Family Meetings in Marriage

 

A common theme I hear when working with couples, is that there is a lack of communication between the two of them, or between them and their children.  They often feel like no one is on the same page.  And even moreso, they feel like they never have the time to talk because they are so busy.

What I have found to be very successful with couples and families is to institute a weekly Family Meeting.

This is a scheduled period of time that everyone sets aside to meet and talk together.  It creates a sense of purpose and unity that manay families struggle with.  It makes space for each person to share what's on their mind and for all parties to discuss topics that pertain to and effect the entire family.  It also tends to drastically improve communication amongst family members, thus creating more harmony.

While there isn't a specific agenda for these meetings, it IS important to have an agenda.  The agenda for each family may look a little different.  But I've also found that there ARE several important items that should be included on the Family Meeting Agenda.

1)  What's Working Well

It's important to start the meeting with this topic.  This allows for each person to reflect on the positive things that have happened within the family during the past week.   It gives everyone a chance to share something positive about someone else in the family.  In fact, it's encouraged for each person to think of something positive that each person in the family did.  As humans, we are wired to want and need positive reinforcement.  We desire to be noticed for positive things we've done.  It allows each person to feel seen and appreciated.  

It's also important to start with this topic because it is helpful to start on a positive note.  By stopping to consider what worked well, it naturally puts our minds into a more positive mindset.  And by having a more positive mindset, you are more open to communication and having a productive meeting.  Basically, if everyone feels warm and fuzzy, then it's more likely that communication is open and honest and things get done.

2)  What Are We Worried About?

Now this isn't a place to list all your worries or complaints, but the purpose is to create a safe space in which each person CAN share things that happened during the week that hurt or upset them, or things that didn't go as they had hoped.  

It's also to create a time in which all people have the opportunity to voice their concerns, instead of getting upset throughout the week or lashing out unexpectedly.  It builds in an expected time and space to discuss concerns, as a family.

This works well because each person is aware that this is part of the meeting, so no one feels blindsided when something negative comes up.  They already know that it will be part of the Family Meeting.  By taking aware that element of "surprise", if you will, hearing worries tends not to be quite as upsetting.

Additionally, it comes AFTER the discussion of what's working well in which each person shared some positives about the other family members.

So this gets some of the important issues out on the table, ready for discussion.  I would encourage families to designated a specific amount of time to dicuss each item, so that the meetings doesn't drag on all day, but that each item gets ample discussion time.  Sometimes a topic may not get resolved in one meeting, and that's okay.  The important part is that it's on the table, in the open, the other family members can now process it individually, and come back to the next meeting with ideas, suggestions, and solutions.

It's helpful to practice Reflective Listening during this portion of the meeting.  Don't just listen to hear the other person, listen to UNDERSTAND.

3)  Next Steps

This is the part of the meeting in which each person takes in what they heard in the past two agenda items, and TOGETHER, begins to develop a plan on what steps to take, to (1) continue or improve in the areas that are working well and (2) to address the areas that are worries.  The key is to do this  together.  Have dialogue about suggestions, ideas, and solutions.  Hear each other's perspectives.  Be willing to try new ways of doing things.  Always try to reach compromise.  Ask the question, "What needs to happen next, to improve in this area?"

Again, not all topics can be solved in just one meeting.  But at least it gets the ball rolling and allows people time to think about the information and develop ways to resolve it or change their own behavior.

4) Weekly Family Schedule

This is an optional agenda item, but I've found that's is particularly useful for busy families with lots of activities, such as children's sports, church, etc.  

It's important for all membes of the family to be aware of what to expect in the upcoming week.  This includes husbands and wives discussing any business meetings, business trips, late nights, etc.  All information must be put on the table.  This allows for everyone to plan accordingly and not feel like they were left in the dark.  This helps with everything from dinner preparation to packing for school/work.  

But this isn't just for families with children.  This works just as effectively for couples with no children.  Discussing each week's events, is about open communication and expectations.  It's about honesty and transparency.  It's setting each other up for success, by planning ahead.

It's also helpful to have an actual family calendar that all family members can see and refer to.  This helps with any confusion or forgetfulness.  For some families, color coding can even be helpful.

Beyond this, the family can determine what topics to address.  For some it could be reviewing expectatiosn for the children.  For others it could be discussing future plans, such as retirement, vacations, travel, etc.  The time is open to use in a way that appropriate for each couple or family.

The most important things about Family Meetings are:

1)  They are scheduled.  The time is blocked off and everyone knows they are expected to be present.  They should even be marked on the calendar...on everyone calendar.

2)  The are consistent.  The family should agree on the frequency.  I typically recommend weekly, especially to start.  Some meetings may be longer or shorter than others, but it's important to at least meet to check in.  So, once a frequency is determined, stick with it no matter what.

3)  A Safe Space.  The Family Meeting should be a time and place in which everyone feel safe to share what's on their mind, in a constructive manner.  But it's not a "bitch session".  It's a place to share and be heard.  A place where collective, productive decisions are made.

I hope you've found this post helpful.  I know it's been helpful for me and for many couples and families I've worked with.  Most couples have reported that the simple act of having a Family Meeting has improved their communication significantly and decreased the stress in their home.

If you have questions, please feel free to leave a comment or reach out to me via email.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with your marriage relationship, please check out my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & California.

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