Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #4

 

As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?

So I'm going to provide a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting.

During the first week I shared Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-1.html

During the second week, I shared Rule #2 - 

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html

And last week, I shared Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html

So this week, I'm talking about Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

For those of you who are parents, and even those who aren't, you've probably heard of giving your child a Time Out. This is usually a short period of time in which they are removed from everyone else and the activities, and given time to reflect on their "bad behavior". The hope and goal is for them to think and reflect on what they said or did, realize the error of their ways, apologize, and change their behaviors. The hope is also that the time away from people and circumstances allows them to cool off and settle down. It's like a reset button.

Or even to use a sports metaphor, the coach calls for a Time Out when things aren't going according to plan and something needs to change. The Time Out allows the coach and team captain to evaluate and recalibrate, going back into the game with a new approach.

Well, the same thing applies to adults, to couples. When things are getting too heated, or we've said or done something hurtful, or are about to say or do something hurtful, it's best to give ourselves a Time Out. A time to think and reflect on what we've said or done and and chance to evaluate and recalibrate, coming back to the relationship or conversation with a new approach.

I often advise couples to develop this agreement ahead of time, so it doesn't feel rude or abrubt in the moment, or so it doesn't feel like one person is just running away from the problems. The agreement can simply be that if things are getting too heated, either person can ask for a brief time out, to think, reflect, and cool off. This allows for the hightened emotions to settle down so that we can think and reason more clearly. The other, most important part of the agreement is that you will come back to the conversation at a later time. And that later time shouldn't be hours or weeks, but should be 15 -30 minutes. This allows both people to calm their emotions, but doesn't leave things unresolved and unsettled. Because, let's face it, that often just makes it worse. After the Time Out, the couple should come back together to finish or resolve the conversation, but things should be more productive, since they've had a chance to cool off and let their emotions subside and they are now able to have a rational discussion. When emotions takes over, rationality goes out the window. And when rationality goes out the window, so does productivity. And that's what often lead to hurt.

I know that most couples don't truly want to hurt their spouse. They care about them and love them. But in a moment of anger, when emotions are heightened, we often say things we don't mean with the intention of hurting the other person in that moment. But that moment isn't just that moment; it has lasting results. And the more we allow that to happen in our marriages, the more our marriages slowly deteriorate. We should be working to say and do things that don't hurt our spouse, but build them up instead. In fact, we should be our spouses biggest supporter.

By taking a Time Out, you're heading off those hurtful thoughts and statements before they leave your mouth.

So I encourage you to put this strategy into practice in your marriage over the next week. And drop a comment to let me know how it goes for you.

But, sometimes when we get hurt, it seems easier to close ourselves off and retreat, so next week, we'll look at Rule #5 - No Stonewalling.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.

If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.

Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

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