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10/5 - What Your Anger Might Be Trying to Tell You & How to Process It In a Healthy Way

 

What Your Anger Might Be Trying to Tell You

and How to Process It In a Healthy Way

We all feel angry at one time or another. Some people stew on their anger and some let it go quickly. Some people act on their anger and some people hold it in. When anger shows up, it can feel like a tidal wave - fast, intense and overwhelming, or it can build over time, like a slow burning fire. And we all know what it feels like when anger shows up. Maybe your chest feels right, your words get sharp, or your face begins to flush. Sometimes anger feel big and loud - like it's demanding all your attention and energy. But here’s the thing: anger usually isn’t the whole story.

Anger Isn't Always Bad

A lot of people think that anger is bad, that it's the real problem. But actually, anger is more like a signal. Therapists often call it a secondary emotion. All that means is that anger usually shows up to cover something else—something softer and harder to admit, like feeling hurt, scared, or rejected. Being angry allows us to feel more powerful, protective, and more in control of yourself.

Think about it:

  • If your partner forgets about something important or dismisses you or your idea in some way, you likely actually feel hurt. Instead of saying, "I feel overlooked", you might lash out in anger.

  • When the future feels uncertain, you may actually feel afraid - but instead of naming the fear, you may become irritable or short-tempered.

  • When someone crosses a boundary, you might feel disrespected or unvalued- but anger steps in because it feels stronger and safer than saying, "That hurt me." Anger demands change and attempts to protect your sense of worth.
We are "programed", so to speak, not to let anyone see that they've hurt us, so we channel that hurt into more "acceptable" emotions, such as anger or irritability or frustration. But even now, we are being told that showing anger is bad, or toxic.

Anger is like the tough bodyguard that stands in front of our most vulnerable feelings. It is the protector.

What Your Anger Might Really Be Saying

Next time you feel that surge of anger, try asking yourself: What’s really underneath this? What are the actually underlying emotions I'm feeling?

Some possibilities could be:

  • "I feel hurt"
    • We often don't want to admit to someone that they hurt us. We don't want to be vulnerable to another person, especially someone who just hurt us. Something touched a tender spot, and your anger is covering up emotional pain. So we lash out in anger. We get indignant because they hurt us.
  • "I feel afraid"
    • We also often don't want others to know we're sacred. Again, it shows our vulnerability. We want people to think we are strong and in control. But if they see we're afraid, they can take advantage of us or hurt us. So, instead, we show anger and don't admit our fear. It makes us appear stronger that we are or than we feel. Anger can mask fear—fear of loss, rejection, or failure.
  • "I feel disrespected"
    • This is a common emotion that strikes the match of anger rather quickly. When we feel like someone isn't treating us like we deserve, we get angry. As human beings, we ascribe a great deal of importance to ourselves. And when other people don't treat us with that same level of importance, we get angry. Anger can signal that your values or boundaries are being violated.

  • "I feel powerless"
    • I think we've all felt this way at some point. When we have no control over a given situation, we feel powerless. And that's a terrible feeling. So we get angry. We get mad when we can't control or influence the things around us. When we feel out of control, anger gives us the illusion of control.
Anger often rises to the surface because it's easier to access than the raw, tender emotions underneath. But once you identify and name the real emotions, you'll often find it's easier to work through the situation without anger taking over.

How to Process Anger in a Healthy Way (Without Fighting It)

Here are a few steps that can help you slow down and actually listen to what your anger is trying to tell you:

    1)    Pause Before Reacting - Notice the physical cues of anger, what’s happening in your body—tight chest,                 clenched jaw, fast heartbeat. Take a breath before saying or doing anything.

    2)    Look Underneath/Name the Primary Emotion (the underlying emotion) - Ask yourself: What am I                 really feeling beneath this anger? Am I hurt? Scared? Embarrassed? Disappointed? Write it down if it                 helps.

    3)    Give Yourself Permission to Feel/Validate the Feeling - It’s okay to feel those softer emotions. They                     don’t make you weak—they make you human. They are normal feelings.

    4)    Express It Safely - Once you're named the underlying emotion, share it in a constructive way: "I felt hurt             when you..." or "I felt anxious because..." This usually invites connection instead of conflict.

    5)    Learn From It - Anger is pointing to something - maybe a need, a boundary, or a wound that needs                         attention. It can highlight where your own needs or boundaries aren't being honored. Pay attention to                 what it's teaching you and consider what steps you can take to protect or heal those areas.

Closing Thought

Anger isn’t your enemy—it’s your messenger. When you pause and listen to what’s underneath, you’ll discover so much about yourself: your needs, your hurts, your fears, and your values. And when you understand that, you can respond with more honesty, compassion, and strength.

Anger itself isn't bad. It's how we demonstrate it that can become the problem. In general, it's always better to identify the real feeling and be honest about it, instead of hiding behind anger. By honoring the message instead of just reacting to the heat of anger, you create space for your own personal growth, healing, and healthier relationships.


If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.


If you're interested in receiving therapy to help you identify your underlying feelings and manage your anger, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122


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