9/14 - (M&C COMPANION) When Money Comes Between Us: Navigating Financial Struggles in Marriage
When Money Comes Between Us:
Navigating Financial Struggles in Marriage
Money. It’s one of the most common—and most emotionally charged—issues couples face. Whether you’re newly married or decades into your relationship, finances have a way of highlighting your deepest values, fears, and assumptions. And if you're not careful, they can also highlight division. Money is one of those things that impacts us deeply and challenges our values, our morals, and our feelings of security.
This blog post helps unpack the role finances play in marriage—where things often go wrong, and how couples can work together to keep money from becoming a wedge between them
Common Financial Pitfalls in Marriage
Financial issues don’t usually come out of nowhere. They build slowly—through overspending, lack of budgeting, lack of communication, lack of accounting, differing money mindsets, or even financial secrets. Here are a few struggles we see most often in couples therapy:
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One partner feels burdened while the other feels controlled.
- This usually shows up when one spouse is naturally better at budgeting, prioritizing, or forecasting finances in the future and the other spouse is a little more loose around spending and doesn't necessary do any budgeting.
- The one who tends to be more frugal or responsible about money feels burdened, in that they feel like they have to over-manage the finances to ensure they have enough to meet their basic needs, while counter-balancing the spending habits of their partner.
- And the one who tends to spend a little more freely, feels like they are being monitored and controlled, despite being an adult and contributing money to the marriage.
- This discrepancy almost always lead to fights and feelings of resentment.
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There’s a lack of clarity or agreement on spending priorities.
- This can happen when the two people in a relationship don't have the same financial priorities, or even general household priorities. One may want to replace their current vehicle and the other may want to do some costly, but necessary home repairs. One may want to spend money on their personal hobby and the other may have some household items they'd like to save up for.
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Income inequality leads to power struggles or resentment.
- We tend to see this come up a lot when the two spouses have significantly different levels of income, yet the one who earns less, seemingly tends to spend more, leading to resentment.
- Or another frequent scenario is when the wife earns significantly more than the husband, it may lead to a power struggle, with the wife, trying to call all the shots financially, instead of sharing the power with her husband.
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Debt becomes a source of shame or secrecy.
- Sometimes, when the spending goes uncontrolled or both partners aren't aware of the spending or financial situation, then the secrecy of debt can create a huge wedge in the relationship. One spouse hides their spending or worse, hides the current financial situation, until it becomes so overwhelming that they can no longer hide...like when the foreclosure notice comes in the mail.
- For others, any sort of debt creates a sense of shame, and with that shame, may come withdrawal from their spouse. Or it creates a feeling of overwhelm and depression, impacting all the others areas of their life, as well.
When couples avoid talking about money, conflict isn’t far behind. While it can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss, it is imperative that couples talk about money BEFORE it becomes a problem. They need to discuss their views and values about income, money, budgeting, debt, spending, etc. and come up with some understandings and agreements before things come to a head.
Talk About Money Before It Becomes a Problem
The best way to avoid financial conflict? Talk early and talk often.
(I feel like I've said this about many topics I've shared in this blog. But that's just how important communication really is!)
If you’re not married yet, now is the time to discuss:
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Existing debts
- It's important for both partners to know exactly what financial situation they're walking into so they can jointly plan together on how to pay off the debt as quickly as possible. I
- It's also important to be aware of all debts, so that it can be factored into the timing of larger, joint purchases, such as vehicles or homes.
- Not to mention, it's never good to enter a marriage with any type of secret, especially ones that can have a significant impact on the relationship or damage trust in any way.
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Credit scores
- Along with jointly planning how to tackle debt, it's important to have an awareness of each other's credit scores. Once married, each other's financial decisions will have an impact on the other person, even if just minimally. You will want to monitor credit score on a regular basis and include in your discussions, ways in which you will manage the paying of debt and/or large purchases, so that credit score can be repaired.
- Credit scores have a significant impact on the types of loans you will qualify for or the interest rate at which you can borrow money. Once married, both partners credit score are taken into account.
- Along with any existing debt, it's important to work toward improving your credit scores as quickly as possible.
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Saving and spending habits
- This topic is easy to overlook in the early days of being in love and starting a life together, but is a topic that almost always comes back to bite couples in the butt a few years later.
- I strongly advise couples to have some serious conversations about this prior to getting married. Minimally, each person needs to be aware of their future spouse's saving or spending habits, so they aren't surprised later, or so they can adjust to accommodate to some extent.
- But even more important would be for a couple to come to some agreements or compromises on how their money will be spent and how they will save for the future or for larger purchases or investments. If there is not agreement, then it is inevitable for this to become a problem in the future. And this is where anger and resentment begin.
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Financial goals
- Some people enter their marriage with financial goals already established and in process. Some haven't ever really thought about financial goals, instead living day to day or paycheck to paycheck.
- Either way, once you've decided to combine two lives together in marriage, it's a good idea to develop some joint financial goals. Things like buying a home, saving for children's college, saving for retirement, or preparing for the death of a spouse are necessary discussions to be had and goals to develop. My mother used to tell me, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." And that holds true here too.
- Start with some small goals and as that gets more comfortable or as incomes increase, have further discussions about expanding your financial goals. It's always a good idea to plan and prepare for the future so it doesn't sneak up on you unprepared.
