Modern Marital Roles:
A Blueprint for Mantaining Tradition & Equality in Today's Relationships
We all have different ideas of what our roles and expectations should be in a relationship or marriage. Sometimes we have the same ideas as our spouse and other times, we're on separate pages in separate books. Either way, having designated roles is helpful for the smooth running of a household. And these roles should be discussed and established early in the relationship, but can be adjusted over time, to fit the changing needs of the family. These roles can include anything from Provider/Breadwinner to who does the laundry and will likely never be completely the same from couple to couple.
I think it's important to develop marital roles based on each person's strength, but taking into account the couples' desire to lean toward more traditional roles or not.
Below we will discuss some of the roles in a marriage:
Provider
Traditionally, this role invoves being the primary income earner for the family and ensuring financial stability. However, in modern times and the current economy, more and more families opt to be a dual income family. This may also include determining how the dual incomes are to be spent and saved.
Homemaker
This role often includes managing household chores, cooking, cleaning, and maintaining the home. This role has historically been the woman, but depending on the makeup of the family, could be the male partner, or could be split between the two. This is where determining specific tasks and chores for each person is important for the smooth running of the household.
Caregiver
This role includes providing emotional support, nurturing, and caring for children and other family members. Again, while this role has historically been the woman, there is nohing excluding a man from taking on this role. There are women who don't tend to have a very nurturing nature and may be focused more on their career growth, but the man may be very sensitie to his children's and families emotional needs and it is natural for him to take this role. Again, play to each partner's strengths. If one partner is "forced" to take a role that feels unnatural to them, it will be noticable throughout the family and it will affect the dynamics.
Decision Maker
This is a role that is often shared between partners, as each feels a level of responsibility to the family.
This requires the ability for the partners to be able to have open discussion and develop ways to reach agreement or compromise OR have one partner be the final decision maker after the discussion.
For some families, they may choose to take a more traditional role, with the man being the primary decision maker, taking into account the woman's input.
Companion
This is a role that offers companionship, friendship, and emotional intimacy to their partner. Realistically, each partner should carry this role, as a marriage should be give and take and both people should have a partner that provides these things for them.
Parent
This is also a joint role, sharing responsibilities in rearing and nurturing the children. This is also a role in which there may be different aspects that are handled by each parent. Each parent should consider their own strengths when determining which areas to focus on with their children. One parent may be the one who gives tough love and the other is more nurturing. One may be the primary disciplinarian. One may teach sports or car repair, while the other teaches about cooking, and home basics.
Conflict Resolver
This role handles disagreements and conflicts within the family, in a healthy and constrcutive manner. They may be the parter with the calmer demeanor or someone who has learned more about conflict resolution. This role may also be divided between both partners, depending on what the conflict is about. And sometimes, things get too big and outside help is needed. (This may be when a therapist is needed!)
Supporter
This role provides encouragement and support for each other's personal and professional goals. A cheerleader, of sorts. Again, this is a role in which both partners should have some level of responsibility for, as each partner needs someone to support and encourage them.
In a family where spirituality is involved, this may also be the person who encourages each family member's spiritual walk and helps guide them along their spiritual path.
Financial Manager
This role is often the one who manages the household finances, budgeting, and saving. They may be the one who physically pays the bills or is better at numbers and spreadsheets. It isn't necessarily the primary income earner. But this role should also include conversations with the other partner, so that both partners are aware and priivy to the financial status of the household. It can be hard to operate in a family or relationship without having the full picture, so it's important that this person maintains an open line of communication with their partner, and perhaps with the older children, as well.
Social Coordinator
This role plans and organizes the social activities and maintain relationships with extended family and friends. While tradirionally, this task has fallen to the woman, there is nothing excluding the man from taking this role or partnering with his wife to manage the familyh calendar. In fact, I think things often run more smoothly when both people are involved in planning the family's activities and events. It leads to less resentment and less double-booking of activities and allows for the divide and conquer approach to many of the happenings of the family, especially when the children are young and involved in a lot of spots and activities.
Every person, relationship, and household is different and may have different perspectives on thsese roles. These are simply ideas and suggestions of some of the main roles within a relationship/family. Again, I believe it's important to play to each person's strengths and maintain open communication.
If you need help communicating or managing conflict with your partner, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see if couples counseling may be righ for you.
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