4/19 - Abandonment: Are You Reacting...or Reliving?
Abandonment: Are You Reacting… or Reliving?
There are moments in relationships that feel bigger than they should.
A delayed text. A distracted conversation. A cell phone placed screen-side down. A change in tone you can’t quite explain.
And suddenly, your body is flooded with emotion—hurt, panic, anger, fear. You might find yourself thinking:
- They don’t care about me.
- I’m not important.
- I knew they were cheating>
- I knew they would leave.
From the outside, it can look like an overreaction. There are a million more likely explanations for the situation, but your mind jumped to the worst case scenario.
But from the inside, it doesn’t feel like a reaction at all. It feels like all your worst fears coming true. It feels like an old wound just got ripped open and there's no bandage.
The Difference Between Reacting and Reliving
When you’re reacting, you’re responding to what is happening in the present moment. It is an immediate, automatic, and emotional response to a current trigger, often driven by past experiences, fear, or unhealed wounds.
Reacting is an impulsive action that is driven by the amygdala (the emotional brain). Reacting shows up as being impulsive, and defensive, and often leads to regret such as yelling, running away, or instant unthoughtful actions. It is usually triggered by an immediate situation and is typically based on what feels like emotional survival rather than logic. This type of behavior can damage relationships and make existing conflicts worse.
When you’re reliving, your nervous system is pulling from your past experiences, which are often unresolved wounds, and responding as if that past pain is happening all over again in the present.
Reliving is a mental and emotional state in which a past traumatic event is re-experienced in the present, often accompanied by the same feelings and bodily sensations as when it first occurred. Reliving shows up as re-experiencing sensations thoughts and emotions from a past event, often leading to emotional flooding. It is usually triggered by sensory input, such as sounds or smells, or by thoughts that bring up a traumatic memory. People suffering from PTSD often relive their traumatic moments. This type of behavior can lead to a feeling of being stuck in the past or having a loss of awareness of the present moment.
Some of the key distinctions between reacting & reliving are:
- Focus - reacting focuses on the present moment in an emotional way and reliving it brings a past moment into the present
- Cognitive State - reacting bypasses the rational brain and reliving is a disruption of present-day cognitive functioning
- Goal - reacting is often an attempt to control an immediate situation and reliving is a failure of the brain to distinguish that the danger has already passed.
Reliving doesn’t ask for permission. It doesn’t check the facts. It doesn’t slow down and consider context.
It just says: “This feels familiar… and last time, it didn’t end well.”
What Abandonment Wounds Look Like in Real Life
Abandonment doesn’t always come from something dramatic.
Sometimes it’s rooted in:
- Emotional inconsistency growing up
- where caregivers alternate between warmth and unavailability or volatility.
- Feeling unseen or overlooked
- when your presence, words, or efforts go unnoticed
- Relationships where love felt unpredictable
- inconsistent, "hot and cold" behavior
- Being left, rejected, or replaced
- feelings of abandonment or unwantedness
- Having needs dismissed or minimized
- emotional invalidation that says your feelings are insignificant, incorrect, or invalid
“Connection isn’t safe. People leave. I have to protect myself.”
So now, when something even slightly resembles that old pain, your system goes on high alert.
Not because you’re dramatic. But because you’re wired to remember what hurt you.
Common Signs You’re Reliving (Not Just Reacting)
If abandonment is being relived, you might notice:
- Your emotional response feels intense and immediate
- The situation feels bigger than what’s actually happening
- You jump to worst-case conclusions quickly
- You feel an urgent need to fix, chase, withdraw, or protect
- It’s hard to self-soothe or slow down
- The feeling lingers longer than expected
In those moments, your present relationship is no longer the only thing in the room. Your past is there too. And it feels like it's happening all over again, in that very moment.
Why This Matters in Marriage (and Close Relationships)
This is where things get tricky.
Because your partner may be responding to what just happened…
while you’re responding to what this reminds you of.
So the conflict isn’t just about the missed call or the tone of voice. It's a battle between past & present. Reality and perception.
It’s about:
- Feeling forgotten -
- Feeling replaceable
- Feeling unsafe in connection
And if you don’t recognize if for what it is, you can start to build harmful narratives that damage the relationship:
- “You always do this.”
- “You don’t care about me.”
- “I can’t rely on you.”
When underneath all of it is a much more vulnerable truth:
“I’m scared of being left again.”
Slowing the Moment Down
To avoid reacting or reliving the "pause" is key. Taking a 60-90n second pause to take a breath and think about the consequences can help you move from reaction to a calm response.
This is the work—learning to pause long enough to ask yourself:
“Is this about now… or is this about before?”
It isn't to invalidate your feelings. And it's not to dismiss your pain.
But to understand it more accurately. To see it for what it really is and not give it power it doesn't deserve.
Because when you can separate the two, you gain something powerful:
Choice.
Instead of reacting automatically, you can begin to respond intentionally. As I always say, awareness is the first and most important step.
What Healing Looks Like
Healing abandonment wounds doesn’t mean you’ll never feel triggered again. Wouldn't it be nice if that were possible?!
But it does mean:
- You recognize the trigger faster - and the faster you recognize it, the faster you can deal with it directly
- You understand where it’s coming from - you can decipher whether it's a response to the past or a response to the present.
- You learn how to ground yourself in the present - leave the past behind
- You communicate from vulnerability instead of fear - don't let fear control you; take charge of your own emotions and be open to what they really reflect.
It sounds like:
- “Hey, I know this might not seem like a big deal, but when that happened, it brought up some fear for me.”
- “I think part of my reaction is connected to past experiences, not just you.”
- “Can you reassure me right now? I’m feeling a little activated.”
That kind of honesty builds connection in relationships, instead of pushing it away.
A Gentle but Honest Truth
If you don’t address abandonment wounds, they will quietly shape your relationships.
Not because you want them to, but because unhealed pain looks for resolution. And it often tries to find it in the very relationships you care about most.
But here’s the hopeful part:
Awareness changes everything.
When you can name what’s happening, you’re no longer stuck inside it.
You can begin to move from:
- reacting → understanding
- reliving → healing
- fear → connection
Final Thought
You’re not “too much.” You’re not “overly sensitive.”
You’re responding from places that learned, at some point, that connection wasn’t safe.
The goal isn’t to shut those parts of you down.
The goal is to gently remind them: “That was then… this is now. This is a different situation with a different person."
And to build relationships that reinforce a new truth:
You are not being abandoned. You are learning how to stay.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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