Fear Ruins Relationships

We all have a past.  We all have baggage.  We come into relationships carrying not only the joys of the past, but all the hurts, as well.  It's those past hurts that come to haunt our current and future relationships.

Say, for example, that you were cheated on in a previous relationship, despite what you felt were your best efforts to have a good relationship.  Fast forward to a few years later and you're starting a new relationship.  Guess what?  All the fear and all the insecurities of the past relationship creep right back in.  You find yourself questioning your partner's actions and motives.  You doubt their sincerity.  You imagine things happening that aren't.  The hurt from the past relationship is causing distrust in the current relationship.

Once that begins to happen, we behave in ways that reflect our distrust.  We are no longer enjoy a happy, carefree relationship, but instead we're suspicious and accusatory.  That is not any way to sustain a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is based on trust, honesty, openness, and communication.  A healthy relationship learns from past situations and hurts, but doesn't bring that negativity into subsequent relationships.  

I can't stress enough how much communication is key to developing a healthy relationship and allows you to have lasting joy and trust. 

I often advise clients or couples to start their relationship with open communication.  Couples need to talk about expectations, past hurts and trauma, what their love language is, and how to deal with difficult situations.  If a couple can develop a pattern of open communication early in their relationship, and continue that habit throughout, then they are setting themselves up for a better chance of success.

I encourage couples to schedule time to talk regularly with each other each week, about their life together, and not just leave those big topics to change.

The simple road map I use to get couples started with solid communication skills is The 3 Questions?

1)  What's Working Well?

This allows both people in the relationship to share the things that happened or were said or done during the past week, that were positive.  Take time to acknowledge and appreciate each other.  Human beings like to be acknowledged, so this is a great way to start a conversation.

2)  What Are the Worries?

This allows both people in the relationship to share some things that maybe weren't so positive, or were upsetting or hurtful, that happened or were said during the week.  It's important not to bottle up these things, because the more we hold them in, the easier it is to become resentful or for issues to fester until they're much bigger problems.  The great part about meeting together weekly and using this road map, is that both people are aware that there will be a time to dicuss what's not working well, so they can each learn what upsets their partner and both make adjustments going forward.  This isn't however, where you share every wrongdoing your partner has ever done, but instead to share some events or incidents during the past week.

3)  What Are the Next Steps?

Finally, after sharing what's working well and what the worries are, the couple has the opportunity to discuss together, what might be the next steps for them and the relationship.  This allows from dialogue to plan together how they both can make slight adjustments to improve the overall health of the relationship.  It also allows space for each person to express themselves and their feelings, so their partner has a better understanding of where they're coming from.

But sometimes we have some unspoken fears.  Maybe we haven't shared them because we are ashamed.  Or mayber we're afraid of what our partner will think or say.   Or we're worried that if we share our true fears, they won't love us anymore.  However, if we keep these fears hidden, they will inevitably infect the relationship, whether we want them to or not.  The fears will creep in when least expected and change the dynamics of the interactions of the couple.  They will cause doubts and insecurity, where none really need to exist.  Strong, healthy relationships require vulnerability.  We have to be willing to open ourselves up and possibly be hurt, if we ever also want to experience the amazing joy that a fulfilling relationship can bring.  

Healthy relationships don't have secrets.  Leave the secrets for surprise parties!

If you'd like to see previous blog posts on Relationships, please click here.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication or harmony in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.

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