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3/22 - Mental Health in Christian Marriages: Loving Your Spouse Through Struggles


 Mental Health in Christian Marriage: 

Loving Your Spouse Through Struggles

Marriage is one of God’s most beautiful gifts. It is a covenant relationship designed for companionship, growth, mutual support, & spiritual partnership. Yet anyone who has been married for more than a short time knows that marriage is not always easy. Along the way, couples face challenges that test their patience, their communication, and sometimes even their faith.

One area that many Christian couples struggle to talk about openly is mental health. In some Christian circles, there can be an unspoken belief that strong faith should protect believers from issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, or burnout. When mental health challenges appear in a marriage, couples may feel confused, ashamed, or even spiritually inadequate. 

It's heartbreaking to hear that, for some, mental health challenges are something to be ashamed of.  Or worse - that Christianity & Psychology cannot intersect.  I am of the strong believe that they can and should.  In fact, I based my entire college and graduate studies on this belief and learning how to appropriately integrate the two.

The truth is this: mental health struggles do not mean your faith is weak, and they do not mean your marriage is broken.

Instead, they are part of living in a broken world—and they require compassion, wisdom, and a Christ-centered perspective.  

Mental Health Exists in Christian Marriages Too

Sometimes Christians are led to believe that if we pray enough or trust God deeply enough, we should not struggle emotionally. Others have been taught that psychology and faith exist in separate worlds.

However, Scripture paints a very different picture.

Throughout the Bible, we see faithful individuals experiencing deep emotional distress.  Since the Fall in the Garden of Eden, human beings have experienced many different kinds of mental & emotional distress.

David cried out in despair in the Psalms. Though he continually sought God, he still experienced seasons of profound discouragement.  We can read the emotional roller-coaster he was often on, as he felt pure joy and praised God, and as he felt utter despair and shame when he sinned.   Perhaps David suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder.

Elijah became so overwhelmed and exhausted that he asked God to take his life, believing he had failed.  He felt he had nothing left to offer.  His self-esteem took a nosedive. Elijah clearly suffered from Suicidal Ideations.

Moses struggled with self-doubt and insecurity when God called him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  He did not have any self-confidence, and even tried to convince God to give someone else the "job".  He felt like he didn't speak well and didn't have what it took to lead.  Clinically speaking, I would guess that Moses suffered from Anxiety.  But, with support from Aaron and God's divine intervention, Moses ended up being a great, God-fearing leader.

Job experienced unimaginable grief after losing his family, possessions, and health.  I think if we were to diagnose Job in the present day, he would likely be suffering from Severe Depression.

Even Jesus experienced deep sorrow and anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion.

I don't know for sure what or if these men of the Bible had diagnosable mental health conditions, but I do know that their mental & emotional states were not always the epitome of health.

These examples remind us that emotional suffering is not new. Mental health struggles are part of the human experience in a fallen world.

And when two people enter into marriage, they bring their whole selves into the relationship—including their emotional and psychological health.

This means that at some point in marriage, mental health struggles will likely affect one or both spouses. It is not something couples can simply avoid.  And it's not something that is likely to disappear, just because we pray.  God allows difficulties in our lives for a reason.  He is always trying to teach us something.  And He also puts people - spouses AND professionals - in our lives to help us work through those difficulties and learn the lessons He has for us.

When we say our wedding vows, we promise to love one another “for better or worse, in sickness and in health.” Mental health struggles are included in that promise.

How Mental Health Can Impact Marriage

Mental health challenges often affect more than just the individual—they affect the entire marriage dynamic.

Depression

For example, one spouse may struggle with depression and begin to withdraw emotionally.  The spouse with depression may show a significant decline in pleasure or interest in the activities that they once enjoyed, such as hobbies, sports, or social outings with friends or family.  Tasks that once seemed simple—like preparing dinner or helping the kids with bedtime—may suddenly feel overwhelming.  Or for some, even getting out of bed or taking care of basic hygiene becomes nearly impossible.  

The other spouse may not understand what is happening. They may offer to take over some of their spouse's duties around the house or try to spend more time with them.  They may try to cheer their spouse up, only to be met with resistance or irritability.  The other spouse may not understand their spouse's feelings of worthlessness or their fixation on past failures.  Over time, confusion can turn into frustration or even resentment.

Anxiety

Anxiety can create its own challenges within marriage.  It can create a cycle of stress that impacts both partners.  Anxiety isn't always just worry or feelings of uneasiness.  It often manifests as increased conflict,  emotional distancing or a loss of intimacy.  

A spouse who struggles with anxiety may constantly worry about potential problems or feel overwhelmed in social situations. They may struggle with driving, leaving the house, or interacting with others.  And the non-anxious spouse may describe the relationship as them feeling like they are "walking on eggshells" all the time, unsure of how their spouse is going to react or respond to day to day circumstances.

Past Trauma

In some cases, past trauma, whether from childhood or previous adult relationships, may appear in the way couples connect, communicate, handle conflict. and perceive safety.  Unresolved childhood experiences or previous abusive relationships can shape how someone responds to stress or emotional closeness.  For some, they never had a good example of a healthy marriage, so they are unsure what it should look like. 

A spouse's history of trauma can effect trust and vulnerability, causing them to feel "unsafe" because, in the past, it may have led to pain or betrayal.  They often find it difficult to fully trust, even a supportive spouse.  And seemingly harmless events can trigger an intense emotional response, such as anger, panic, or withdrawal.

Burnout

Burnout is another common issue. When one spouse becomes emotionally exhausted from work, parenting, or life stressors, the other spouse may feel the weight of carrying more responsibility in the household. This imbalance can create tension over time. Burnout is often a "silent invasion", leading to a slow fade, where two spouses gradually disconnect and ultimately feel more like roommates than spouses.

