Marriage and Mourning: How to Support Your Partner in Grief





Marriage and Mourning: 

How to Support Your Partner in Grief

The death of a parent is a difficult loss to endure, however, the death of a parent-in-law is also a significant loss, not just for your spouse, but often for you and for your shared life as a couple. It's a time when grief can manifest in unexpected ways, and your relationship will be tested. How you navigate this difficult period together can strengthen your bond and provide vital support to one another. 

Here's a guide to managing the loss of a spouse's parent as a couple:

1. Acknowledge the Unique Grief:

  • Understand it's your spouse's primary grief: While you may have loved your parent-in-law dearly, remember that your spouse's grief is the most profound. They've lost a parent, a fundamental, lifelong relationship.  It's important to remember this time is not about you.  You may need to find your own way to grieve or seek support through a friend, family member, or professional counselor.
  • Recognize your secondary grief:   At the same time, your grief is valid too. You've lost someone important in your life and the life of your family, and you're grieving for your spouse's pain.  And if you have children, you are also grieving for the loss of their grandparent and the relationship that was and/or could have been.
  • Avoid comparisons:   While it may feel like you are providing empathy, it's important that you don't compare your grief to your spouse's or try to minimize their feelings. Everyone grieves differently.  And while you may have previously lost your spouse, your set of feelings will be very different from your spouse's set of feelings and that needs to be respected.

2. Open Communication is Key:

  • Create a safe space: Encourage open and honest communication about feelings, memories, and needs. Listen without judgment.  Listen without comparing.  And listen without rushing.  It's likely your spouse will need multiple opportunities to just vent.  And sometimes it may not even make sense or seem rational to you.  But that's not for you to judge.  Your role during this time is simply to provide a safe space of support and tenderness.
  • Ask, don't assume: Don't assume you know what your spouse needs. Ask them directly. "How can I best support you right now?" is a powerful question.  Aside from obvious needs, like needing a tissue to wipe their tears or nose, it's best to just gently ask.  And if they can't answer in the moment, your quiet presence is probably what they need most.
  • Share your own feelings: While prioritizing your spouse's grief, don't neglect your own emotional needs. When the time is right, sharing your feelings can foster intimacy and understanding.  But just make sure that you don't go overboard in your expression or take away from the profound loss your spouse is experiencing.  If necessary, find a friend, family member, or professional to help you more fully process your own grief.
  • Be patient: Grief is a process, not an event. There will be good days and bad days. Be patient with each other.  Grief over the loss of a loved one may come up at unexpected moments, days months, or even years after the loss.  A memory is often a trigger for such moments.  Be patient with your spouse when this happens.  Provide comfort as needed.  Again, ask how you can be of support, or ask them to share the memory with you.

3. Practical Support and Shared Responsibilities:

  • Divide tasks: Funeral arrangements, paperwork, and other practical tasks can be overwhelming. Divide responsibilities based on your strengths and availability.  Enlist the help of other friends and family members.  This is a time when communities come together  to help.  Swallow your pride and accept whatever help is offered to you.  Take care of the things that only you can do, while still ensuring you're present for your spouse, and delegate what you can.  Ask your spouse if there are any specific things they would like to be responsible for, and allow them to do that.  Be available to provide support, if things get too emotional for them.
  • Offer tangible help: Cook meals, run errands, or simply offer a listening ear. Small acts of kindness can make a big difference.  You'd be surprised at just how much these types of offers are appreciated during such an emotional and often chaotic time.  Help take the load off your spouse however you can, including household chores that they normally take care of, to keeping the children distracted.
  • Support family connections: Help your spouse maintain connections with their remaining family members. This can be a vital source of comfort.  Even if there has previously been tension between your spouse and her other family members, the passing of a parent frequently changes some of those dynamics because everyone begins to look at mortality differently and recognizes that life is short and family feuds are unnecessary.  And the same hold true if there are family members that you historically don't get along with.  Suck it up and be cordial.  There's nothing worse than getting into it with your spouse's family during a funeral.  Be polite.  Keep your distance.  Respect that they are grieving too.
  • Respect individual needs for space: Some people need more alone time to process grief. Respect your spouse's need for space without taking it personally.  Some people want and need their spouse close to lean on.  Others just need some time alone to think, cry, or just sort through their feelings.  Don't take it personally no matter how your spouse needs to grief.  They still need you, but maybe not how you were expecting.  Just be available.

