8 Strategies for Healthy Interactions with Your Ex-Spouse
8 Strategies for Healthy Interactions with Your Ex-Spouse
1. Set Clear Boundaries
As with any relationship, establishing boundaries is extremely important. It ensures both parties understand the limits of the interactions and set parameters around what you will and will not tolerate. This could involve agreeing on topics to discuss (like co-parenting or finances) and avoiding sensitive areas like past grievances. It could also include agreeing on what topics are NOT to be discussed in front of the children or what topics should or shouldn't involve the new relationship partners. And it can also include when or where certain topics should be discussed.
Boundaries should be set up front, getting out in front of any potential conflicts. Trying to set boundaries when things are already tense, is a recipe for disaster. Set them and agree to them from the start, including how to adjust them if and when it's needed.
Pro Tip: Develop the boundaries that are most important to you and let go of those that aren't as important in the big picture. Be willing to have some compromises. Developing boundaries is not about insisting that everything go your way. Communicate your hard and fast boundaries calmly and stick to them, even if the other person pushes back.
2. Keep Conversations Purposeful
When communicating, stay focused on the matter at hand. Avoid bringing up unrelated issues or rehashing old arguments, as this can derail productive discussions. Since you are now exes, there is really no reason to rehash old issues. All it does it fuel the flames of anger that keep you from having healthy dialogue. If things start to go off track, quickly redirect the conversation to the topic at hand. If one or both of you are unable to do so, then it's best to put a pin in it and come back to it when you're able to maintain civility and productivity.
If children are involved, your overarching goal should be to model a healthy relationship, even if it is a relationship between exes. Modeling how to be cordial and how to appropriately communicate with someone you're no longer married to, can be just as helpful of a learning tool as modeling a health marriage. Children also need to learn how to have healthy conflict and how to interact with people they don't particularly get along with or like. That's part of the world we live in and our job as parents to help them learn.
Pro Tip: Before a conversation, outline what you need to address and stick to your agenda. Write it out for yourself, if necessary. Refer to it as you speak. There's nothing that says you can't have notes to keep you grounded during your conversation.
3. Practice Emotional Detachment
Managing emotions is key to preventing conflicts from escalating. Prior to entering the conversation, make sure you've taken steps to be as calm and emotionally regulated as possible. Entering a conversation when you're already on edge is bound to go sideways.
When speaking, take a deep breath, pause before responding, and avoid reacting impulsively to provocative statements. In fact, ignore statements that are made in an effort to upset you. If you don't give them the reaction they're looking for, they're more likely to stop. Leave your emotions at the door.
Pro Tip: If emotions run high, consider ending the conversation and revisiting it later when both parties are calmer. In my experience, conversations that are held when one or both of the individuals are on high emotions never go well. In fact, they stray from the intended purpose and serve only to agitate both parties.
4. Use Neutral Communication Channels
For some people, having in person or voice contact is just too much. If direct communication proves difficult, consider using neutral platforms like text, email or co-parenting apps. These types of tools allow you to communicate clearly and document important discussions. When there is a lot of contention between two people, I highly recommend using such communication tools, so that there is a paper trail, of sorts, to prove what was and wasn't said or done.
While it's always best to have direct communication, there are circumstances in which this isn't possible. Sometimes you may even need a mediator to assist in resolving difficult disputes.
Pro Tip: Platforms like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents can help streamline co-parenting communication. If you need additional mediation assistance, please feel free to reach out to me directly at brittanie.mills@hotmail.com. If you are outside of CA or TN, I can assist you in finding a certified mediator.
5. Focus on the Best Interests of Your Children
If children are involved, always, always prioritize their well-being above personal grievances. Keep discussions about them constructive and avoid speaking negatively about your ex in their presence. Never use your children as weapons, punishments, or messengers. Your children should not feel like they have to mediate the beef between their parents or that they are responsible for facilitating discussions. Leave that for the adults only.
Pro Tip: Emphasize teamwork by framing decisions around what’s best for your children. Leave out the personal emotions and always redirect the conversations to be about the chilren.
6. Seek Mediation or Counseling When Necessary
If interactions become consistently tense or unproductive, consider involving a mediator or counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and facilitate healthier communication. Mediators are trained to help parties come to a constructive and fair resolution and joint agreements. Counselors often help parties learn to better understand each other and find productive ways of ongoing communication.
Pro Tip: Mediation can be especially helpful for resolving disputes without escalating to legal battles. Counseling is often a helpful tool BEFORE divorce. And counseling may be helpful for children of divorce, to help them process their own feelings about what happened to their family.
7. Respect New Relationships
If your ex-spouse has a new partner, acknowledge their role in your ex’s life, especially if they interact with your children. Treat them with respect to maintain a harmonious environment. I recognize this can be hard because it's not always easy allowing someone else to become a parent in your child's life. However, if you can take the high road and develop a positive, working relationship and communication with your ex's new partner, this can only benefit your children. In the big picture, your children are now fortunate enough to have multiple "parents" who love and care about them.
Additionally, children of divorce often struggle when a parent's new partner joins the picture. They often feel conflicted about who to "like" and who their allegience, of sorts, should be to. As the adults, we should never make them feel that they have to choose. If they see one parent getting along with the partner of the other parents, it eases the tension they feel to pick sides, just by knowing that their parent and the new partner get along. It's not always easy, but it's definitely what's best for the children.
Also, once your ex has a new partner, the partner usually diffuses some of the anger and tension that your ex feels and can offer a second opinion on difficult topics. And your ex is often happier and more easy-going and forgiving when a new partner enters the picture. For many families, the new partner takes on some of the parenting duties, freeing up some emotional strain from the bio parent and minimizing the amount of contact they need to have with their ex. New relationships don't have to be a bad thing. Cultivate them to work in yours and the children's favor.
Pro Tip: From the start, assume positive intent. Expect that the new partner wants to have a civil, peaceful relationship and wants to have a good working relationship with you. Keep interactions courteous and avoid making assumptions or judgments.
8. Take Care of Your Own Well-Being
Managing interactions with an ex can be emotionally draining. So, it's important to take care of yourself. Prioritize self-care by seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help process your feelings. Again, it's like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, before trying to help others. You won't be any good to your children, your job, or your friends, if you don't make the effort and time to take care of yourself.
Pro Tip: Engage in activities that bring you joy and reduce stress, such as exercise or hobbies. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Moving Forward with Confidence
While managing interactions with an ex-spouse can be difficult, adopting these strategies can foster healthier communication and reduce conflict. Remember, the goal is to create a respectful and functional dynamic that benefits everyone involved. Ideally, you can maintain a healthy, friendly, co-parenting (for those with children) relationship with respect.
The above is just a short list of tips on how to maintain a health and productive relationship with your ex-spouse. What strategies have worked for you in managing interactions with an ex-spouse? Share your experiences in the comments below!
If you'd like individual support after or during a divorce, or you'd like couples counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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