Blended Families:
How to Have a Brady Bunch Family
I recently asked my Facebook friends for blog post topic ideas. And I'm not going to lie, when I saw this topic, I was hesitant. I mean, who am I to say anything about having a successfuly blended family? So, as I write this, I am being vulnerable and open. But also know that I would LOVE to hear your stories about blended families, so please feel free to leave a comment.
So, I was married for a little over 12 years and have two children from that marriage. When my children were little and they talked about some of their friends who had single parents, I would remind them how lucky they were to have a mommy and a daddy at home. Little did I know that wouldn't always be the case.
Yes, I am divorced. I'm sorry if that comes as a surprise to you or if it makes you uncomfortable.
As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I used to feel ashamed that I was divorced and constantly asked myself how I could be an effective marriage or family counselor when I couldn't even keep my own marriage together. But over time, and through lots of prayer, I came to realize that being divorced actually helps me be a better marriage therapist in many cases. I have my first marriage and my current marriage to look at and pull experience from. And they are two completely different types of marriages, so I have a lot of experience to offer. And, in today's age, where so many marriages end in divorce, I now know that my experience with divorce is a way in which I can connect with and help many people who find themselves in similar situations. I believe it can be extremely validating and helpful to work with a marriage therapist who has experienced both sides of a marriage and can offer insight before, during, or after divorce.
When I got remarried, my children were still in Elementary School and my (now) husband's son was also in Elementary School. As my husband and I dated for a while, we opted not to introduce our children to each other for a while, until we knew things were serious and likely to progress to marriage. And when we did introduce them, we opted to do it slowly, with fun family activities or youth activities at church. Our children were very different, yet we tried to treat them equally; tried not to give our own child/children special treatment. We made it clear that we loved them equally. But what was also clear was that they didn't love each other equally.
Looking back there are many things we would probably do differently,, if we had to do it all over again. But I think one of the main things that we should have done a better job of, was communication. We should have honestly asked for everyone's input on how to make the best of a blended family. We should have asked about everyone's needs and everyone's worries. We should have taken into account, especially for my husband's son, that he was coming from being the only child to being a middle child. We should have asked the children how they were feeling about the whole situation and taken time to elicit and answer questions.
And the other thing we should have done differently, was to establish Ground Rules, as a family, from the start. This would include what the general expectations are - of us as parents, of them as children, of everyone as a family, and in general as a household. We should have discussed and agreed to these Ground Rules together, and held each other accountable for upholding them. This would have likely saved a lot of heartache, hurt feelings, and anger.
We should have established and maintained regularly scheduled Family Meetings, to check in on how things were going, address any concerns, and celebrate small victories. This would have made discussing difficult things more "normal" and would have allowed us to address problem more quickly and openly. A regular routine of communication is so key to any relationship, whethere it's a couple or a family. And just like I recommend for couples, I would have focused on discussing (1) What's Working Well? - to talk about things that went well during the week, both individually and within the famly, (2) What Are We Worried About? - to talk about things that came up during the week that upset us, confused us, hurt us, etc. Get it out in the open and talk about it, instead of letting it fester or talking behind each other's backs, and (3) What Are the Next Steps? - to discuss solutions to the conerns that came up. Getting the children involved in family dynamics and decisions would have been so helpful and eliminated a lot of devisiveness that came as the children got older.
And my husband and I should have more one on one discussions in private, so that we could easily be on the same page when difficult things came up with the children. This would have helped either one of us from looking like the "bad guy", thus building anger and resentment. We should never talk with any of the children about how we may or may not disagree with our spouse. That is conversation that should always be left to the couple and should not involve the children.
And finally, I think we should have tried to do a better job of co-parenting with our children's other parent. While there was no way for us to control what took place in the homes of the other parent, or could we force them to parent or hold to rules we developed, when the children were in their homes, I think we should have tried a little harder to have better communication and attempts to all be on the same page about rules, consequences, and the holding up of punishments from household to household. I think we should have tried to be in agreement about such things as whether or not the children should have cell phones, certain types of toys and games, etc. But again, this is an area in which we didn't have a lot of control.
And along with this, my husband and I should have made significant efforts to develop friendly relationships with our children's other parent. It's so important for children to see that all the parents get along and that there are no hard feelings (or at least if there are, they aren't on display). It is difficult to be a child shared between two households, trying to figure out if it's okay to love the new parent, the step-parent, without it meaning that you don't love your biological parents. If children see that all the adults can get along, it gives them unconscious persmission to love all the parents. And what a relief that is, even if the children don't realize it at the time.
You might be asking why I wrote this whole thing in the first person, instead of writing it in the same way I've written my other blog posts. The reason is because I want you all to know that I lived this topic. And while I may not have ended up with a Brady Bunch Family, I did learn many lessons that I can share with you.
Blended Families are hard. And no two families are the same. It takes a lot of time, work, and dedication. Don't believe everything you see on t.v. Not all blended families live happily ever after, just like not all blended families are a mess. But with love, communication, and dedication, a blended family can be successful.
So thank you for letting me share my heart and my experiences with you. It is an honor to be able to share what I learned in hindsight. And it is my priviledge to be able to help you navigate your relationships, as well.
If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication or harmony in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com
Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
Phone - (925) 335-6122
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