Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #3
As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly. Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another. So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife. Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?
Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.
To read that post, click here:
https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html
In this week's post, I am sharing Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.
Taking turns talking can be difficult. After all, every time your partner speaks you think of a million things you want to say in response. But be careful not to interrupt.
Interrupting is a clear sign of disrespect and immediately serves to devalue your spouse. When you interrupt, what you're really saying is that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. Stop and think about that for a minute.....how does that make you feel, if you were on the receiving end? Yeah, doesn't feel too good, does it?
But it is hard, because it often feels like, if you don't share your thought in that moment, you'll forget, or your spouse will move onto another topic. But if you're so busy thinking about your response, the chances are that you're not really listening to what your spouse is saying. You're listening to respond, not listening to hear. That's the key difference!
If you begin truly listening to your spouse to hear what they are trying to say, you will find that you learn a lot about them and their feelings. You'll find that you likely are closer to agreement than you may think. Try it this week, and drop a comment below on how it worked for you!
And while you're doing that, you can work toward Reflective Listening. This goes along with listening to hear and not listening to response. Oftentimes during arguements or heated conversations, we get so focused on getting our own point across, that we aren't able to listen to our spouse. Reflective Listening is listening to your spouse, to hear what they're trying to say, and then, before responding, restate what they just said to you, in your own words - reflect their sentiments back to them. Then they have the opportunity to clarify what they said, based on your reflection, perhaps restating their point in a different way. Continue this process until your spouse agrees that you understand. Just by doing that, you'll notice a huge difference in what you hear and maybe even in your response.
Next, share your side, your point. Then your spouse can reflect what you said, back to you, in their own words, continuing the process until you agree that they have heard and understand you. By doing this, both individuals will feel listened to and understood, even if you still disagree with each other. And ideally, isn't that what you're looking for? I know you recognize that you and your spouse won't always agreed.
If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend you partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!! And if it helps you stay focused, make an agreement ahead of time, that either of you can "take notes" during the arguement, if it helps you stay focused on what they're saying. The notes can then help you reflect and respond.
And don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get it right right away. Reflective Listening takes practice. It's definitely a learned skill! I often spend time in session with couples, to help them practice Reflective Listening and I moderate, to help them get better at it. I currently have openings for new clients and you can book at consultation session through my calendar link at https://calendly.com/bdmillslmft, or from my website.
Take some time this week to practice listening to hear, not to respond, and Reflective Listening.
This will lead to Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.
I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.
Website - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com
Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
Phone - (925) 335-6122
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