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Conflict Resolution

 


Conflict Resolution for Couples


Focus on the Problem, Not the Person

When a disagreement turns to personal insults, raised voices, yelling, or mocking tones, the conversation is no longer productive.  Be careful to focus only on the problem, without beginning to place blame on your partner.  If a disagreement becomes personal, you need to take a pause.

Use Reflective Listening

Frequently during arguments, we focus on getting our own point acress, rather than listening to our partner.  In fact, this happens in many conversations, in general.  Instead, listen to hear and understand your partner.  And then, before responding with your own thoughts,  restate what they have said to you, in your own words.  Then allow your partner to say whether you got the jist of what they were saying, and if not, they can rephrase it.  Continue this process until your partner agrees that you understand.
Next, share your side.  Your partner should reflect back your ideas in their own words until they too understand.  
Using this technique will help both individuals feel listened to and understood, even if you don't come to agreement.  And in my experience, one of the main reasons that couples don't get along is that they don't feel heard.

Use "I" Statements

When sharing a concern, begin your sentence with "I".  For example:
"I feel hurt when you don't tell me you'll be home late."
With this sentence format we should that we are taking responsibility for our own emotions, rather than blaming our partner.  The typical, alternate sentence - "You never tell me when you're going to be late", will often cause a partner to become defensive.  It immediately sounds very accusatory.

When to Take a Time Out

When you are you partner are coming argumentative, insulting, or aggressive, it's a good idea to take a time out.  Have a plan in place so you or your partner can call for a break when needed.  Spend some time doing something alone, that you find relaxing.  When you've both calmed down and have been able to recalibrate, you and your partner can return to solving the  problem together.  But be sure that you do return - it isn't a good idea to leave these issues unaddressed.  That only causes problems and resentment to build.

Work Toward a Resolution

Disagreement is a normal part of any relationship.  If it becomes clear that you and your partner will not agree, focus on a resolution instead.  Try to find a compromise that benefits both individuals.  Ask yourself if this disagreement really mattes to your relationship, and if not, then let yourself move on.


Thes are some very simple, basic strategies to begin conflict resolution.  Reading through and practicing these skills may be enough to help your relationship.  For others, you may need more individualized help from a therapist.


If you'd like to listen to our podcast episode on this topic, please click here.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with conflict resolution or communication in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast


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