Whether you’ll have joint or separate accounts
- This is a controversial topic, so I'm not going to delve to far into it here.
- Prior to getting married, this is important to discuss and come to agreement on. The agreements should include, of course, whether or not you are going to have joint or separate accounts, but also, should there be separate accounts, how each person will contribute to the household or joint bills.
- And I encourage couples not to simply discuss this once before they get married and then never revisit it. This will likely need to be an ongoing discussion of sorts, as income & expenses change over time. Finances are never a static topic.
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Expectations about earning, budgeting, and giving
- Also prior to marriage, it is good for each spouse to have an understanding about each other's expectations around earning, budgeting, spending, and even charitable giving.
- Again, this will require some level of agreement, so discussion is necessary. For some couples, the expectation is that the man will be the primary income earner and the wife will be secondary or perhaps even a part time income earner.
- For couples in the Christian faith, tithing may be a non-negotiable financial expectation, or may only be important to one spouse and not the other. Or one may want to tithe on their gross income and the other may want to tithe on the net income. These are the types of discussions that must be had prior to marriage.
These conversations don’t need to be one-time conversations—they should be ongoing and evolving as your lives and/or viewpoints change over time.
What Healthy Financial Communication Looks Like
Couples who thrive financially tend to treat money as a team effort, not a battleground. Here are a few habits that help:
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Hold regular money check-ins. Set aside time (once a week or once a month) to review your budget and goals together. This is also where you can check in on the status of your overall finances, debt reduction, and credit score.
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Be transparent. Avoid keeping purchases or accounts a secret. When financial secrets are kept, it almost always leads to distrust and fights. It often causes one spouse to become suspicious about the other spouses activities, including whether they are being faithful.
- It's best to jointly determine a dollar amount threshold in which there needs to be discussion prior to a purchase. For example, if one spouse is going to spend over $200 on an item (not related to a usual bill), the couple may want to agree to discuss the purchase and/or timing of the purchase first.
- Of course, there are occasionally some exceptions to the secrecy rule, such as the purchase of a birthday or anniversary gift. But these should be infrequent and should involve examination of the overall financial picture first.
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Celebrate wins. Whether it’s paying off a credit card or hitting a savings goal, acknowledge progress. These are significant milestones and should be regarded as such. Don't just overlook your accomplishments - congratulation each other!
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Respect differences. One of you may be a saver, the other a spender—but with compromise, both can feel seen. It is very common that, within a marriage, there is one of each, saver and spender. I think it is almost always destiny for things to work that way. But that doesn't mean either person needs to completely overhaul their personality. Again, discussion and compromise can allow both partners to feel valued and validated.
When the Power Shifts: What If She Makes More?
In some marriages, income differences—especially when the wife earns more—can trigger discomfort or even resentment. This is often tied to cultural or personal beliefs about gender roles and financial identity. The key here is to:
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Talk openly about feelings without assigning blame.
- It may be important for both spouses to talk about their beliefs about gender roles and finances, prior to marriage. Have some frank discussion around how to manage things, if there is a point in which the wife makes more money.
- Some men may struggle with this quite a bit, coming from a cultural belief that the man should be the primary breadwinner. The couple may need some professional help to work through these difficult feelings, so that feelings of depression or inadequacy don't arise.
- And conversely, a woman who is the primary breadwinner may feel taken advantage of if the husband makes financial decisions without her input, or makes financial decisions that unequally provide for his needs and wants and not hers or not the households.
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Reframe value beyond income—every contribution (emotional labor, parenting, homemaking) matters.
- Many marriages are able to make this differential work well. While the wife may earn more financially, the husband may take on other duties around the house, to account for that difference, such as cooking, cleaning, or some parenting tasks.
- Value doesn't only have to be tied to income.
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Maintain shared financial goals and decisions to avoid an imbalance of power.
- No one person in a marriage should be unilaterally making financial decisions. A marriage is a partnership and requires communication and teamwork.
- Financial goals and decisions should be shared by both spouses.
Divorcing Without Financial Destruction
If a marriage ends, financial entanglement doesn’t. Divorce can be devastating emotionally and financially—but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Seek legal and financial guidance, protect your credit, and work toward respectful resolution. The goal is to minimize damage, especially if children are involved.
Because financial entanglement continues even into divorce, it highlights the importance of maintaining good financial status throughout the marriage. By having plans in place and by paying debt down, it hopefully minimizes the financial issues later.
Resentment Grows in Silence
Money resentment often grows when one partner feels their efforts aren’t acknowledged, or when expectations are unmet. If you find yourself silently stewing over spending, debt, or financial stress—it’s time to speak up. Don't let the resentment build until you blow up. Put it all out on the table early and often.
Remember: You’re on the same team. Conflict around money isn’t about the dollars—it’s about communication, trust, and shared values.
Final Thoughts
Financial stress doesn’t have to mean the end of your connection. With intentionality, honesty, and teamwork, money can become a tool that brings you together—not something that drives you apart.
If you'd like to hear the Married & Confused Podcast Episode that also tackles this topic, where my colleague, Claudia Delgado, LCSW, and I discuss this together, please click here.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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