is causing distrust in the current relationship. Once that begins to happen, we behave in ways that reflect our distrust.  We are no longer enjoy a happy, carefree relationship, but instead we're suspicious and accusatory.  That is not any wa

  Work/Life Balance  How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship We hear the phrase Work/Life Balance all the time, it seems like.  But do you really know what it means or how to achieve it?  Most of us struggle to find the answer to this question. But there are a few factors that can help: Communication  Priorities Boundaries Communication As with most stuations in a relationship, the first step toward finding balance is communication.  Both  people in the relationship must communicate their wants and needs with each other, so that they can make decisions that work for both of them.  One partner may feel it's important to have time together each evening, to talk and reconnect at the end of the day.  This may be the way that they feel loved and cared for.  Another person may need a few minutes alone when they first get home, so they can unwind and disconnect from work before engaging in family life.  Or both people may agree that they each need some individual time each evening.  Or it

  Why Go to Couples Counseling? - Part 5 While mental health awareness has improved, especially over the last few years through the pandemic.  And some of the sitgma around therapy has decreased.  But so many people still wonder why they should participate in couples counseling. In my mind, there are several "levels" of couples' counseling. 1)  Dating Relationships 2)  Pre-Marital Counseling 3)  Marriage/Couples Counseling 4)  Stage of Life Couples Counseling 5)  When Things Aren't Working Today, I'll talk about going to Couples Counseling When Things Aren't Working This is the most common reason why most couples go to therapy.  They seek help when things have gotten so bad, they aren't sure there's a way out.  Couples Counseling at this point is often a last ditch effort.  And it's also this level that causes people NOT to want to go to Couples Counseling...they hear all the horror stories. Let me preface this by saying that this level of counseli

  Why Go to Couples Counseling? - Part 4 While mental health awareness has improved, especially over the last few years through the pandemic.  And some of the sitgma around therapy has decreased.  But so many people still wonder why they should participate in couples counseling. In my mind, there are several "levels" of couples' counseling. 1)  Dating Relationships 2)  Pre-Marital Counseling 3)  Marriage/Couples Counseling 4)  Stage of Life Couples Counseling 5)  When Things Aren't Working Today, I'll talk about Stage of Life Couples Counseling. As I was thinking about this blog post, my first thought was about the transition to Empty Nest.  But the more I thought about it, I realized there are several possible transition points in a marriage or long term relationship. So, I'll break it down into sub-stages.   Casual Dating to Living Together The first stage is the transition from casual dating to living together.  This stage may happen at different times for