Shared Child Custody During the Holidays
The holidays are supposed to be a fun, festive, and happy time of year. Children especially look forward to Christmas with all the activities, food and toys. And, from my perspective, Christmas should be a magical experience for children.
However, for families navigating through the complexities of shared custody, it often ends up being a time of sadness, stress, and emotional challenges. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, and in my many years working in the publich child welfare system, I've witnessed many of the unique dynamics and feelings that come into play during the holidays.
Understanding the Impact
Shared custody arrangements require a delicate balance on a normal balance, and moreso during the holidays. Pehaps this is your first year of share custody and you're not sure how to best manage the holiday season. There is a need for effective communication and cooperation between the parents. This is where is gets tough, especially in contentious separations. However, this may be one of the most important parts - undesrtanding the impact of the situation on your children. Children may experience a range of emotions, including confusion, sadness, or guilt, as they navigate the logistics of spending time with each parent during special occasions. Some children are unsure if it's "okay" to enjoy time with each parent and/or if it will make the other parent angry or sad. Other children feel sad that their whole family isn't together on Christmas morning, waking up to cookie crumbs and gifts left by Santa, with both parent to share the joy. And depending on their age, some children are confused as to why this year is different. They don't understanding what's happened between mommy and daddy and why they aren't together. Acknowledging and addressing these emotions is so important for fostering a healthy family dynamic. Being able to have an age appropriate conversation with your children will help them better understand what's going on and will help them better manage the changes.
Open Communication is Key
I often feel like a broken record when I talk about communication, but I can't stress the importance enough. One of the cornerstones of successful shared custody during the holidays is open communication. This includes communication between both parents, the parents and the children,, and even the parents and their extended family. One of the important things to stress to the children, as well, is that none of these changes are their fault. If possible, I strongly encourage parents to have honest and respectful conversations about their expectations, traditions, and plans, so as to help create a supportive enviroment for their children. If they're old enough, even including the children in some discussion around which activities they want to participate in and with which parent, can be a helpful way of minimizing the stress. As a Marriage & Family Therapists, I can help guide parents in devepoping a clear and flexible schedule that prioritizes the well-being of the children. It's important that the children are able to enjoy hollidays activities and traditions with both parents.
Creating Consistency & New Traditions
Consistency is reassuring for children, period. This doesn't just apply for the holidays or for children in shared custody situations. This is needed throughout the life of a child. Maintaining familiar holiday traditions can also be beneficial. It's important to maintain the familiar traditions, especially in the first years of shared custody. It may be important to talk privately with your children to see if they have particular activities they'd prefer to do with one parent over another. For example, they may have a tradition of baking holiday cookies with their mom, and would prefer to continue that. But maybe going to pick out a Christmas tree was a family affair before, but now they'd rather do that with dad. Or maybe the family used to drive around looking at Christmas lights together, but the children knew that dad wasn't that excited about that activity, so now they'd like to continue that tradition with mom. Or, better yet, when there's a way to do the traditional activities with both families. More than likely, there will need to be some compromises, as everything won't be able to continue exactly like it was when the parents were together. As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I often work with the parents to find creative solutions that honor established customs while allowing for new traditions to emerge, as well. Flexibility is key, and finding a balance between old and new traditions helps children feel a sense of stability.
One of the biggest struggles I've seen for families with shared custody is the question of who "gets the children" on Christmas. Oftentimes, both parents want the children to be with them on Christmas Day. I encourage parents to look at how the holidays were celebrated when the family was intact. How did they celebrate Christmas when they were together? Perhaps there's a way to integrate what they were already doing. Maybe the children spend Christmas Eve with one parent and/or their extended family, and they develop a special set of traditions for what that looks like, and then spend Christmas Day with the other parent and/or their extended family. Or maybe they alternate each year. Or in cirumstances in which the parents are able to maintain a good relationship, maybe they develop a new tradition of joining together for Christmas morning, for breakfast and opening gifts from Santa. Each family will need to find what works best for them. A family therapist can help with this, if it becomes to difficult to manage.
Putting Children First
Shared custody during the holidays can be emotionally charged, but it's crucial for parents to prioritize their children's well-being. Parents should do all they can to ensure that their own personal disagreements and their separation has the least amount of negative impact on their children as possible. The needs and well-being of the children should always be both parents' priority and goal. I often encourage parents to set aside personal difference and focus on creating positive experiences for theeir children. This might innovlve joint celebrations or finding ways to involve both parents in significant events.
Co-Parenting Strategies
Successful co-parenting relies on collaboration and compromise. You know, as they say..."Teamwork make the dream work!" This is where it's important for the parents to create and develop a strong system that works, with effective comunication strategies and coflict resolution skills. By fostering a sense of teamwork, parents can create an environment where their children feel loved, regardless of the custody arrangements.
Seeking Professional Support
Sometimes, the hurt and anger between the parents is still too strong for them to manage on their own, so they maybe need the assistance of a family therapist to help them develop co-parenting and shared custody arrangements that are fair and equitable to both parents, AND to the children, especially during the holidays. If necessary, therapists can offer a neutral and supportive space for parents to discuss concerns, explore solutions, and develop strateiges for effective co-parenting.
In conclusion, shared custody during the holidays presents unique challenges that require thoughtful consideration and proactive communication. By prioritizing the well-being of the children, fostering open communication, and embracing flesibility, families can create a positive and supportive environent during the festive holiday season. When necessary, family therapists can play animportant ole in guiding parents through this process, helping the build the foundation for a healthy and happy co-parenting relationship.
If you'd like more direct and personal help with managing your family dynamics or improving communication or harmony in your relationships, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com
Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
Phone - (925) 335-6122
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