Love On the Frontlines: 5 Ways to Manage Marriage During Deployment
Love on the Frontlines:
5 Ways to Manage Marriage During Deployment
Military deployment can be one of the toughest challenges a married couple faces. The physical distance, emotional strain, and uncertainty can take a toll on both partners. However, with preparation, communication, and intentional effort, you can strengthen your marriage despite the distance.
Here’s how:
1. Prepare for the Transition
Deployment brings significant changes, and preparing ahead of time can ease the transition. Discuss expectations such as how much information the deployed spouse can share about where they are and what they're doing, or about when and how often the two of you will be able to talk. Will it be by phone, Facetime, or Zoom? Discuss expectations around either partner going out for a night on the town, with friends or members of their military team. What's okay and what's not.
If there are children involved, does the deployed spouse expect the civilian spouse to take the children to see his family on a regular basis? Or will the civilian spouse be living with or near their own family?
It's also important to discuss finances. Discuss what the expected income is and when it is expected to be received. Determine how much will be used for food, rent (if applicable), etc. and how much will be put away in savings. It's also important to discuss the financial implications in the event the deployed spouse is killed in the line of duty or while deployed. Make sure that the civilian spouse knows what steps to take should this occur and that they have the necessary documents available to ensure a smooth process. Discuss whether or not the civilian spouse plans to work to supplement the military income, and if so, how often and doing what? And if there are children involved, who will watch the children while the civilian spouse is working?,
And it's a good idea to discuss household responsibilities before deployment to ensure that things run smoothly while the deployed spouse is gone and so they come back to a well run household. What are the minimum things that the deployed spouse expects the civilian spouse to take care of while they're gone? What things are they able to hire out for? Finding out about some unexpected expense or problem at home, when the deployed spouse is often thousands of miles away, makes then a less effective military team member. The civilian spouse should make sure there are no to minimal negative surprises for their deployed spouse to have to deal with.
Also, the civilian that remains at home also needs to consider how to prepare for their own loneliness by developing friendships or being part of support groups. Depending on whether the couples lives on base or is able to live off base near prior family or friends, this will be a crucial piece of the well-being of the civilian spouse. If necessary, both parties should take steps to get to know some of the other military families, especially civilian spouses, so that the remaining spouse has people they know to turn to when they feel sad or lonely. And it's helpful to have smeone who understands the ups and downs of military life.
Action Steps:
Create a financial plan and ensure both partners have access to important accounts. But also make sure that passwords are secured and not easily accessible, especially for the deployed spouse, should they be captured, held hostage, or worse yet, pass away.
Discuss communication preferences (letters, emails, video calls) and set realistic expectations about frequency and length. Also discuss the possibility of not being able to write or call as often as expected, should things on deployment take a turn in a different direction.
Plan ahead for major life events or emergencies. Who will the civilian spouse call in the event of an emergency? How will important information be relayed to the deployed spouse? As much as possible, have these plans in place, so things aren't so chaotic in the heat of the moment.
2. Prioritize Communication
Staying connected is probably one of the most essential components of managing marriage during deployment, but deployment can also make communication unpredictable. Be flexible and creative in finding ways to maintain your bond. Think about each other's love language and accommodate it as much as possible. Find ways to stay front of mind for your spouse. Find ways to express how much you love each other, even when unable to talk directly for days at a time.
Tips for Staying Connected:
Schedule regular check-ins whenever possible. But also have understandings and expectations if those check-inc can't or don't happen as expected. Remember the military controls the deployed spouse's schedule and they can't very well tell their Commanding Officer, "Oh, hey, gimme a minute or two, I need to check in with my spouse!"
Send handwritten letters or care packages for a personal touch. While many of us think about the civilian sending handwritten letters and care packages to the deployed spouse, like we see in movies, it's equally important, if and when possible, for the deployed partner to send handwritten letters and even care packages, showing the civilian spouse that they're thinking about them. These types of communication go a long way for both spouses. And children, as well.
Keep a shared journal where you write messages back and forth. This may be for deeper personal thoughts over a longer period of time or when more frequent contact cannot be maintained.
3. Manage Expectations and Emotions
Deployment comes with emotional ups and downs. Loneliness, stress, and frustration are normal, but managing them effectively is key to maintaining a strong marriage. It's important to find ways to appropriately and productively manage the stress and frustration.
Strategies:
Acknowledge and validate each other’s feelings without judgment. Recongize that there will be sadness, fear, and frustration, sometimes all at once. Allow each other space to share what's on their mind. Try not to spend too much time focusing on the negative, especially when time is limited.
Find a support system, such as other military spouses or a therapist, or a combo of the two. Or perhaps you're a part of a faith community, so utilize their support, as well.
Stay busy with hobbies, work, or volunteer activities to help manage the separation. There's nothing worse that the civilian spouse just sitting at home, twidling their thumbs, watching the minutes, hours, weeks, and months pass until their spouse returns. That's a sure fire receipe for emotional disaster.
4. Build Trust and Reassurance
Trust is the foundation of any healthy marriage, and deployment can test it in new ways. Strengthen your relationship by being intentional about building trust and offering reassurance. Put things in place ahead of time, that reassure each other and build trust. Make agreements around certain activities and people.
Ways to Strengthen Trust:
Be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings. Even if they're difficult. The more honest and open you can be with each other, the better.
Avoid unnecessary conflicts by assuming the best in each other. Always assume positive intent. Don't assume your spouse did something hurtful on purpose or that they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. And don't believe the first rumor you hear. Talk to each other openly.
Remind each other of your commitment and love often. I feel like this goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway. We are human beings and we need verbal reassurance of each other's love and commitment, so make sure that you are telling your spouse frequently, how much you love them, how much you look forward to seeing them, and that your commitment to them is as strong as every.
5. Plan for the Reunion
The end of deployment is an exciting event to look forward to, especially after a long deployment or a deployment in which communication between the spouses was minimal. But the return also brings adjustments. Reintegration into "regular" life takes time, and both partners may need to readjust to daily life together. Each of you are used to your own routines and schedules, so be respectful of each other and extend grace to each other as you slowly fit yourselves back into each other's lives.
Post-Deployment Tips:
Be patient with each other during the reintegration process. Things don't just automatically fall back into place seamlessly. It takes effort and time. Be patient.
Take time to reconnect emotionally and physically at a comfortable pace. Neither partner should force the other partner to reconnect emotionally, and especially physically, at a pace that is too quick for them. This may end up having the opposite effect, pushing the spouse away, instead of drawing them closer.
Seek professional guidance if needed to navigate the transition smoothly. There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help from a therapist, in order to assist with a smooth transition home. In fact, it may be the best way to ensure the smoothest reunion and reintegration possible.
Final Thoughts
Deployment is a challenge, but it doesn’t have to weaken your marriage. With intentional effort, clear communication, and unwavering support, you and your spouse can navigate this season with resilience and come out stronger than ever. Stay connected, trust each other, and remember—you’re on the same team, no matter the distance.
If you're interested in receiving individual or marriage counseling, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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