When I'm Right, I'm Right! When to Stand Your Ground and When to Concede
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When I'm Right, I'm Right:
When to Stand My Ground & When to Concede
The Importance of Picking Your Battles
In any marriage, it’s vital to recognize that not every disagreement requires a winner and a loser. Some arguments stem from deeply held values, while others are rooted in personal preferences or minor frustrations. The first step in deciding whether to stand firm or let go is assessing the issue’s importance. Some things just aren't worth a fight. You have to determine the cost to your relationship and whether it's worth it.
Ask yourself:
Is this disagreement about a core value or belief?
- If it is, then it's likely worth standing your ground. Your relationship should never cause you to compromise your morals or values. Only YOU can determine if you want to change your values.
- If it's about a belief, then I recommend being open to hearing your spouse's point of view. Your current belief may be grounded in old or limited information and hearing an updated or expanded explanation may allow you to open your mind to a different belief.
Will standing my ground strengthen our relationship, or create unnecessary tension?
- It's always a good idea to determine how your decision will affect the relationship, as a whole. If standing your ground will ultimately strengthen your marriage, then, by all means, hold strong. Sometimes that is truly the case, where the spouse doesn't have all the knowledge or experience on a subject, that you have.
- If standing your ground is likely to create unnecessary tension, then consider how important the topic is. Is it about leaving the toilet seat up, putting the dirty clothes in the hamper, or putting the cap back on the toothpaste? If so, then it's probably not worth the fight. Save your "standing my ground" stance for important topics, like how to discipline your children, and how to save or spend money.
Am I holding onto this issue out of principle, or is it about being "right"?
- Do you have a strongly held reason that you feel this way about the issue? Was is something you were taught as a child or have had a particular positive or negative experience about? If so, then you may want to stand your ground, while still being open to hearing your spouse's point of view.
- But if you just feel like you're always giving in and just want to prove your point, regardless of whether you are really right or wrong, that sounds more like you're just stomping your feet to get your way, but for no good reason.
Sometimes, conceding on smaller matters can pave the way for greater harmony and mutual respect.
When to Stand Your Ground
There are moments in a marriage when standing your ground is essential. These include:
Core Values: If the disagreement involves something fundamental to who you are, like your faith, ethics, or parenting philosophy, it’s worth advocating for your perspective. Hopefully you and your spouse can have some open dialogue about such topics and either come to an agreement, or agree to disagree. The area in which we cannot agree to disagree is about our parenting philosophy, because children need consistency. If you and your spouse do not agree about parenting, then perhaps and agreement needs to be made about who will be the disciplinarian in the household. Although I would also strongly recommend that you and your spouse discuss and agree upon your parenting philosophy PRIOR to getting married.
Boundaries: Healthy relationships require boundaries. If your spouse’s actions or requests cross a line that threatens your well-being or self-respect, it’s important to speak up. It's so easy to assume that we shouldn't have boundaries within our marriages, however, it's still important to ensure that the person you are the closest too, respects what is important to you or doesn't push you in areas that are uncomfortable. Again, it's important for each of you to discuss your boundaries with each other.
Mutual Goals: When decisions affect your shared future, like financial planning or career moves, standing firm on what aligns with your collective goals can be necessary. Once we're married, we often develop goals together. And once we've done that, it's important that we support each other in things related to our mutual goals. Sometimes one person may start to fall off track, and will need their spouse to help get them back on track. But it's important for each of you to stand your ground on your mutual goals, or mutally discuss and decide to shift them.
When to Concede
Conceding doesn’t mean giving up or losing. It means choosing the relationship over being right in certain situations. Times to consider conceding include:
Minor Disagreements: If the issue won’t matter in a week, month, or year, letting it go can save emotional energy. Decide if it's the hill you want to die on. So many things that are commonly argued about in marriages, are so small and insignificant in the big picture. You don't always have to be right. Or should I say, you can be right and know it in your own mind, but it isn't a disagreement that needs to be brought up within the relationship.
Recognizing Valid Points: Sometimes, your partner has a perspective you hadn’t considered. Acknowledging their view fosters collaboration and mutual respect. Always, always, always be open to hearing your partner's perspective. Each of us are unique individuals and can offer different ways of thinking about things. And sometimes their perspective is better than ours. If that's the case, then you can concede.
Avoiding Power Struggles: Constantly insisting on being right can erode trust and intimacy. Letting go of the need to "win" can shift the focus back to teamwork. It's important to ask ourselves why we always feel the need to "win". And once we answer that question, it may help us move away from that need, to being able to be content without the "win". Power struggles in a marriage, over time, only tend to lend themselves to eroding the relationship, instead of building it up. And I'm guessing that's not really what you want to do.
Strategies for Healthy Conflict Resolution
I know I've mentioned it or discussed it many times, throughout these blogs, but communication is SO important to a health relationship. Navigating disagreements requires effective communication and a willingness to understand each other. Here are some strategies:
Listen Actively: Instead of preparing your rebuttal, truly hear your partner’s point of view.
Listen to Reflect: Once you've heard your partner's point of view, reflect it back to them in your own words, confirming with them that you heard them accurately.
Pause Before Reacting: Taking a moment to breathe can prevent emotional outbursts and allow for thoughtful responses. If you find yourself getting heated about a topic or situation, stop, take a few deep breaths, inhaling for 5 seconds and exhaling for 5 seconds, and then respond. If you are still feeling very agitated, then ask for a longer pause, or a time out, as long as you come back to the discussion at a later time.
Seek Common Ground: Look for areas where you both agree and build from there. It's important to find areas of agreement or commonality and build from there. Focus on the positive, not the negative.
Know When to Apologize: This is huge! Apologies go a long way. If you realize you’re wrong, owning it can go a long way in fostering trust and connection. Acknowledge to your partner when you're wrong and ask for forgiveness.
A Balanced Approach
Marriage is NOT about keeping score; it’s about building a life together. It's not about tit for tat. It's not about 50/50 fairness. By discerning when to hold firm and when to step back, you create space for growth, mutual understanding, and deeper intimacy. Remember, it’s not about being right—it’s about being connected. As long as we focus on and seek to remain connected and improve our connection, we are likely to be able to weather any storm.
If you'd like personal help in your marriage relationship, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
If you'd like to listen to the Married & Confused Podcast episode on this topic, please click here.
You can also listen to all the episodes of the Married & Confused Podcast on your favorite podcast platform by searching for Married & Confused Podcast.
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