9/28 - Is This Normal? Debunking 5 Marriage Myths and Learning to Embrace Real Love
Is This Normal?
Debunking Marriage Myths
and Embracing Real Love
"Why isn’t our marriage like everyone else’s?”
"Shouldn’t we be happier?”
"Is it normal to feel disconnected sometimes?"
If you’ve ever asked yourself one (or all) of these questions, you're not alone—and the truth is, yes, it probably is normal. The problem isn’t your marriage. The problem might just be the myths we’ve been sold about what marriage is supposed to look like. Since childhood, we are taught that marriages are "happily ever after" and anything less must mean we're a failure. Or we're shown the messy, dramatic break ups and contentious divorces. Rarely does society portray the normal daily ups and downs of marriage.
Today I'm breaking down some of the most common misconceptions couples believe about marriage—and replacing them with the truth that brings freedom, grace, and connection.
Where Do These Marriage Myths Come From?
Marriage myths are everywhere:
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The rom-coms where love conquers all in 90 minutes. You know, the Hallmark movie type.
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Social media posts that only show curated, smiling snapshots. Only hearts and smiles.
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Family or faith traditions that idealize a “perfect” couple. Don't let them see you "sweat".
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Even well-meaning advice from people who leave out the messy parts. People who don't want to scare you away from marriage.
The result? Unrealistic expectations that leave couples feeling confused, inadequate, or isolated when reality doesn’t match the fantasy.
Instead of giving us the truth, everyone seems to want to only show us the rainbows and unicorns of marriage. No one wants to be honest and tell us that real love take work and commitment every single day. In fact, couples that don't have arguments or disagreements are the ones that worry me.
5 Marriage Myths That Cause Real Harm — And the Truth That Sets Us Free
Myth 1. “If we love each other, marriage should be easy.”
The truth: Marriage is never easy 100% of the time. Love doesn't eliminate the need for work. In fact, healthy marriages require consistent effort, honest communication, and mutual sacrifice. Real love can sometimes make the challenges seem a little easier, but marriage always requires work.
Love is the foundation—but real growth happens through challenges.
Myth 2. “We should never go to bed angry.”
The truth: The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger, I don't think it always has a literal translation. I think the real idea is to resolve issues as quickly as possible, and reasonable. And of course it's never a good idea to use the "silent treatment" or avoid issues all together. While it’s great to resolve things quickly, sometimes sleep is actually the best path forward. Being able to have a productive conversation is better than attempting an immediate resolution. People aren't usually at their best when they're tired and late-night arguments often escalate unnecessarily.
Myth 3. “Happy couples are always emotionally and physically connected.”
The truth: Connection ebbs and flows over time. Stress, parenting, work, illness—all of it affects intimacy. Happy couples are the ones who know when and how to give each other space and then communicate with each other later to discuss the issues. The goals should always be restored connection. Good couples prioritize reconnection, even when it takes time or intention.
Myth 4. “If we fight, something’s wrong.”
The truth: All couples argue. In fact, if you never fight, then I contend that something is wrong. What really matters is how you argue. Healthy conflict includes listening, respect, and repair—not winning. If you never fight, then it's likely that someone is not being truthful about their feelings and instead, bottling them up instead.
Myth 5. “If I have doubts, we must not be right for each other.”
The truth: Doubts are normal in long-term relationships. Marriage includes highs and lows—and feeling “off” doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It means you’re human. I believe that all married couples have moments where they question their compatibility and whether or not they've chosen the right partner. That's normal, not always a sign you're not right for each other.
So, What Is Normal in a Healthy Marriage?
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Misunderstandings
- No two people think, feel, and reason the same way, nor do they communicate and understand things the same way. Because of this, misunderstanding are an expected part of a healthy marriage. As long as you can listen and communicate well with each other, to clarify any misunderstandings, then all is good.
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Seasons of disconnection
- We all have seasons of stress which often lead to disconnection from those closest to us. In fact it happens most with the people we feel the most comfortable with. Sometimes due to our own personal reasons, we need to disconnect temporarily. This allows us to "re-boot".
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Needing help (yes—even from a therapist!)
- While many people only seek help when a problem has risen, it's actually a good idea to seek help before it's needed. The two people in a relationship don't know everything, so sometimes it's helpful to receive counsel and guidance from a neutral, outside person.
- Whether your relationship feels great or you feel like you're on the brink of divorce, all marriages can benefit from professional help.
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Growth at different rates
- In some marriages, one partner adopts a personal growth mindset and takes off running, reading self-help books or taking classes. And the other person may not have that same mindset and feel content where they are and how things are going. Each partner grows at their own pace.
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Boredom during routine stretches
- For some couples, their lives are on autopilot. They've settled into a routine, which fosters boredom.
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Rekindling intimacy again and again
- We shouldn't use intimacy as a bargaining tool, in any circumstances. But couples with "healthy" marriages intentionally ensure intimacy with each other.
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Conflict followed by repair
- A healthy marriage, despite conflict, is able to facilitate a repair to the relationship. In fact, it's the concept of repair that differentiates a healthy relationship from the unhealthy.
Normal marriages aren’t perfect. They’re two imperfect people committed to growing, learning, and loving over time.
When “Normal” Becomes Unhealthy
While a lot of struggles are completely normal, some patterns signal it’s time to seek help:
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Ongoing disrespect or contempt - usually the result of some unresolved trauma for one partner.
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Emotional or physical abuse - this may be a learned behavior or may stem from deeper control or personality issues.
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Constant criticism or stonewalling - this is frequently a sign of a narcissistic personality, but can also be the result of low self-esteem.
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Lack of safety, support, or trust - again, this is often due to unresolved issues, especially between the partners. Sometimes it is related to past trauma in previous relationships or childhood.
In these cases, outside support isn’t just helpful—it’s necessary. When you've reached this point, you are no longer able to fix things on your own and professional help is required. But catch it and address it early. Don't put it off, hoping you can fix it or it will fix itself.
Final Thoughts: Let’s Normalize Real Love
Real love isn’t polished. It isn’t filtered. And it certainly isn’t effortless.
Real love takes time, intentionality, and work.
The strongest marriages are the ones built on grace, not perfection. They’re made by couples who choose to stay, grow, and communicate—even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
So if you’re sitting across from your spouse thinking, “Is this normal?”
There’s a good chance it is.
And even if it’s not, you’re not stuck. You’re just beginning the next chapter of learning, loving, and becoming stronger—together. So often it's the challenges we go through together as a couple, that strengthens the relationship.
This blog post is a companion to a recent episode of the Married & Confused Podcast. If you'd like to listen to that episode, click here. Or to listen to any of the previous Married & Confused Podcast episodes, you can click the link at the bottom of the page.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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