Dirty Little Secrets:  

When Is It Okay to Keep a Secret in Marriage

Marriage is a delicate dance where two people intertwine every aspect of their lives.  But sometimes there are things that we want to keep to ourselves or share only with close friends, separate from our spouse.  Or maybe there are times we need to bounce things off someone other than our spouse, to get a different perspective.  Or we just want to maintain a part of ourselves that feels like we can keep our own individual identity.  Often, this can be challenging to juggle.

As a therapist, I've seen and heard firsthand, the impact that keeping secrets can have on the marital bond.  While some secrets are benign and incosequential, others can create holes that never heal.  In this post, we'll dive into the complexities of secrets in the marriage and discuss how couples can navigate these murky waters.

The Nature of Secrets

Not all secrets are created qual.  Some secrets are kept with the intention of protecting the other person, such as surprise party or special gift.  Sometimes it's to spare their feelings and telling them would have no benefit or harm.  These types of secrets, often harmless and maybe even enjoyable, can add a sprinkle of excitement and joy to the relationship.  It could be a way of showing how much we care about the other person.

However, other secrets may stem from fear, shame, guilt, or the desire to avoid conflict.  These are the secrets that can erode trust and intimacy.

The Erosion of Trust

Regardless of the type of relationship you're in, whether it's a friendship or a marriage relationship, trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.  When one partner discovers that their partner was or is keeping a significant secret, it can feel like a betrayal, shaking the foundation of the marriage.  It can feel like everything they've known is a lie.  The betrayed partner may question what else has been hidden, leading to a cascade of doubt and insecurity about themselves and the relationship.  Rebuilding trust after a breach is possible, but requires time, effort, intentionality, commitment, and often, professional help from a skilled therapist.

The Impact on Intimacy

Intimacy in marriage goes beyond physical connection.  Intimacy in marriage develops based on the level of trust within the relationship.  This is especially true for women, as their emotions and physicality tend to be tied together.  Women often need to feel trust and emotional safety, in order to be open to physical intimacy.  Intimacy in marriage encompasses emotional, mental, and spiritual closeness.  When secrets are kept, they can create an invisible barrier that hinders true intimacy of any sort.  The partner keeping the secret may feel a constant undercurrent of anxiety, fearing discovery, while the other partner may sense a distance they can't quite explain.  This emotional divide can grow, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness within the marriage.  And if the secret keeping continues, it divide grows deeper and deeper to where it is much harder to repair.

Navigating the Terrain of Secrets

• Self-Reflection - Before deciding to keep or reveal a secret, take time to reflect on its nature and your motivations.  Are you protecting your partner, or are you avoiding discomfort for yourself?  Understanding your reasons can guide you toward the best course of action.  So often we keep secrets, even small ones, because in our hearts, we know that what we're doing is wrong and if our partner found out, they would be hurt or angry.  If you're keeping that kind of secret, you will definitely need to do some self-reflection about why you're doing what you're doing in the first place.  Do you, perhaps, have an unmet need that, if discussed with your partner, could be resolved fairly easily?
• Open Communication - Cultivate a culture of open and honest communication in your marriage.  Create a safe space where both partners feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feeling, and fears without fear oj judgment or retribution.  You will hear me repeat over and over, the impotance of communication, even over-communication in a marriage.  But obviously, in order to truly have open communication, both parties need to feel safe.  This may be an area in which couples counseling should be sought out.  This can help you learn to create emotional safety and open communication.
• Seek Professional Help - If a cignificant secret has been revealed or if you're struggling with whether to disclose a secret, consider seeking the help of a therapist.  A professional can provide a neutral perspective and guide you through the complexities of the situation.  They may be able to help you understand the reason/s behind why you're keeping a secret or even why your partner kept a secret and can then help you work to understand each other's position through Reflective Listening.  But don't wait until the wound is festering before you seek professional help!  As soon as you know there's a problem, get help.
• Rebuilding Trust - If trust has been broken, know that it can be rebuilt.  This process involves transparency, consistency, and patience.  Both partners need to be committed to the journey, with the understanding that healing takes times.  It can be a hard road, as the partner that had the secret, may want the other person to "get over it" quickly, so they can get back to normal.  But patience, grace, and understanding are SO important to rebuilding trust.  If the betrayed partner feels rushed, it will only deeped the sense of mistrust, so tread lightly in this phas.  Again, seek help from a professional, if necessary.

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a crucial element in the aftermath of revealing a significant secret.  It's important to note that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the behavior or forgetting the hurt.  Rather, it's about letting go of resentment and making a conscious decision to move forward.  Both partners must be willing to engage in this process for it to be effective.  It also requires that the person who held the secret, recognize that often forgiveness isn't a "one and done" type of situation and that their partner may need to reforgive multiple times  Frequently, something happens where the betrayed person is reminded of the hurt by something else that happens, causing the anger, hurt, or resentment to resurface, causing them the need to re-forgivess.  Know that this is part of the process and be prepared.

In Summary

Marriage is a journey that involves navigating both the highs and the lows together.  No marriage is perfect.  Secrets, while seomtimes well-intentioned, can have unintended consequences that challenge the strength of the marital bond.  By fostering open communication, seeking professional support when needed, and practicing forgiveness, couples can overcome the obstacles that secrets and emerge stronger on the other side.

As a therapist, I encourage couples to view these challenges as opportunities for growth and deeper connection.  Remember, it's not the absence of secrets that defines a strong marriage, but how couples handle them that truly matters.

If you've recently learned about a secret in your marriage OR you're the person keeping a secret, but need to seek professional help, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

If your secret is that you've been having an affair or cheating on your spouse, and you are looking specifically for individual help, please reach out to my collegue who specializes in working with the person in a relationship, who had the affair. www.affairrecoverycounseling.com

I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, and California.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

Website - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com

Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft

Facebook - www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast or Married & Confused Podcast