RESPECT...find out what it means to me! (Part 1)
RESPECT...find out what it means to me! (Part 1)
Today we're going to start a 10 part blog series about respect. Each week we'll explore 10 ways to show respect.
There is so much controversy and confusion about respect, so I'm going to break it down. First, basic respect should be shown to everyone. But beyond that, further respect is earned. One must show respect in order to earn it.
How do you show respect, you ask? Let's walk through it...
1) Refrain from interrupting others in conversation, when they are speaking.
What if they say something wrong or something you disagree with? The same principle holds true. Interrupting others is like telling them that what they have to say is not important. So instead, practice Reflective Listening. Oftentimes we focus on getting our own point across rather than listening to the other person. Before responding to the other person, truly listen to what they have to say (without simultaneously thinking about what you want to say next) and then restate what they have said to you, in your own words. In other words, reflect their thoughts back to them. Continue this process until the other person agreed that you understand what they are saying. Next, share your side, with the other person reflecting your thoughts back to you in their own words until they too understand. Using this technique will help allow both people to feel listened to, heard, and understood, even if you disagree.
2) Make eye contact while listening to the other person.
This shows interest and confidence. By giving eye contact, you are showing that you aren't distracted by others things around you, but have given your full attention to the person speaking. It is telling them that what they have to say matters more than anything else in that moment. However, there is a difference between appropriate eye contact and un-nerving eye contact. In order for eye contact to be effective, it needs to be welcome and appropriate. When it goes from gazing to staring, it makes people uncomfortable. But don't overdo it. About every 5 seconds or between sentences, look away for a moment, and then back again. But when you look away, look to the side, not down. Looking down signals lower-status, shame, and/or submission. Remember, respect should be mutual and earned. And you can't earn respect if you signal shame or submission.
3) Avoid rolling your eyes while speaking with another person.
This communicates that you think their ideas are stupid or not worth your time. If you continue responding with rolled eyes, the other person will eventually stop sharing with you at all. They will come to learn that you do not value their opinions and in turn, must not value them. You will lose any respect they may have had for you. While you may not always agree with what the other person is saying, there are better, more productive ways to approach it, than eye rolling. Go back to Reflective Listening.
4) Smile pleasantly while talking with the other person.
New York Times best selling author, Andy Andrews tells us that smiling while you talk can do more for you than you would ever imagine. People will gravitate toward you. People will remember you. And you will attract more opportunities. I'm sure you've notice it...you are drawn more to people who smile. You maintain conversation longer with people who smile, because it signals your brain that they are interested in what you have to say.
5) When the other person is speaking, listen intently, trying to understand.
Stephen Covey define this concept as the 5th habit in his bestselling book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Always put the other person above yourself when in conversation. Seeking real understanding affirms the other person and what they have to say. That's really what they want. That's what we all want - to be understood, valued, and affirmed. This shows respect and earns respect from others.
6) Appear approachable instead of judgmental while listening, asking questions to further your understanding, even if you think you may disagree.
There is nothing that puts people off more than feeling judged. Yet it happens all the time in our culture. So enter conversations with other people with an open mind. Be curious. Ask questions. Seek to understand the other person's perspective and point of view. It still doesn't always mean you'll agree, but you will have earned respect by your genuine interest and openness.
7) Avoid pursing your lips and scowling while speaking to others.
Your facial expression speak louder than your words, so practice having a kind and gentle face. Practice smiling while talking. If you appear mean and angry, you will be perceived as mean and angry and your ability to earn respect will decrease. Additionally, if you are scowling at people when you talk to them, there is a natural tendency toward discomfort and dislike, thus making the other person feel disrespected.
8) Understand the other person's point of view when you disagree, knowing that even though they may not be communicating emotionally, they might feel strongly about their thoughts.
When talking with someone, it's important to try to be open to their thoughts and feelings. The other person may be very passionate about what they're talking about, even if it doesn't always show. And if you casually dismiss what they're saying, what you're really doing is dismissing them and dismissing their core values. The other person won't respect someone who so easily dismisses who they are and what they believe in.
9) Affirm the other person's point of view, especially when you disagree.
Affirmation and validation are some of the things that humans seek most. Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid, even when you disagree. Validation is the recognition and acceptance of the other person's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. The best ways to respectfully disagree are to not make it personal, to avoid putting down the other person's ideas and beliefs, by using "I" statements to say how you feel, what you think, and what you want or need, by listening to the other person's point of view, and by staying calm. Affirmation doesn't always equal agreement.
10) So something the other person likes to do.
When spending time with someone else, it's important to show that you care about their interests and not just your own. One of the best and perhaps easiest ways to earn someone's respect is by putting their needs and desires above your own. By doing that, what you are saying is that the other person and their happiness are of utmost importance at that moment and that you value them enough to set yourself aside. It's humility at its core.
If you're interested in finding out more about respect, especially how to respect yourself and present yourself with self-respect, please reach out to me. I specialize in helping people develop and grow their self-respect, so that others will learn to respect them, as well.
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