Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

How many times have you heard this question asked?  And what are YOUR thoughts about it?

Research indicates that people who have cheated are 3 times more likely to cheat again.

So what does that mean for your relationship?

In light of the recent Married & Confused Podcast episode, hosted by me and my colleague, Claudia Delgado, LCSW, I thought I would share some thoughts here in a blog post.

Fidelity is a big question on almost everyone's mind when they enter a serious relationship.  We all go into relationships hoping they will be faithful.  Yet we also know that statistics show that approximately 25% of men admit to cheating on their spouse at some point, while about 15% of women admit to the same.   Another study showed that up to 4% of married people had cheated on their spouse in the past year.

As a marriage therapist, I've encountered numerous couples who have experienced infidelity in their marriage.  Many couples want to work to repair the relationship, and others want to figure out how to separate in a healthy way, especially if they have children.  So, let's talk together about whether repair and redemption and growth are possible, after such a breach of trust.

I don't believe there's a fixed answer to the question of "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?".  

Breaking the Stigma

One of the first things that we need to examine is whether you believe that a person is forever branded by a single act of infidelity.  To believe that notion, oversimplifies the intricate dynamics of human behavior.  It also doesn't take into account the underlying reasons for the infidelity in the first place.  People can change and relationships can heal.  We need to break the stigma by resisting the temptation to put a permanent label on someone based on a singular past mistake.

Understanding the Why

Digging into the root cause of infidelity is so important.  As a couples therapist, I work side by side with couples to explore the underlying issues that may have contributed to the act of cheating and breach of trust.  Although it may be very difficult, as the partner who was cheated on, addressing these issues head-on can lead to a more profound understanding of each other and make the way for true healing.  Like Simon Sinek says, "Start with why."

  

I don't ever want to blame the partner who was cheated on, however, I think it is important to look at the relationships as a whole, to determine what dynamics may have been at play, that allowed the opening for the other partner to cheat.  In my work with couples, I use Reflective Listening and "I" Statements to get both partners talking to each other and really listening to understand each other.  So often, couples have grown apart from each other because they stopped listening or stopped understanding.  Reflective Listening allows the person to listen to understand, NOT to respond.  And then they are asked to reflect back to the person speaking, what they heard.  This continues until the person speaking feels there were heard and that the other person genuinely understands what they were saying.  "I" statements allow each partner to express how the actions of the other person impact them and how that causes them to feel.  These two strategies alone, can have a singificant positive impact on a couple who have experienced infidelity.  

Rebuilding Trust

For couples who are looking to repair and rebuild their relationship, I work with them on rebuilding trust.  Once there is a clear understanding of the "why" of infidelity, rebuilding trust is a delicate, yet important process that requires time, commitment, open communication, and transparency.  Both partners need to be humble and willing to engage in honest self-reflection and honesty.  Both partners need to be able to express how they're feeling, even when it's hard.  To rebuild trust, we need to rebuild the foundation of the relationship.  

Individual Growth

Another important aspect of moving forward after infidelity, involves each person's individual growth.  For the individual who cheated, acknowledging and addressing the issues and feelings that led to the cheating.  They may suffer from self-esteem issues or maybe felt they weren't getting their emotional or physical needs met by their partner.  But we often see that they never shared these concerns or feelings with their spouse, essentially robbing their spouse of the opportunity to know there's a problem AND take steps to improve it.  It is usually important for the person who cheated, to seek individual therapy to work through personal issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.  In order to ensure the cheating doesn't happen again, there may be some deeper personal issues that need to be explored and addressed.  And it can also be very helpful for the partner who was cheated on, to receive individual counseling, as well, so they have a place to process the feelings of hurt and betrayal,  learn how to work through the information that will be shared with them, AND to learn how to cope with the repair process.  I commend couples who truly desire to repair the relationship because affair recovery is extremely difficult.

Couples Therapy

Working together in couples therapy provides a safe space for both partners to share their feelings, fears, hopes, and desires for the future.  It allows the space for a neutral third person to interject and redirect where needed.  I also allows for that third party to notice specific patterns, facial expression, or themes that need to be uncovered further.  An experienced therapist can facilitate productive and meaningful conversations, assist the couples in rebuilding intimacy, and offer tools to strengthen their connection.

Conclusion

While the wounds and scars of infidelity run deep, it's important to push back against the idea that "once a cheater, always a cheater.  As a marriage therapist, I've seen multiple stories of redemption, growth, and renewed connection and commitment.  It's important to remember that every relationship is unique and the path to healing requires a personalized approach.  There is no "one size fits all" approach to couples counseling, especially around the issue of infidelity.  By being commited to the repair and rebuilding of the relationship, couples can overcome the odds and develop a stronger, deeper relationship than they ever had before.

If you're considering therapy for yourself or for your marriage, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.

If you're the person who cheated in a relationship, my colleague and the Married & Confused Podcast co-host, Therapist Claudia Delgado, specializes in working with the individual who had an affair. You can schedule a free 15 minute consultation with by checking out her website at www.affairrecoverycounseling.com.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

Website - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com

Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft

Facebook - www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast