The Questions Therapists Hear the Most (And the Ones You’re Afraid to Ask)
Questions Therapists Hear the Most
(And the Ones You're Afraid to Ask)
Therapists hear it all—questions about relationships, mental health, personal growth, and sometimes, even the meaning of life. While every session is unique, certain questions tend to come up again and again.
Common Questions in Therapy
🧠 "Is this normal?"
People often wonder if their thoughts, feelings, or experiences are typical. The truth? Everyone has struggles, and therapy is a safe place to explore them without judgment.
I often tell my clients that I don't like to use the word "normal". What's normal for one person might not be normal for another. Not to mention, "normal" stigmatizes people and can create more anxiety or self-esteem issues for many people. I do reassure my clients sometimes that what they're asking or feeling is "common" or that I've heard it before. I think it's important for clients not to be burdened with worries that what their feeling is somehow weird or a sign that they're "crazy". So, I work to reassure clients about their feelings, instead of stigmatizing.
💔 "How do I fix my relationship?"
Whether it’s a marriage, friendship, or family conflict, people want to know how to communicate better, set boundaries, or rebuild trust.
I remind people that fixing relationships take work AND time. I tell them that the relationship didn't get into the problematic status it's in overnight and it won't get fixed overnight. I also tell clients that in order to "fix" a relationship, they're going to have to learn how to do things differently. So many people think they can come to therapy and continue on the way they've always been and that somehow things will magically change, or worse, that their partner is the one to blame and if their partner changes, then everything will be okay. Both people in a relationship, whether it's a marriage, friendship, or family member, have to be willing to put the work in, to improve the relationship. A relationship consists of two people, so both people need to participate in order to successfully "fix the relationship"/
😞 "Why do I feel this way?"
This is such a loaded question, because each person is different, has had different experiences, and has responded to those experiences differently. Therapy helps uncover patterns, past experiences, and emotions that influence how you feel today.
Without doing a super deep dive into their past (unless specifically requested), I ask clients what they are seeking therapy about and what they are hoping to achieve, and I also ask them a bit about themselves and their history. And then begin asking powerful questions that get them thinking about things differently than they have before. I tie my questions and my subsequent reflections back to the issues they want to address, allowing them to make the connections themselves and begin to think about what changes are needed. I guide them to their own understanding of why they feel the way they feel, as guide them to develop their own solutions, as well.
🎭 "Am I overreacting?"
Many clients second-guess their emotions or question whether they are overthinking a siutation, but a therapist helps validate feelings while also exploring healthier ways to cope.
I ask questions or reflect back things the client has said, using different words, so that the client gets a different perspective of the same situation they are likely overreacting about. My goal is to help them thing about the situation differently, so that they can determine whether they are overreacting or so they can choose a different reaction. I help them begin to look at their own reactions differently so that they can develop their own healthier ways to cope, in ways that feel authentic and organic to them.
⚖️ "How do I stop worrying so much?"
Anxiety and stress are major concerns and are issues that clients frequently come to therapy to address. People want practical tools to quiet their racing thoughts and find peace. There are many different ways to address worry, anxiety, and stress, but it depends on each person's unique situation.
In helping my clients with anxiety, I ask a number of questions about themselves, what brings them joy, what helps them feel calm, etc. I use these things to help them develop activities they can do to stop their anxiety. I think it's important to tap into things that have meaning for each client, as well as using common coping strategies. I think it by doing that, it makes the process a little easier for them. But I do also discuss common coping strategies, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, muscle relaxation, and visualization.
👤 "Who am I, really?"
From career changes to major life transitions, self-identity is a huge theme in therapy. Many seek guidance on discovering their values, goals, and purpose.
When clients are struggling to figure out who they are, I think it's really important to help them see who they WANT to be, and then work backward from there, to achieve that goal. Finding their "lost" self isn't helpful if that's not who or how they want to be. People naturally change over time, based on life experiences, learned knowledge, and past hurts. And often when people are trying to discover who they are, there was a catalyst. I help them see the differences between their "old" selves and the "new" self they are creating, and I also explain some of the difficulties that may arise when they make these changes, especially in long term relatioships who are used to dealing with the "old" version of the client. These changes often lead to big changes in relationship dynamics, so I also help clients prepare for that, while they make the positive changes for themselves.
The Unspoken Questions
Sometimes, the biggest questions aren’t asked out loud:
- "Will you judge me?"
- NO! Therapists spend a lot of time in school learning about not judging clients and meeting them where they're at. We work hard to maintain a non-judgemental space for our clients, so they feel safe and heard.
- But in all transparency, therapists are humans too! So if we do start to feel judgemental, we seek consultation for ourselves, so that we can continue to be a safe place for the client.
- "Am I too broken to be helped?"
- ABSOLUTELY NOT! No one is beyond help. I truly believe that every person has the ability to heal. No one will ever be perfect or completely problem-free, but no one is "too broken". The healing work may take more time and energy, both on the part of the client and the therapist, but it's never impossible.
- Again, in all transparency, each therapist has areas of practice that are within their scope of practice, scope of expertise, or scope of experience. So, a client may start working with one therapist, and after some time, both the therapist and the client realize that the client may better benefit from working with a different therapist, with a different area of expertise. And that's okay!
- "Is it okay to talk about this?"
- YES! Therapy is a safe space to talk about anything and everything that's on your mind. And because the therapist isn't there to judge, nothing you say will be too crazy. And we've likely heard it all before. For me, my goal is always to make sure the client feels safe and comfortable to share whatever is on their mind, without worrying about judgement or about offending me. For the most part, my feelings are not the concern in a therapy setting - the client's feelings are the priority. And that's another reason that therapists learn to be neutral parties. By being neutral, the client naturally feel more comfortable sharing whatever is on their mind.
- And in all transparency, there are a few things that therapists are required to report, if you disclose. We are considered Mandated Reporters, so we are legally required to report suspected or known abuse of a child or vulnerable adult. This can include child abuse/neglect, domestic abuse, elder abuse, animal abuse, sexual harassment, or sexual exploitation. We are also have a Duty to Warn in which we are required to disclose confidential information if a patient poses a danger to themselves or others. This applies when a client threatens to harm themselves or others, and has the means to do so, when a client has an explicit threat to kill or inflict serious bodily injurty on themselves or others, or when a client is in imminent danger of harming themselves or others. This involves warning the intended victim, notifying the police or appropriate authorities, and taking other steps to prevent violence, such as involuntary hospitalization.
At the core of all these questions is a desire for understanding, healing, and hope. And no matter what’s on your mind, a good therapist will meet you with empathy, not judgment.
I'm hoping to be able to have another blog post in the future, addressing any other questions that you share.
So, what’s a question you’ve always wanted to ask a therapist?
Share it in the comments or send it to me via email.
If you're interested in receiving therapy, either individually or for your marriage, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
If you'd like to listen to the Married & Confused Podcast episode on this topic, please click here.
You can also listen to all the episodes of the Married & Confused Podcast on your favorite podcast platform by searching for Married & Confused Podcast.
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