Skip to main content

Why Go to Couples Counseling - Part 5


Why Go to Couples Counseling? - Part 5

While mental health awareness has improved, especially over the last few years through the pandemic.  And some of the sitgma around therapy has decreased.  But so many people still wonder why they should participate in couples counseling.

In my mind, there are several "levels" of couples' counseling.

1)  Dating Relationships

2)  Pre-Marital Counseling

3)  Marriage/Couples Counseling

4)  Stage of Life Couples Counseling

5)  When Things Aren't Working

Today, I'll talk about going to Couples Counseling When Things Aren't Working

This is the most common reason why most couples go to therapy.  They seek help when things have gotten so bad, they aren't sure there's a way out.  Couples Counseling at this point is often a last ditch effort.  And it's also this level that causes people NOT to want to go to Couples Counseling...they hear all the horror stories.

Let me preface this by saying that this level of counseling can generally be avoided if counseling is sought throughout the relationship, as noted in the previous blog posts.  

When things aren't working, one or both partners have reached the last straw.  It's so much harder to come back and heal if things have gotten this bad. BUT a skilled therapist can help with this. 

For many people this level is about giving one last effort to save the relationship, often because they've been together a long time, or there are children involved.  For those who pursue couples counseling when things aren't working, it's important to know that usually both partners have to be completed invested in really trying to work things out.  Both partners have to be willing to put in 110% effort and really change the way they've been doing things.  

This type of counseling usually starts because of a build up of issues that have never been addressed, but instead have been pushed aside, put on the back burner, or just ignored.  But the relationship often gets to a point where resentments have build up so much that professional help is needed.  The counselor will often help the couple learn some basic communication skills, to get the lines of communication open again, even just a little bit.  They will use activites to remind the couple of why they fell in love in the first place and what it is they they love and appreciate about each other.  There may be homework such as asking each other a series of "get to know you" questions, so they have an opportunity to get to know their partner all over again.  These activities may take some time because there is so much built up hurt, that the couple may have difficulty even having this level of conversation.  It may even require some real time practice during the sessions.  For couples who seek counseling at this level, the therapist will often have to do a lot of foundational work, before they can begin addressing the actual issues.

Once that happens, then they can slowly begin addressing the underlying issues, one by one.  That's when the real magic happens.

But I'm here to say, I have seen it happen.  I've seen couples come back from infidelity and dishonesty, to a happy, healthy, loving relationship.  
And if I'm being honest, I've also seen some amazing relationships crumble at this level.  Don't let that be you.

If I could share anything with you about this level of Couples Counseling, is to NOT let it get to this point.  Do the work throughout the relationship.  Keep things healthy during the relationship.  It's much easier to maintain, than to try to fix it all at one time.

I specialize in couples counseling and I'm here for you every step of the way.
If you feel like you might be at this level or getting close, and you'd like to schedule a free consultation, just click here.

Thank you for reading the series on Why Go to Couples Counseling.

If you'd like to see previous blog posts on Fair Fighting Rules in Marriage, Couples Communication, Self-Esteem, or Anxiety, please click here.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication in your relationship, or you're already to the resentment stage, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation -

I provide online couples counseling throughout California and Florida.

Website -

Email -

Phone - (925) 335-6122


Popular posts from this blog

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Wrap Up

  We've spent the last 10 weeks discussing the Fair Fighting Rules for Couples.  Let's summarize. Rule #1 -   Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Don't go into an arguement or discussion without knowing why you're upset, otherwise the discussion won't be productive. You need to be able to explain your feelings and how the situation has hurt you. And you need to stay focused on the issue at hand. If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #1, click here : Rule #2 -  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully. It's important to use words to share your feelings. You need to describe how the situation makes you feel and why. Use "I" statements instead of blaming your partner. For example, "It scares me when you don't call when you're coming home late, because I get worried that something bad has happenedd to you." This is owning your own fee

How to Manage Anxiety - Part 3

  How to Manage Anxiety - Part 3 In Part 2 of this series on How to Manage Anxiety ,  we talked about Positive Visualization. Drop a comment below to share how the exercises helped you or what you noticed when you tried them. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to share some tips on how to manage anxiety, especially for those who are considered High Performers.  Maybe you're in a Leadership or Executive Level and you're excelling at your job, but deep inside, every day is a battle within yourself. Together, we'll look at some strategies you can use in the moment of anxiety, that no one else even has to be aware of.  Because, let's face it, you don't want everyone else to know just how anxious and uncertain you're feeling. The next tool is the 5-4-3-2-1 Exercise.  I know you're probably asking, "What the heck is that?" It's sort of a way we can trick our mind or distract it from the thoughts that are causing anxiety. Again, these are things

Communication Tips for Couples #1

  Communication Tips for Couples One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.   We'll start really simple.  Each person in the relationship should start by making a list of all the positive things about the relationship with their partner.  And I mean everything.  Think back to when you first got together.  What did you love about the relationship then?  What made you take things to the next level? Once you have your list of all the positive things about the relationship, I want you to go one step further.  Now make a list of all the positive things about your partner.  All the things you admire.  Again, think back to the beginning of the relationship, what things about your partner drew you to them in the first place?  What things made you fall in love with them?   Now take a look at the list of the positive things about the relationship.  How many