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11/9 - Beyond the Buzz: Understanding the Difference Between Narcissistic Traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 


Beyond the Buzz: 
Understanding the Difference Between Narcissistic Traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

You've probably heard the term "narcissist" commonly and casually thrown around a lot lately.  It has become a very popular buzzword, typically used to describe a person who only talks about themselves, or the person who takes credit for your work, or an ex that seemed really charming at first, but turned out to be extremely self-centered.

But what does the word really mean?  Is being a "narcissist" just a common personality flaw, or is it a serious mental health issue?  The answer comes from understanding the critical difference between narcissistic traits and the clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP).

That gap between the casual label everyone is using and the clinical reality is huge.  And misusing the term can minimize the severity of a genuine, clinical disorder, while at the same time, stigmatizing "normal" everyday behaviors.


1. Narcissistic Traits: The Common Spectrum

Each of us possess and demonstrate some narcissistic traits. They exist on a spectrum, and in moderation, they are a normal and healthy part of having a functioning self-esteem.  You see I said, "in moderation".  It is a balanced sense of self-worth and self-interest that is crucial for healthy psychological functioning and well-being.  Healthy narcissistic traits are distinct from clinical narcissism because they include empathy & respect for others.   

Healthy Traits Include: 

  • Strong Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence: A realistic, humble, yet robust belief in one's own value and capabilities, without the need to devalue others.  A person's self-esteem isn't compared or tied to someone else's self-esteem.
  • Self-Love and Self-Respect: The ability to fully embrace who you are, including both strengths and weaknesses, and to take care of your own well-being.  It may include creating and holding strong boundaries or ensuring that you take time to care for yourself.
  • Healthy Ambition and Goal Orientation: The drive to set realistic goals and the persistence and resilience to pursue them, even in the face of setbacks.  It is recognizing that everything doesn't always go our way, but not being overly discouraged by that, or blaming others for our failures.
  • Assertiveness and Healthy Boundaries: The ability to clearly state your needs, assert your rights, and set firm boundaries without being aggressive or manipulative.  This ties in with the traits of self-love and self-respect.  It's about taking care of yourself, without hurting or running over others.
  • Authentic Pride in Accomplishments: Feeling genuinely, yet humbly proud of your achievements without needing excessive, constant admiration or using them to try to prove you are better than someone else.
  • Emotional Resilience: The capacity to manage life's challenges and criticism effectively, recovering from injury or emotional pains without becoming defensive or falling into despair.  Recognizing that everything is not always going to work out perfectly and learning how to manage within that knowledge.
  • Ability to Empathize and Admire Others: Even while prioritizing their own needs, an individual who displays healthy narcissistic traits can still recognize, respect, and genuinely appreciate the feelings and accomplishments of others.  Their needs don't come at the cost of someone else's needs.
  • Self-Awareness and Responsibility: The ability to take ownership of their own actions and mistakes, and a willingness to make amends if harm is caused, rather than blaming others.  Recognizing that everything doesn't revolve around them and that others aren't always to blame for the negative things that happen.  
In summary, healthy narcissism involves a focus on self-enhancement and self-preservation that is in alignment with the greater good of everyone and allows for mutually respectful, positive relationships with others. 


Unhealthy Traits (The Buzzword Uses): 

The unhealthy traits are often similar to the clinical traits, but at a much lesser level.  They may include a tendency toward vanity, occasional selfishness, a need for attention, or being overly competitive.  

The key with traits is that they are flexible and people who exhibit these traits are usually responsive to feedback. A person with narcissistic traits can still feel genuine empathy for others. If they realize they’ve been self-centered, they can often adjust their behavior and apologize. They are generally still grounded in a shared reality where other people's feelings matter.

The difference is that most people that we label as "narcissistic" don't have behaviors that rise to the level of causing functional impairment in their relationships, work, and other areas of life.

2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): A Pervasive Pattern
NPD is not a personality quirk; it's a recognized, serious mental health condition outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It involves an ingrained and inflexible pattern of behavior that significantly impairs a person’s life, work, and relationships.
A diagnosis is made by a qualified mental health professional when an individual consistently meets five or more specific criteria, which fall into three core characteristics:
Core Characteristics of NPD:
  • Grandiosity/Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance: This is more than just extreme confidence. It is an unfounded, exaggerated belief in one’s own importance, talent, or achievements, often without the actual evidence to back it up. They may genuinely believe they are superior or "special."  They often exaggerate their achievements and talents and then expect to be recognized as superior.
  • An Excessive Need for Admiration: Because their self-esteem is incredibly fragile and externally regulated, they require constant, excessive praise and validation from others to function.  An occasional compliment is not enough and the lack of attention or validation can lead to frustration or anger.
  • A Profound Lack of Empathy: This is perhaps the most defining and damaging trait. People with NPD have an unwillingness or inability to genuinely identify with, value, or sometimes even recognize the needs, feelings, and emotions of others. They often see others as extensions of themselves or objects to meet their needs.  They may also be oblivious to the pain their actions or words inflict, often viewing other people's needs as a sign of weakness.
  • Sense of Entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their demands. They may become angry when people do not cater to them or fall in line with their expectations.
  • Interpersonal Exploitation: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends without guilt or remorse. Relationships are often one-sided, focused purely on what others can do for them or how other people's behaviors and responses affect them.
  • Arrogance and Haughty Behaviors: Behaving in an arrogant or condescending way, often looking down on people they feel are not important or who they perceive as less than them, in some way, or who don't hold the same beliefs or opinions.
Some of the other common traits of NPD are:
  • Hypersensitivity to Criticism: Any perceived slight, disagreement, or criticism is viewed as a personal attack, leading to reactions of rage, anger, or contempt.  It often causes them to shut down or become extremely defensive and blaming.
  • Blame Shifting and Lack of Responsibility: Refusing to take responsibility for mistakes or failures, instead blaming others to maintain their image of perfection.  
  • Manipulation and Gaslighting: Using tactics like insincere flattery, guilt-tripping, lying, or gaslighting (making others doubt their own reality) to control or exploit others.  They may even recreate the narrative of an event or incident to manipulate or gaslight others, as they want to maintain the appearance of superiority.  This is probably one of the most common traits of a narcissist.  And it is also one of the most commonly overused traits that people mention when claiming someone they know is a narcissist.  However, not everyone who manipulates or gaslights is a narcissist.
  • Envy: Often feeling envious of others' successes or believing that others are envious of them.  Sometimes they may even try to "hijack" another person's success and make it about them, or downplay another person's success, because they are unable to tolerate it.
  • Boundary Violations: Disregarding the personal space, property, or rules established by others, assuming a sense of privilege allows them to do so.  They believe that the other person's boundaries or rules are wrong, or stupid, or just don't make sense, so they feel that they don't need to abide by them.
For people who are diagnosed with NPD, these are patterns of behavior that are consistently evident across various areas of their life, and are rigid and maladaptive.  These behaviors make having true, mutual friendships or relationships difficult or impossible to fully develop or maintain


The Impact of Mislabeling
The casual use of "narcissist" as a blanket insult can have negative consequences:
  • It may minimize abuse: People in genuinely harmful, abusive relationships with someone who has NPD may feel their experience is minimized if the label is used to describe an everyday self-absorbed person.  This may cause additional harm, beyond what they are already experiencing in the relationship with the Narcissist.
  • It increases stigma: It makes people less likely to seek professional help due to fear of being labeled with a heavily stigmatized diagnosis.  The term "narcissist"  has come to have such an incredibly negative connotation, that people may choose not to seek help, because they don't want to have the label, for fear they may never outlive it.
  • It blurs the lines: It makes it harder to identify true warning signs of a serious, potentially dangerous personality disorder.
In Summary
If you have a friend who’s a bit self-absorbed, they likely just have a few narcissistic traits. But when you’re dealing with a person whose entire personality is structured around grandiosity, entitlement, and a total disregard for your feelings, you might be looking at NPD.  And sometimes it's hard to tell, especially if you don't interact with the person in multiple different areas of life, such a home, work, and community.
We should strive to use more precise language. If someone is selfish, call them selfish. If someone is vain, call them vain.  But don't over-generalize and label them as a narcissist.
Save "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" for what it truly is: a complex, serious mental health condition that requires the expertise of a professional for diagnosis and treatment.

If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

If you'd like to listen to the Married & Confused Podcast episode that also discusses the differences between Narcissism & narcissistic traits, in a more casual and playful way, click here.

If you feel like you may be in a relationship with a narcissist or you'd like individual or couples counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122
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