Beyond the Hurt: How Forgiveness Sets You Free (6 Steps to Forgiveness)
Beyond the Hurt:
How Forgiveness Sets You Free
(6 Steps to Forgiveness)
What Forgiveness Is (and Isn’t)
Let’s start by clarifying what forgiveness is. Many people I work with fear that forgiving means excusing the wrongdoing or pretending the pain doesn’t matter. But that’s not forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about erasing the past or letting someone off the hook; it’s about releasing yourself from the emotional weight that the hurt carries. Forgiveness is more of a weight on us than it will ever be for the one who hurt us.
Instead, forgiveness is the process of intentionally letting go of anger and resentment toward someone who has wronged you, even if they don't deserve it. It's a conscious decision to change your feelings, attitudes, and behavior, and to no longer be dominated by resentment. Forgiveness is a decision—a choice to no longer let the pain have power over you. It’s about saying, “I won’t allow this to control my emotions, my thoughts, or my actions any longer.” This process doesn’t make the offense okay, but it opens the door to healing.
The Burden of Unforgiveness
Holding onto resentment is like carrying a heavy burden that you might not even realize is there. It was once shared with me that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Unforgiveness really only affects you, not the offender. It affects your emotional well-being, your relationships, and even your physical health. I often see couples or family members who are stuck in cycles of conflict because past hurts have never been addressed. The anger, bitterness, and unresolved pain create an emotional wall between partners or family members, preventing genuine connection and deepening distance.
The problem with holding onto unforgiveness is that it doesn’t just impact the relationship—it impacts you. Harboring resentment leads to stress, anxiety, and even depression. It creates an internal prison, one that we often lock ourselves into without realizing it. Can you imagine what your life could be like if you were to genuinely forgive those who have wronged or hurt you? How freeing!
Forgiveness: The Path to Freedom
So, why does forgiveness set you free?
It Releases Emotional Weight: When you choose to forgive, you’re releasing yourself from the constant mental and emotional replay of the hurt. You free your heart and mind from dwelling on the pain. You are able to let go of the expectation that the other person will seek forgiveness or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. This emotional release allows you to focus on healthier, more fulfilling aspects of life, rather than reliving old wounds. There's no sense in us constantly putting our old wounds on repeat, allowing them to hurt us...over and over and over. Why would we purposefly do that to ourselves. As Elsa from Frozen would say..."Let it go! Let it go!"
It Restores Connection: In relationships, forgiveness is key to rebuilding trust and intimacy. Without it, the relationship remains stuck in a cycle of hurt and anger. While forgiveness doesn’t mean everything will be instantly fixed, it does create a foundation for growth and healing to begin. Couples who learn to forgive each other find that they can reconnect in deeper and more meaningful ways. Friends or family members who learn to forgive each other find that they can reconnect and open to new levels of friendship and connection. And within families, it restores connections that were indirectly broken due to other members' unforgiveness with each other.
It Empowers You: Forgiveness is empowering because it allows you to take back control over your emotions and your life. Yeah, read that again...forgiveness allos you to take back control over your own emotions and your own life. Stop giving control of your feelings to other people. Instead of being at the mercy of someone else’s actions, you’re choosing how you respond. In doing so, you reclaim your peace and emotional well-being.
It Reflects Grace: When working with Christian couples, I often talk about forgiveness in the context of grace. We are all in need of grace and forgiveness, both from God and from each other. When we extend that grace to others, we are living out one of the most powerful teachings of Christ. Forgiving doesn’t just set you free from the hurt—it also draws you closer to God’s heart and His healing love. But even outside of the context of religion, everyone deserves grace. We all make mistakes. I frequently tell couples that instead of holding onto the anger and assuming the other person is going to hurt you again and again, instead, assume positive intent. Going into any situation, assume that the other person is going to act out of positive intent and not out of malice.
The Steps to Forgiveness
Forgiving someone, especially in the context of marriage or family, is rarely an easy or quick process. It takes time and often requires emotional support. Here are a few steps I guide my clients through:
Acknowledge the Hurt: Don’t bypass your pain. Acknowledge how you were hurt and the emotions that come with it. You need to fully understand the impact before you can release it.
Make the Choice: Remember, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You don’t have to feel like forgiving in order to begin the process. Sometimes, the act of forgiving comes long before the emotions of peace and healing follow. Making the choice is just the beginning. It make take some time.
Tell the Offender: Sometimes it's important to tell the person who offended you, that you were hurt by their actions or words, but that you have chosen to forgive them and that you still love and care about them. It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship will be magically restored or even that it will ever be the same as before, but it brings the forgiveness full circle in releasing it's power. In other circumstances, it may not be possible, because the hurt was caused by a stranger or someone you no longer have contact with. Other times, it is not wise to tell the offender, because it just reopens a door that they will try to enter, to erroneously regain trust, so they can hurt you again.
Set Boundaries if Necessary: Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing someone to continually hurt you. It’s important to set healthy boundaries that protect your emotional and physical well-being. This may mean setting parameters around your relationships or it could mean removing yourself from relationship, on occasion. Boundaries are necessary. Just because we choose to forgive, doesn't mean we have to or should continue to allow that person to hurt us.
Seek Support: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Whether through therapy, a trusted friend, or a spiritual mentor, having someone walk with you through the process can be a source of strength. It's helpful to have someone not only hold you accountable, but to encourage you when forgiveness is hard. To remind you to let it go.
Focus on the Bigger Picture: In the end, forgiveness is about more than the other person—it’s about your emotional and spiritual freedom. When you forgive, you’re choosing to move forward in peace, rather than staying stuck in the past. Forgiveness is a larger form of self-care.
Conclusion: Freedom Beyond the Hurt
Forgiveness is one of the hardest, yet most liberating, choices you can make. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it certainly doesn’t erase the pain, but it does release the power that pain has over you. As a therapist, I’ve seen forgiveness heal marriages, restore families, and transform lives.
When you forgive, you’re choosing to live beyond the hurt. You’re choosing freedom, peace, and ultimately, a life not defined by the wounds of the past, but by the grace and growth that come with healing.
If you'd like more direct and personal help with forgiveness or in a marriage relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
If you'd like to listen to the Married & Confused Podcast episode on this topic, please click here.
You can also listen to all the episodes of the Married & Confused Podcast on your favorite podcast platform by searching for Married & Confused Podcast.
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