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6/8 - Honoring the Quiet Strength of Fathers This Father’s Day

 


Honoring the Quiet Strength of Fathers

 This Father’s Day

For many, Father's Day can stir up a range of emotions - from gratitude, pride, grief, ambivalence, or even anger & resentment - depending on our personal experiences.  For me, Father's Day has never carried a lot of value, because the relationship I've had with my biological father has never been that close.  For me, it was somewhat difficult because my parents got divorced when I was 3 years old, and I lived with my mother, seeing my father, only on occasion.  He was not a person of influence in my life, during my formative years.  Even choosing a Father's Day card for him was hard, because many of them just had too much emotion or sentimentality that I just didn't feel for my father.

But at its heart, Father's Day offers a moment to pause and recognize the men who have shaped, supported, and/or stood beside us in ways both seen and unseen.  And this doesn't just have to be your biological father.  It can be a grandfather, uncle, or other close relative or family friend who has a father-like role in your life.  For me, I honored my grandfather on Father's Day.  He played more of a father role than any other man in my life.

Often, father's carry or who their love in quiet, subtle ways.  It may not always be with words or grand gestures, but in the consistency of showing up, the steadiness of providing for you, or the late nights spent fixing what was broken - whether that be a problem with your car, financial matters, or maybe even a broken heart.  A father's strength is not only in what they carry, but in what they help us carry.  And men are known to be fixers, so a father's strength is also in how they can fix almost anything.  Or at least that how it may have seemed when we were children.

For some, Father's Day is a chance to celebrate a dad who was always present, protective, and kind.  Or maybe was a mentor, teacher, coach, or cheerleader.  For others, it may be a more complicated day - marked by absence, loss, or the longing for a different relationship.  No matter what type of relationship you had or have with your father, please know that your experience is valid.  It's okay to hold both gratitude & grief, celebration and sorry.

For me, my grandpa was someone I always looked up to.  He was friendly, hilariously silly and funny, loved to play practical jokes, and was the kindest person I knew.  He was also honest and full of integrity, and loved God - and his life was a demonstration of these things during the entire part of my life that he was alive.  (Now, I can't speak to what he was like before I was born, but this was my experience during my 34 years with him!)  I remember watching cartoons with him in the afternoons, spending time picking blackberries with him during the summer, and taking naps on the floor with him.  And I remember his goofy sense of humor.  But I also remember the things he taught me, both directly and by example.  My grandpa was essentially my father figure.  Yes, my mother remarried for a period of my childhood, but I never truly considered that person as my father, not like I did my grandpa.

My biological father, on the other hand, was disappointed that I wasn't a boy.  He wanted to share his love of hunting, fishing, and sports with his "son".   Not to mention, I don't think he was truly ready to be a dad.  He hadn't quite sown his wild oats when I came into the picture.  So he came around once in a while, usually with lots of gifts, but not a lot of time.  And when he did spend time, it him trying to fit me into his existing life or activities, such as dragging me to late nights of his men's softball team practice or stuck in the bow of a small fishing boat, all afternoon and late into a cold, wet evening, while he battled "the big one" to show off  his fishing skills.  As I got older, he tried to develop a relationship with me, by giving me guidance about my finances or inviting me over for dinner, but by then, much of the damage was already done.  Later in my adulthood, he even stabbed me in the back, using my ex-husband and children to do so.  It took me years, but I finally realized I had to cut ties, because that was not a healthy relationship for me.

There's no one right way to be a father, and yet the impact of a father's presence - or absence - can echo for generations.  The father figures who step into that role deserve to be recognized for the difference they make in the lives they touch.  And I have had some wonderful male figures in my life, that I have learned from, including my grandpa, my second stepfather, and some fathers of friends of mine growing up.

And even now, I learn a lot about men/fathers from my Father-in-Law and my husband.  They provide me with insight that my mom, as a single mom of a daughter, could never have provided.  And wouldn't you know it, when I had two children of my own, they were both boys.  So I took everything I learned - good and bad - from the fathers in my life, to do my best to teach my children how to be good men.  And, of course, it was a learning experience for me too.  One that I carry even now, into my adulthood.

Regardless of what type of relationship you had with your father, on this Father's Day, consider offering more than a gift to your father or those who played the role of a father in your life.
  • Offer your time and attention.  
  • Ask your dad about his favorite memory from childhood.
  • Thank him for something specific he did that you remember or that made a difference for you.
  • Or, if your father is no longer here, write him a letter, just to put those thoughts and memories to paper.  Share what you wish you could tell him.  

Let this Father's Day be a day not just to celebrate fathers, but to reflect on the ways that fatherhood, in all its forms, shapes us all.  Whether you are a father, have a father, or have stepped into someone's life as a father figure, your presence matters more than you will probably ever know.

So here's to wishing Happy Father's Day to the dad who are trying, the dads who are healing, and the dads who are leaving a legacy of love.

I hope this blog post wasn't too heavy, but I felt like I needed to share.

If you'd like to listen to the Married & Confused Podcast episode about Father's Day, click here.
This podcast episode is a little more light-hearted and playful, as Claudia & I discuss Father's Day gift giving.


If you'd like to see any of my other previous blog posts, please click here.


If you're currently struggling in your relationship with your father and would like some professional help, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122

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