4. Emotional Support and Understanding:

  • Be present: Simply being present and offering physical comfort, like a hug or holding hands, can be incredibly supportive.  Support doesn't always have to include words.  And in fact, sometimes your spouse may not want any words of comfort.  They may prefer your silent presence.
  • Validate their feelings: Acknowledge and validate your spouse's emotions, even if you don't fully understand them.  Tell them what they're feeling is okay.  Recognize and respect their sadness.  Or even their anger.  Hear whatever their emotion is and validate it.
  • Offer reassurance: Remind your spouse that you love them and that you'll be there for them through this difficult time.  And then make sure to keep that promise.  This is another opportunity to ask them how you can best provide support for them.
  • Be mindful of triggers: Be aware of potential triggers, such as holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, and offer extra support during these times.  In fact, you may even want to note some of those dates on your calendar, so if your spouse seems a little off on those dates, you'll know why and you can remember to be a little extra sensitive to them.
  • Seek professional help if needed: If grief becomes overwhelming or if you notice signs of prolonged depression, don't hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.  This holds true for your spouse, yourself, or your children.

5. Maintaining Your Relationship:

  • Prioritize your relationship: Don't let grief consume your relationship. Make time for each other, even if it's just for a few minutes each day.  It's easy to let the grief take over every moment of every day, but be intentional about not letting it do that.  After a few days or weeks have passed, make sure that you are setting side time for each other, separate from the grief and mourning.  Begin reincorporating some of your daily activities and resume some of  your prior routines.  Getting back to "normal" is important for your relationship.
  • Find moments of joy: It's okay to laugh and find moments of joy, even during grief. It doesn't mean you're disrespecting the deceased.  In fact, it's healthy to keep the happy memories of that person alive.  They'd appreciate you finding and reminiscing the joy of their life.  This also helps your spouse focus on the positive aspects of their memories, instead of focusing entirely on the grief of their loss.
  • Plan small outings: Go for a walk, watch a movie, or do something you both enjoy. This can help you reconnect and find a sense of normalcy.  As much as possible, respect your spouse's timeline, while still working toward incorporating these types of activities.
  • Remember the good times: Share fond memories of your parent-in-law. This can help keep their memory alive and provide comfort.

6. Dealing with Family Dynamics:

  • Be aware of potential conflicts: Grief can sometimes exacerbate existing family tensions. Try to remain neutral and supportive.  Now is not the time to get into difficult or hostile family dynamics.  Your role during this difficult time, may be to help the family keep the peace, at least for the planning and execution of the funeral.  Stay neutral, and keep your distance, if necessary.
  • Respect family traditions: Be respectful of your spouse's family traditions and customs regarding mourning and remembrance.  Your spouse's family may honor and celebrate a family member's passing much differently than your family.  And neither way is right or wrong.  Don't judge how your spouse's family chooses to honor the dead.
  • Communicate with other family members: Maintain open communication with other family members to avoid misunderstandings and ensure everyone feels supported.  For some families, this may take every ounce of your self-control.  But do it.  Your role, again, is to facilitate a smooth celebration of life and funeral, not to perpetuate family feuds.

Losing a parent-in-law is a challenging experience, but by working together, communicating openly, and offering unwavering support, you can navigate this difficult time and strengthen your relationship. Remember to be patient, compassionate, and understanding, and you will emerge from this experience with a deeper bond and a shared sense of resilience.  The main thing you can offer your spouse is your presence and your support in whatever way is needed.


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