Being Demure: A Quiet Strength
A Quiet Strength:
Embracing Demureness as a Woman
in a Loud World
Lately I keept seeing memes and Reels about being Demure and Mindful. And I wondered what the heck the sudden interest in this was, so I took at look at the TikTok video that started this trend. After watching, I'm not sure that everyone really knows what demure means. So let's break it down...
Demure: reserved, modest, and shy (typically used of a woman). "a demure young lady"; (of clothing) giving a modest appearance. "a demure knee-length skirt"; affectedly modest, reserved, or serious.
Being demure is a quality that seems to have gotten lost over the years. While it used to be commonly respectable for a woman to be quiet and demure, in today's society, it has become almost extinct, as women have asserted their rights to be treated as equals to men.
As a therapist, I often work with women who grapple with societal expectations around assertiveness and self-expression. In a world that celebrates boldness, extroversion, and loud confidence, demureness—a trait often characterized by modesty, reserve, and humility—can be misunderstood or undervalued. Yet, for many women, being demure is not a weakness or a sign of submissiveness but rather a source of quiet strength and self-assurance.
In my previous work as a Social Worker in public Child Welfare, I had the priviledge of knowing and working for several Supervisors & Managers who truly embodied the meaning of the word demure. They had a quiet, yet knowledgeable demeanor. They didn't tend to raise their voice or engage in meaningless arguements. They quietly and respectfully stood by their decisions and could gracefully articulate their positions when asked. There was a calm grace about them. Their mere presence encouraged others to be the same. But their presence also demonstrated confidence and commanded attention and influence in such a quiet and subtle manner.
Demureness as a Misunderstood Trait
In days past, women were expected to be seen and not heard. They were to take care of their husband and stand demurely by his side, as his support. But as the Women's Rights Movement came into play, women found their voice and weren't afraid to use it. Society frequently equates success with assertiveness and visibility, particularly in women. The cultural narrative often suggests that to be heard, women must speak loudly; to be seen, they must take up space; to be respected, they must assert themselves forcefully. Because of this need to be seen, heard, and to feel respected, women began to be more assertive, speak louder, voice their opinions. While these traits can be empowering, they are not the only way to navigate the world.
~Demure Doesn't Equal Doormat~
Demureness, by contrast, is sometimes perceived as a lack of confidence or an inability to advocate for oneself. It is often perceived as taking a backseat to everyone else or being "small". And that's just plain not true. This misconception can lead to feelings of inadequacy or pressure to adopt a more extroverted persona, even when it doesn’t align with one’s true nature. I find that many women struggle with their natural character of introversion in a world where we are expected to be anything but.
The Power in Silence and Subtlety
Demureness, however, is far from a passive or powerless state. It is a form of self-expression that values thoughtfulness, careful consideration, and a deep respect for others. Demure women often listen more than they speak, choose their words carefully, and lead with empathy rather than force. This approach fosters meaningful connections, creates space for others’ voices, and cultivates an environment of mutual respect.
In therapy, I see the profound impact of demureness in how women navigate relationships, manage conflict, and achieve their goals. These women often excel in roles that require patience, attention to detail, and emotional intelligence—qualities that are just as valuable as boldness and decisiveness.
~Sometimes quiet people are the most profound.~
Demureness actually subtly commands respect. In a world where everyone is constantly talking, constantly sharing every thought and emotion with the world, there is something to be said for hearing the comments of the quiet demure woman. Because she is more often quiet than demanding attention on herself, it is more likely that people will listen when she actually does have something to say. Some of the smartest, most influential women I know, are also some of the most demure. They recognize that strength doesn't come only from calling attention to oneself.
Embracing Demureness in a Demanding World
For women who tend to be more demure, embracing this aspect of their personality can be a journey of self-acceptance. It involves recognizing that strength does not always manifest in loud or outwardly assertive ways. Strength can be quiet, deliberate, and gentle. It can be found in the ability to stay calm in chaos, to approach challenges with grace, and to influence others through example rather than command.
One of the key messages I share with my clients is the importance of authenticity. It’s crucial to understand and honor your true self, rather than conforming to external expectations. For demure women, this might mean finding ways to assert themselves that feel natural and comfortable, rather than adopting behaviors that feel forced or inauthentic.
As mentioned in the viral TikTok message, there is an appearance that is often associated with demureness, as well. The appearance of being more wholesome and understated, especially in our clothing and make-up. Being "loud" isn't just about the volume or tone of our voice, but also refers to our appearance and how we present ourselves. Being demure in appearance means not calling attention to ourselves with heavy make-up or revealing clothes, but simply having a respectable appearance that says, "you can take me seriously because this is who I am". Having a demure appearance allows us to show up as our natural authentic selves, instead of hiding behind heavy make-up or fancy clothes. It says that we want to be taken seriously for who we are, not what we look like.
Navigating Challenges as a Demure Woman
While demureness has its strengths, it can also present challenges, particularly in environments that reward extroversion or in situations where assertiveness seems necessary or in a world where forced attention is common. In these cases, I encourage women to explore ways to blend their natural tendencies with the demands of the situation. We should never have to force others to notice us or pay attention, by our volume or appearance, but our demeanor should influence others to pay attention. This might involve practicing assertive communication techniques that align with their values, setting boundaries in ways that feel respectful yet firm, or finding allies who can support their approach.
Ultimately, being demure does not mean being invisible or voiceless. It means leading with quiet confidence, knowing that your worth is not determined by how loudly you speak but by the integrity and authenticity with which you live your life.
Conclusion: Celebrating Demureness
As a therapist, I see the value in all personality types, and I believe that the world needs both the bold and the demure. Each brings unique strengths and perspectives that contribute to a richer, more diverse society. Being demure should be celebrated, not condemned. For women who tend to be more demure, the key is to embrace this quality as a source of power rather than a limitation. Don't let the expectations of the world dissuade you from who you are.
By celebrating and honoring your natural disposition, you can navigate the world with confidence and grace, making your mark in a way that is uniquely your own. Demureness, after all, is not about shrinking away from the world but about engaging with it on your own terms—with quiet strength, dignity, and purpose.
After reading this blog post, if you find that you may need additional support around your self-image or self-esteem, or how to better embrace your demureness, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, and California.
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