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Between the Sheets: The Rollercoaster of Sex Drives in Marriage

 

Couple in bed struggling with low Sex Drives; couples counseling Brentwood, TN

Between the Sheets:

The Rollercoaster of Sex Drives in Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, and one aspect that often experiences significant fluctuations is sexual desire. The roller coaster of sex drives in marriage is a common experience for many couples, and understanding and navigating these changes can strengthen the relationship and enhance intimacy.  This is a common topic that frequently comes up during marriage counseling.  So, let's take a look together.

Understanding the Fluctuations


Sexual desire is influenced by a myriad of factors, both internal and external. Hormonal changes, stress levels, physical health, emotional well-being, and life circumstances all play a role in shaping one’s libido. In a marriage, these factors can affect each partner differently, leading to periods where sexual desires are perfectly aligned and times when they diverge significantly.

  • Hormonal Changes: Hormonal fluctuations, such as those experienced during pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, or even the menstrual cycle, can greatly impact sexual desire. These changes can lead to varying levels of libido, sometimes causing frustration or confusion for both partners.  Sometimes hormonal changes occur due to lother life stressors, as well.  If you suspect hormones may be a factor in your libido levels, it's always a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any physical factors.
  • Stress and Life Events: High-stress levels, whether from work, financial pressures, or personal challenges, can dampen sexual desire. Major life events, such as the birth of a child, a significant loss, or a career change, or a move, can also shift priorities and affect intimacy.  Each partner may respond to their stressors in different ways, as well.  Some people shy away from sex during very stressful times, because it seems like it's just adding yet something else to their plate.  Others may gravitate to it more, as a source of connection and closeness with their partner.
  • Physical and Mental Health: Physical health issues, chronic pain, or mental health concerns like anxiety and depression can significantly impact libido. Medications for these conditions may also have side effects that affect sexual desire.  It's always important to talk to your doctor about any medical or pain concerns, and keep them updated regarding medication side effects.  Remember, they can't help you if you don't tell them what's going on.  Also, it's important to maintain open lines of communication with your partner, so they have a better understanding of what's going on for you and hopefully won't take things as personally.  
  • Emotional Connection: Emotional closeness and communication are critical for a healthy sex life. When emotional intimacy is lacking, sexual desire often wanes. Conversely, periods of strong emotional connection can enhance sexual desire.  There is also a general varience between men and women.  While men, generally speaking, are able to separate sexuality from emotionality, women, generally combine the two.  If a woman isn't feeling emotionally connected to their partner, it may be difficult for them to be intimate.  Also, if one partner does not feel emotionally safe, they may be unable or unwilling to be physically intimate.

Communicating Openly


Effective communication is the key of navigating the roller coaster of sex drives in marriage. Open and honest conversations about each partner’s needs, desires, and concerns can foster understanding and compassion.

  • Check-In Regularly: Make it a habit to discuss your sexual relationship periodically. This can help address any issues before they become major problems and ensure that both partners feel heard and valued.  Sex isn't a topic to be avoid.  It should be a regular topic of conversation between partners.
  • Be Honest and Vulnerable: Share your feelings and experiences openly, even if they are difficult to discuss. Vulnerability can deepen emotional intimacy and create a stronger bond.  And as the bond strengthens and emotional intimachy grows, the more likely it is that physical intimacy will increase, as well.
  • Listen Actively: Practice active listening when your partner shares their thoughts and feelings. Validate their experiences and show empathy and support.  This is also a good time to practice Reflective Listening (which I've discussed in previous blog posts - here) to demonstrate you hear and understand what your partner is saying.  This usually allows you to gain a clearer understanding of why they're feeling the way they're feeing.

Finding Balance


Finding a balance that satisfies both partners requires patience, compromise, and creativity. Here are some strategies to help couples navigate differing sex drives:

  • Prioritize Intimacy: Make time for intimacy, even if it doesn’t always lead to sex. Physical touch, affectionate gestures, and spending quality time together can strengthen your emotional connection and create a foundation for sexual intimacy.  Intentional, undistracted, quality time together is just as important as sexual intimacy.
  • Explore Alternatives: If differing sex drives are causing tension, explore other forms of physical intimacy that might be satisfying for both partners. This could include cuddling, massage, or other non-sexual touch.  This could also include other sexual activities, aside from intercourse, such as various forms of foreplay.
  • Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your own physical and mental health can improve your libido and overall well-being. Encourage your partner to do the same, and support each other in maintaining healthy lifestyles.  Talk with each other about what each of you need for self-care and find ways to support each other.
  • Seek Professional Help: If communication and compromise aren’t enough, consider seeking the help of a therapist or sex counselor. They can provide guidance and strategies to help you navigate this aspect of your relationship.  And don't forget to consult with your medical doctor, to rule out any possible physical causes to the low libido or lack of interest.

Embracing Change


It's important to recognize that changes in sexual desire are natural and to be expected in a long-term relationship. Embracing these changes with a sense of acceptance and adaptability can help prevent feelings of resentment or inadequacy.

  • Be Patient: Understand that libido fluctuates for everyone and that these changes are often temporary. Patience and understanding can go a long way in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.  Ask your partner what they need to feel supported.
  • Stay Positive: Focus on the positives in your relationship and celebrate the moments of connection and intimacy, regardless of their frequency.  Don't let the issue of sex get in the way of all the other positives in your relationship.  Don't let one area sour the rest.
  • Stay Connected: Maintain emotional and physical closeness in ways that feel good for both partners. The ebb and flow of sexual desire should not diminish the overall connection in your marriage.

Conclusion


The roller coaster of sex drives in marriage can be a challenging but managable aspect of a long-term relationship. By communicating openly, finding balance, and embracing change, couples can strengthen their bond and maintain a fulfilling and intimate connection. There are many ways to maintain a strong, loving, intimate relationship.  Remember, fluctuations in sexual desire are a normal part of life, and with patience and understanding, they can be managed successfully.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

If you'd like more direct and personal help with discussing and improving the intimacy in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & Callifornia


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122

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