Tips for Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
I usually add a new blog post on Wednesdays, but this past week, I was under the weather, so I wasn't able to do so. At first, I felt a little badly that I had missed posting a blog, but then I realized or remembered that I had to draw a boundary for myself. We can't burn the candle at both ends and expect for that to be sustainable. And we can't help others, if we aren't first taking care of ourselves...kind of like the oxygen masks on an airplane. The flight attendants always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, and then attend to others. We are of no help to others if we aren't breathing. So, because I wasn't feeling well, I drew my own boundary and realized I had to prioritize my own health, ahead of posting a blog. After all, the blog ain't going anywhere!
But that got me thinkin about healthy boundaries, so I decided to provide some tips for (establishing) and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Personal Boundaries are the limits, parameters, guidelines, or rules we set up for ourselves within friendships and relationships. People with health boundaries can say "no" to others when they want to or need to, but are also comfortable opening themselves up to close relationships. Boundaries are the bumpers we put in place to ensure our own mental, emotional, and sometimes even physical well-being. Personal boundaries may also be the expectations we set for ourselves and our relationships - our hard no's or where we draw the line. They may be the parameters we feel comfortable with in order to move forward.
So here are 7 Tips for Maintaining Healthy Boundaries:
1) Know Your Limits:
Before getting involved in a situation or a relationship, know what's acceptable to you and what isn't. What are you willing to accept, and what are things that are hard no's. It's important to be as specific as possible, or you might end up being slowly pulled into giving just a little bit more, over, and over, until you've compromised far too much. It's easy to get into that track and give in more than you should and it's easy to justify doing so. That's why it's so important to know your limits ahead of time. And this may take some thought. Don't just rush into. Give yourself some time to think and determine exactly what's okay for you and what's not. And write them down, even, if that's helpful.
For example, some people decide not to have sex before marriage. That's a solid limit. But that also means that they may need to establish other smaller limits that will help them stick to that larger limit.
For some people, they may not want their partner to follow people of the opposite sex, on social media. This is a personal limit for them and will need to be discussed with their partner, early in the relationship.
2) Know Your Values:
As with the first tip, it's important to know your values. And just like everybody's limits are different, it usually determined by their personal values. Simply put, values are the things that are most important to you. It's what motivates you and keeps you going. It's what guide and directs what you do. These values are often shaped and affected by our individual culture, personal upbringing, life experiences, and many other life factors or influences. Know what's important to you and protect it. But just like with your limits, give yourself some time to think through exactly what motivated and guides you, and write them down, if you need to.
For example, if someone puts a high value on family, then they might have stricter limits on how late they're willing to stay at work, away from their family.
3) Listen to Your Emotions:
Even if you've established your limits and values, sometimes you run into situations that just make you feel uncomfortable. If you notice those feelings of discomfort or resentment, or even fear, don't ignore them. Try to understand what your feelings might be telling you.
For example, feelings of resentment are often traced back to feeling like you're being taken advantage of. So, pay attention and speak up.
4) Have Self-Respect:
How often do you stand up for yourself and your needs? Are you always giving in to the wants of others? If you always give in to others, ask yourself if you are truly giving yourself as much respect as you're giving them. We often disregard our own self-respect out of our innate desire to be liked, to fit in. But is our self-respect worth that cost?
For example, don't follow the crowd to fit in, if it's an activity or even that you're not comfortable with. Stand your grand and stand on your principles.
5) Have Respect For Others:
In the same token, we need to be consious that our actions are not self-serving at all times, especially at the expense of others. Our interactions with others shouldn't be about winning, or "getting something" , or taking as much as possible. Instead, our interactions should be about considering what is fair to everyone involved. Don't sacrifice a friendship or relationships, for the sake of "winning".
6) Be Assertive:
There are times when your boundaries will become more important than other times. When those times come, don't be shy. Say "no" respectfully, or share your limits and expectations assertively, but without ambiguity or confusion. If you're able to make an appropriate compromise while still respecting your own boundaries, try it. Sometimes that the best way to soften the "no", while still showing respect to those involved. Being assertive doesn't have to be negative. It simply means knowing your boundaries and respecting yourself and others enough to stick to them.
7) Consider The Long View:
Sometimes it's a marathon, not a race. Some days you may end up giving more than you receive. And other days you may take more than you give. But it should always even out in the end. Be willing to take a longer view of relationships, when appropriate. Relationships are all about give and take. However, if you're always the one who's giving or taking, there could be an imbalance in the relationship that needs to be considered.
There are also Professional Boundaries. And those are similar types of rules or expectations we have in place, for how we relate and maneuver in our professional lives. We'll take a deeper look at Professional Boundaries, next week.
If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving your relationship, or if you want to strengthen yourself and your personal boundaries, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California and Florida.
Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com
Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
Phone - (925) 335-6122
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