Building a Strong Marriage: The Power of the Four Agreements
Building a Strong Marriage:
The Power of the Four Agreements
Let’s explore each agreement and how they can transform your relationship.
1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
The first agreement, "Be impeccable with your word," emphasizes the importance of speaking with integrity and honesty. In a marriage, the words you use carry immense weight. They can either build your partner up or tear them down.
So many times in my work with couples, I've seen just how damaging the unintentional use of words can impact a marriage by erroding trust and building walls between each other. It's important to consider what words you use to convey your message and especially how those words could be interpreted by your partner.
Application in Marriage:
Practice Honesty: Always communicate your feelings and needs openly. Instead of making vague hints or passive-aggressive comments, express what you truly want or need. This reduces misunderstandings and fosters trust. I also often advise my couples clinets to overshare. This also help reduce misunderstandings and ensures that no one has to assume what the other person is trying to say.
Avoid Hurtful Language: Choose your words carefully, especially during conflicts. In moments of anger, it's easy to say things you don’t mean. Commit to being respectful, even when discussing difficult topics. I can't stress how important this is. Words means things and can be incredibly hurtful, even when not intended to be. And the words spoken to us are carried with us for a long time. Only you know your partner inside and out, so only you can know what types of words, topics, or tones could have a negative (or positive) impact. Choose wisely.
Encourage Each Other: Use your words to uplift and support your partner. Compliments, appreciation, and encouragement can strengthen your bond and create a positive environment at home. Let's face it, everything like to hear positive things about themselves. It makes us feel good, inside and out. And your spouse should be your biggest cheearleader. It's important to find ways to express appreciation and gratitude to each other or to encourage each other, on a regular basis to maintain a healthy relationship.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
The second agreement, "Don’t take anything personally," invites individuals to recognize that others' actions and words are often a reflection of their own experiences and insecurities, not a direct attack on you. Ugh! It's so easy to take things personally, especially when they come from your spouse. But take a deep breath and remind yourself, some of the things they say are more of a reflection of how they're feeling about themselves, than anything personal toward you.
I've come to learn that when my husband is frustrated by something that isn't going well or isn't working right for him, that frustration comes out in his interactions with me. At first I think, "Why's he biting my head off?!" Then I realize that he's frustrated by something else, and I just happen to be the only person around, so I'm likely to get some of the overflow.
Application in Marriage:
Separate Actions from Identity: When your partner expresses frustration or anger, try to see it as their reaction to a situation rather than a personal indictment of you. This perspective can prevent unnecessary hurt feelings.
Cultivate Resilience: By reframing your mindset, you’ll be better equipped to handle conflicts without becoming defensive. This can lead to more productive discussions and a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives. The less often we take a defensive stance, the better off we'll be in our relationships. Defensiveness tends to cut off meaningful discussion, which only leads to more problems and less communication.
Foster Open Communication: Encourage conversations about feelings without assigning blame. This allows both partners to share their thoughts and emotions without fear of personal attacks. Create a time and space in which to have these types of open conversations, when each partner knows to expect this level of conversation.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
The third agreement, "Don’t make assumptions," highlights the dangers of jumping to conclusions without clear communication. Assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and resentment, which can damage the foundation of your marriage. I remind couples, especially as they are learning new ways of communicating with each other, that it's better to give more information than less, so that their partner never (or rarely) has to guess or assume. They can rely on their partner's clear and detailed information.
Application in Marriage:
Ask Questions: Approach each other with curiosity. Instead of assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling, ask clarifying questions. This demonstrates genuine interest in their perspective and helps prevent miscommunication.
Be Open to Discussion: Set aside judgment and listen to understand. Create a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of being dismissed.
Clarify Expectations: Discuss your needs, wants, and expectations regularly. This proactive approach helps minimize misunderstandings and ensures you’re on the same page. It's so easy to forget or skip this step, even though it may be one of the most important. Regular communication about what's working well, what you're worried about, and what the next steps can be, is an important part of couples communication.
4. Always Do Your Best
The fourth agreement, "Always do your best," emphasizes the importance of striving to put forth your best effort in every situation, recognizing that your best may vary from day to day.
Application in Marriage:
Be Kind to Yourself and Your Partner: Understand that everyone has off days. Instead of expecting perfection, focus on doing your best in each moment. This can foster compassion and patience in your relationship. I remind couples to 'assume positive intent' from their spouse. We all make mistakes, but it's not helpful for our partner to think we're out to get them. It's generally a good idea to assume positive intent from your spouse - assuming that they are saying or doing what they're saying or doing because they have your best interest at heart.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge the small victories and efforts made by both partners. Celebrating progress can motivate you both to continue growing and improving together. It's important to acknowledge progress - small wins. If your partner doesn't know you recognize their progress, there's no motivation to continue. And celebrating together also helps strengthen the marital bond.
Prioritize Self-Care: Doing your best also means taking care of yourself. When you nurture your own well-being, you’ll be in a better position to contribute positively to your marriage. Like I always remind people - put your oxygen mask on before helping someone else put theirs on.
Conclusion
Integrating the Four Agreements into your marriage can lead to profound changes in how you communicate and interact with each other. As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen how these principles can foster deeper understanding, enhance connection, and create a more harmonious partnership. Remember that implementing these agreements is a journey; be patient with yourselves as you work together to build a strong and resilient marriage. By committing to being impeccable with your word, avoiding personal assumptions, clarifying expectations, and always doing your best, you can develop a lasting relationship that thrives on mutual respect, love, and understanding.
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If you're looking to strengthen your marriage or you'd like help integrating the Four Agreements into your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & Callifornia
Very well written!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Much appreciated. Please feel free to share with family, friends, clients, or colleagues.
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