Cautions of Couples Counseling

 When I embarked on the path of becoming a Marriage & Family Therapist, I had high hopes of helping people address the issues that impacted their relationships (and honestly, what issues DON'T impact relationships).  I had hopes of being able to help couples improve their communication, relationships, and marriages. 

I wondered to myself if being the product of divorced parents would hinder my ability to adequately help other people with their relationships. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw it as an experience that could lend itself to helping others.  So, instead of shying away from it, I became more determined.  Then I got married myself and thought that would also help me better relate to clients and their relationship issues.  And I believe that to be true to this day.  However, as my first marriage began to slowly deteriorate, I began to once again question my ability to provide good couples counseling.  I mean, after all, I was in a failing marriage.  And when I got divorced, my self-esteem as a clinician, as a therapist, took its toll.  I began to question whether or not I was meant to be a Marriage & Family Therapist, because, after all, I am now divorced.  And with that, I began to question by clinical ability all together.

But knowing that God had directed me to this path, to this dream, I knew that He must have a plan and that all of this was just part of the lessons He had for me.  So, I kept on the path toward becoming a licensed therapist.  

Now, I am happily remarried and have a much better perspective of how my experiences can help other people, especially women, navigate divorce, remarriage, and blended families.  I can use my experience with divorce to connect and empathize with women who are experiencing a difficult divorce.  The process and feelings aren't unfamiliar to me.  I can relate and I can offer hope.  I can use my experience as a wife in a second marriage, to help women deal with the feelings of guilt and shame they may have about getting remarried.  And I can use my experience as a biological mother AND a step-mother to help blended families as they struggle through the complexities.  

I don't have to look at these experiences in my life as negative things, but instead, I can transform these experiences into windows of opportunity to help other women who may be experiencing marriage difficulties, divorce, remarriage or blended families.  I can use these experiences to provide insight to families who are trying their best, but still having trouble.  I can share the lessons I learned, both good and bad, to help others.  In looking back, no, these experiences didn't feel good and I often wish things could have been different, but instead of dwelling on that, I have chosen to allow God to use my experiences for the benefit of others.

And to top it off, I was able to get remarried to a wonderfully supportive man.  A man who encourages me to reach for my dreams, and pushes me when I need that extra boost.  I continue to learn about male/female communication and needs, on a regular basis, from my husband.  I continue to learn about what it's like to be a man in a marriage, a father, and step-father, and a son-in-law.  These are lessons that I could not learn on my own, as a female.  And I take this knowledge, this insight, into couples counseling sessions with me.  I've found that the things that sometimes irritate me about my husband, or the quirks about men that he tries to explain to me, so often come in handy when counseling couples.  And I think that's what couples appreciate about me, about my style.  I'm just real and down to earth.  I validate their feelings and meet them where they're at.  And most of all, I can relate.  And I believe relatability is a very important part of the therapeutic relationship.  The fact that I've experienced some relationship issues doesn't make me a bad person or an unqualified counselor.  It makes me a real person, with real experiences, and real empathy.  Not someone who's lived a fantasy life, counseling you on your normal life.

But, if I'm being honest, couples counseling is not always a walk in the park.  Sometimes....oftentimes, it can be discouraging.  Sometimes I find myself scrounging around in my tool belt, looking for the one tool that will help the couple in front of me.  Sometimes the tool isn't available at that moment, and we leave a session without resolution.  Yet I am reminded that working with two people, instead of just one person, requires so much more.  It requires the ability to manage the emotions and perceptions of two people, and those emotions and perceptions are often completely different.  I requires patience, to walk through the difficulties with them, time and time again, until, at some point, things begin to click and the couple begins to better understand each other, better relate to each other, and better appreciate each other.  

So, couples counselors....don't give up.  Hang in there, even when things SEEM hopeless, because you ARE making a difference in peoples' lives.  Never underestimate the power and influence you have, even when it doesn't feel like it.  Never feel like you've failed, because no matter the outcome, you have left an indelible mark on each individual, that they will carry with them to the next relationship.  It's tough work.  It's really tough work and reward doesn't come quickly.  But when it does, it really does!

And couples...don't give up on your therapist!  Hang in there, even things SEEM like they're going nowhere, like nothing's changing, because your therapist believes in YOU.  They are giving all they have to help repair and rebuild your marriage.  The difficulties didn't happen overnight, so please don't expect them to be fixed overnight.  Great relationships take time.  Repairing relationships takes even more time.  And just like I say to fellow therapists, couples counseling is really tough work...and not just for the therapist.  It's really tough on the couple.  And reward doesn't come quickly.  But when it does, it really does.

One of my favorite things about counseling couples is that every single time I do a couples counseling session, I learn something.  About myself.  About my relationship.  About how to improve my own marriage.  Because, who can't benefit from improvement?  

I love my job!  I love being a part of transforming marriages.  I love seeing people go from being angry and bitter toward each other, to having loving, open communication and appreciate.

My caution...to therapists, don't let your own "failures" stop you from doing the work you love and growing from it yourself.  And don't let your own thoughts of incompetency get in your way.  Keep up the good work!

My caution...to couples in couples counseling.  Don't judge your therapist for being unable to "fix" your marriage immediately.  Your therapist didn't get you into the mess you're in, but they're there to help pull you out.  But that also means your therapist isn't the one who's really going to have to do the hard work.  YOU are.  Hang tough!

Please feel free to share your thoughts and insights in the comments.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Website:  www.brittaniedmillslmft.com

Instagram:  @brittaniedmillslmft

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Email:  bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone Number:  (925) 335-6122

Podcast:  www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast  or check your favorite podcast platform.