Burnout comes from a depletion of the emotional & physical energy that is needed to successfully sustain a healthy marriage.


In many marriages, the most painful part of these struggles is not a lack of love. Instead, it is the feeling of helplessness.  The spouse who is struggling usually tends to feel overwhelmed and unsure how to change what they are experiencing.  

And the other spouse may desperately want to help but feels powerless to make things better.  They often can't relate or don't fully understand what their spouse is going through, which often, inadvertently leads to more feelings of guilt and shame on the part of the spouse with the mental health issue.  They may internalize the feelings of being insufficient or being "the problem".

Marriage as a Reflection of Christ and the Church

Marriage is meant to represent the relationship between Christ and the Church.

Christ loves the Church sacrificially.  And he does not give up on her when things are hard.

The broad principle reflected in Scripture is that 

both spouses are called to reflect Christlike love toward one another.

This means loving sacrificially, caring for one another, encouraging & nurturing each other's growth.  And it means not giving up through the difficult seasons.

That includes seasons of mental health struggles.

When one spouse is struggling emotionally or mentally, the marriage may feel out of balance. But the example of Christ reminds us that love often becomes most visible during times of hardship.

Christ did not wait for the Church to become perfect before loving her.

What Support Looks Like in a Christ-Centered Marriage

In a Christ-centered marriage, support is seen as integrating spiritual practices, Biblical principles, and, if necessary, professional care.  It reframes mental health struggles not as signs of spiritual failure, but as opportunities to practice the kind of love Christ shows for the Church.

I think support in a Christian marriage should take the perspective of the "cord of three strands".  This perspective is based on Ecclesiastes 4:12, where it says, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  This demonstrates the importance of keeping Christ as an integral part of the marriage relationship - you, your spouse, and Christ - three strands of the same cord.  I also think of the graphic of the triangle in the Christian marriage, with God at the top and each of the spouses as the two corners on the bottom - the couple grows closer to each other, as they each move closer to God.  

I also believe that support in a Christian marriage is about having shared spiritual disciplines and values.  Regular activities like praying and/or reading scripture together and attending church together provide and emotional base and reduce possible isolation.  I also believe that along with having shared spiritual values, both spouses in a Christian marriage view marriage as a lifelong covenant, which encourages them to "stick it out" even during severe symptoms, rather than seeking a quick and easy exit.

Galatians 6:2 reminds us that spouses are encouraged to "carry each other's burdens".  Practically, this may look like one spouse picking up extra household slack during their spouse's depressive or anxious episode or season.  

Another practical measure of support is for couples to practice being "quick to listen and slow to speak" as taught in James 1:19, using gentle, non-judgmental language to discuss feelings and needs.

Another practical method of support is to practice forgiveness as a lifestyle.  This is about recognizing that mental health issues can lead to hurtful interactions and unresolved conflict, and that couples should prioritize unconditional forgiveness as modeled by Christ.

But often the husband and wife cannot tackle mental health issues alone and may need to seek outside support.  God encourages us, in the Bible, to seek Godly counsel and guidance from mentors, pastors, and member of their church community, to receive accountability and prayer support.

And finally, seeking professional help from a Christian marriage counselor can be seen as an act of wisdom and humility.  Christian marriage counselors are trained to integrate faith and evidence based therapy methods.

When Mental Health Struggles Affect the Relationship

Again, it is helpful to keep in mind that just because you or your spouse is having mental health struggles, doesn't mean your faith is weak.  Mental health issues are difficult to manage without professional help.  And seeking professional help doesn't mean you've failed.  It means you are seeking wise counsel as Christ directs you to do.

When mental health struggles affect the relationship, it's important not to give up.  Keep praying with and for your spouse, seek counsel from a mentor couple in your faith community, and find an outlet - one for the spouse dealing  with the mental health issues and one for the spouse who must learn to manage it.

There's no shame in seeking professional help.

There Is Hope for Christian Marriages

Christ wants your marriage to be successful,   And he equips some of His faithful servants to walk alongside you and your spouse.  

Here are some tips on how to find the best, faith-based choice for you and your marriage:

1)  Distinguish the Approach - there are two main categories of faith-based support, but their methods and goals do differ.

  • Christian Counselors - these are typically licensed mental health professionals, such as Licensed Professional Counselors or Marriage & Family Therapists.  They integrate evidence-based psychological tools with a Christian worldview and Biblical truth.
  • Biblical Counselors - these counselors often have theological training, such as a Master's of Divinity, or specialized certification, but may not be state-licensed.  They rely solely on Scripture as the authoritative guide for healing, focusing heavily on spiritual growth, sin, and  repentance.
This decision is  determined by the approach you feel will best meet your needs and align well with your values.

2)  Use Reputable Directories - start your search by using networks that vet their members for both professional credentials and faith commitment.

This can include directories such as:
3)  Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist - Most therapists offer a free 15-30 minute consultation.  This is your opportunity to "vet" potential therapists to see how they align with you therapeutic and Biblical values.
  • How does the Bible inform your actual counseling sessions? 
    • look for more than surface references; do they see Scripture as central to the health process?
  • What role does prayer play in our time together?
  • How do you handle a conflict between psychological science & Biblical truth?
  • How do you integrate faith into the counseling sessions?
4)  Consult Your Church - many pastors maintain a "referral list" of local therapists they know and trust.  Some larger church may even have their own counseling centers.

I believe that psychology and faith integrate well together.  Being a Christian does not and should not preclude you from seeking or receiving professional help for your mental health struggles.

And personally, I want every person who wants or needs psychological/mental health help, can receive it.  Whether you decide to work with me or you go with another professional, my goal is to help you receive the help that is best for you.

If you're interested in couples or individual counseling and you think you might like to work with me, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.

I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.



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