Mental Illness in Marriage:
Understanding & Managing One Partner's Diagnosis
Marriage is often seen as a partnership built on love, trust, and companionship, but what happens when one partner is diagnosed with a mental health condition? The impact can be significant, affecting not just the individual but also the dynamic of the relationship. Understanding this influence and finding ways to manage it together is essential for maintaining a healthy marriage.
The Ripple Effect of a Mental Health Diagnosis
Receiving a mental health diagnosis can be scary, nor just for the person receiving the diagnosis, but for the entire family. When one partner receives a mental health diagnosis—whether it’s depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or another condition—it can reshape the foundation of the relationship. It's important for everyone to try to understand the diagnosis and how it may show up in the relationship and family.
Here are some ways this can manifest:
- Emotional Strain: The partner with the diagnosis may experience fluctuations in mood, motivation, and energy levels, which can lead to feelings of frustration, sadness, or withdrawal. The other partner might feel helpless or overwhelmed, unsure of how to help or cope. The emotional strain falls on both partners, and often even other members of the family, as they may feel they need to make up for the changes.
Communication Challenges: Mental health conditions can impede effective communication. The diagnosed partner may struggle to express their feelings, while the other partner might find it difficult to understand their needs. This can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of disconnection. Communication becomes increasingly difficult when the non-diagnossed partner struggles to understand what the diagnosed partner is experiencing. It's hard to have good two way communication when one partner can't relate.
Increased Caregiving Role: The non-diagnosed partner may take on a caregiving role, which, while often born from love, can lead to caregiver fatigue and resentment over time. That resentment can turn into anger and frustration, with feelings of "I didn't sign up for this!" creeping in, but also feeling conflicted because they love their partner.
Social Isolation: Couples may inadvertently isolate themselves from friends and family, often out of concern for the diagnosed partner’s well-being. Sometimes the diagnosed partner can no longer tolerate the same level of social interaction the couple may be used to or may feel self-conscious, like others might "find out" and treat them differently. Because of this, they may end of isolating out of perceived self-preservation. This isolation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and stress for both partners. This is especially true if thte non-diagnosed partner tends to be very social or if their habit as a couple, included more social interactions in the past.
Shift in Priorities: The impact of a mental health condition can lead to a shift in how couples prioritize their time, energy, and resources. Activities that once brought joy may be neglected, leading to a sense of loss within the marriage.
Strategies for Managing the Impact
While a mental health diagnosis can create challenges in any relationship, it is possible to manage these challenges with understanding, empathy, and proactive strategies. Below are some tips on how to best manage the impact of a mental health diagnosis:
Open Communication: Establish a safe space for open and honest communication. Encourage each other to share feelings without judgment. Listen actively and validate each other's experiences. This helps create a strong emotional bond and fosters understanding. I recommend having a scheduled weekly time to sit down and talk together about the past week and plan for the upcoming week, discussing what worked well in the past week, what each person was worried about or felt didn't work well, and what the next steps are to minimize any negative impact. It is extremely important to maintain open lines of communication.
Educate Yourselves: Both partners should take the time to learn about the specific diagnosis. Understanding symptoms, treatment options, and coping mechanisms can empower both partners and demystify the condition. I can't stress the importance of this strategy enough. They say knowledge is power, and in this case, it's the truth. Gaining a better understanding of all aspects of the diagnosis is so helpful in learning how to cope. It also helps the non-diagnosed partner begin to have a somewhat better understanding of what their partner may be going through, leading to increased empathy.
Set Realistic Expectations: Recognize that some days will be better than others. Set realistic expectations about what you can accomplish together and be willing to adjust plans as needed. These are the types of things that should be discussed during your weekly meeting together, and of couse, ongoingly throughout the week, as mood level fluctuate. When there are children or other family members in the home, it's important to get them involved as well, as all parties will need to be able to adapt and adjust.
Practice Self-Care: Caring for oneself is crucial when managing stress in a relationship impacted by mental health issues. The non-diagnosed partner should prioritize their own mental and physical health, ensuring they have the support needed to cope. I've said it before and I'll say it again...this is the same as putting your oxygen mask on before you help your child with theirs. You can't be of support or help to anyone if you are depleted. Make sure you take time for yourself. And make sure that your partner knows and understands, so they don't take it personally or assume you are just burnt out in caring for them.
Build a Support Network: Maintain connections with friends and family, and consider joining support groups for partners of those with mental health conditions. Sharing experiences with others who understand can be incredibly validating and relieving. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I believe it takes a village, in general, to maintain a healthy family. It's important to maintain connections, even when your initial inclination is to isolate. This may be the non-diagnosed partner's main source of support and sanity.
Focus on Teamwork: Approach the situation as a team. Create a list of coping strategies that work for both partners and encourage each other to engage in activities that promote mental well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, or mindfulness practices. The teamwork also includes communication as noted above. What I often find with couples is that the coping strategy that works today, may not work tomorrow, and in fact, may be a stressor tomorrow. So it's important for the channels of communication to remain open. It's also important for the diagnosed partner to try to recognize their mood and what may or may not help them at a given time, and communicate that with their partner.
Seek Professional Help: Engaging with a mental health professional can provide valuable support. Individual therapy can help the diagnosed partner navigate their challenges, while couples therapy can facilitate better communication and strengthen the relationship.
Conclusion
A mental health diagnosis in a marriage can feel daunting, but with love, patience, and a commitment to understanding one another, couples can work through these challenges together. By fostering open communication, seeking professional help, and nurturing personal wellness, marriages can not only survive but thrive in the face of mental health struggles. Ultimately, this journey can lead to deeper intimacy and strengthen the bond as partners learn to navigate life’s complexities hand in hand.
If you or your partner have a mental health diagnosis and it's impacting your relationship, you should consider getting professional help. Please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & Callifornia
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