11/16 - 7 Tips for Setting Boundaries With In-Laws Without Causing a Family Feud
7 Tips for Setting Boundaries With In-Laws
Without Causing a Family Feud
When you get married, you’re not just saying “yes” to your spouse—you’re also saying "yes" to their entire family. In-laws can bring support, wisdom, encouragement, and love. They can also bring… tension. Especially when expectations aren’t clear or when you and your spouse are still learning how to function as your own family unit.
Developing boundaries with in-laws is one of the most common challenges couples face. Neither person wants to offend their partner or create hostility. But here’s the good news: setting boundaries does not mean creating conflict. In fact, healthy boundaries prevent long-term resentment and protect your marriage. The key is learning to communicate gently, clearly, and consistently.
Let’s talk through how to do that with grace and respect.
1. Start With You and Your Spouse First
Before involving any extended family, you and your spouse need to get on the same page with each other. Boundaries work best when they are developed and agreed upon together—meaning you both understand and support them.
In doing this, it's important to ask each other:
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What makes us feel respected?
- Each partner should be able to express this individually, so that the two of you can discuss it jointly and determine where the shared values are.
- Where there are difference, discuss the how's and why's and seek to come to some type of compromise or understanding.
- What situations with extended family feel tense or uncomfortable?
- By the time you say "I do", most likely you've spent some time with both partner's families. Discuss situations, conversations topics, or, if you have children, discipline practices that made you and/or your partner uncomfortable.
- Discuss why these things make you and/or your partner, uncomfortable. Use Reflective Listening to help you understand each other's perspective.
- Again, seek some type of compromise or understanding.
- What traditions or routines do we want to protect as our own?
- Each partner may have ideas about traditions, routines, or expectations in the relationship. Discuss together and determine which ones are non-negotiable and which ones are more flexible.
Remember: Your marriage is your primary relationship now, and decisions should reflect that.
2. Lead With Honor and Respect
How you communicate boundaries matters just as much as the boundaries themselves.
Instead of:
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“Your mom needs to stop showing up whenever she wants.”
Try:
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“We love when your mom visits. Can we let her know we’d like a heads-up before visits so we can be prepared and present?”
Softening language does not mean watering down your needs. It means delivering them in a way that protects dignity.
3. Use “We” Language
This avoids sounding like one spouse is the problem or the enforcer. Once you got married, you became a team. It's important for people outside the marriage see and understand that you are united.
For example:
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“We won’t be able to travel every holiday.”
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“We’ve decided to spend Christmas morning at home this year.”
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“We are focusing on establishing our own routine with the kids.”
This makes the boundary a team decision, not a blame statement. It also protects your spouse, if there was any point of disagreement.
4. Set the Boundary Once, Then Stay Consistent
Many conflicts happen not because boundaries are set—but because they are wobbly. I'm sure you've probably heard this about raising children - consistency is key. If the in-laws know that the boundary lines are blurry, they will push them harder. It's important to set the tone early and stick with it.
If you say:
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“We are not available on Sundays,”
but then you make an exception every time someone pushes, your in-laws come to know that if they just push, you will give in.
…it communicates that the boundary isn’t real.
It’s okay to be kind and firm at the same time:
“We understand this is different than what you’re used to, but this is what works best for us.”
Consistency builds respect.
5. Expect Some Discomfort (But Don’t Freak Out)
Even in healthy families, changes can feel unfamiliar. It’s normal if someone feels disappointed at first. Disappointment is not the same thing as disrespect. When couples get married, there are a lot of changes all at once, so a change in the overall family dynamics is to be expected. But that doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. It just means there will need to be an adjustment period.
Give it time.
Be patient.
Don’t second-guess yourselves simply because someone feels uncomfortable. This is why tip #1 is so important to start with.
You are learning to function as your own family—not copying someone else’s blueprint.
6. Protect Your Spouse (Do Not Criticize Their Family to Their Face)
This is a big one. No one wants to hear criticism about their family from someone else.
Your spouse may vent about their family at times—but if you speak negatively about them, it often lands much heavier. Instead, stay focused on behaviors and needs—not character. What are the big picture outcomes you (and your spouse) are looking for? Will it really serve any purpose to criticize your in-law's character?
Don't Say:
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“Your dad is so controlling.”
But Instead Say:
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“I feel overwhelmed when decisions are made without us. Can we decide together how to handle that next time?”
It keeps the conversation about the dynamic, not the person.
7. Know When Family Counseling May Help
If boundaries are consistently ignored or disrespected, or emotions run high, involving a neutral third party can be incredibly helpful. A couples counselor or family therapist can support communication and problem-solving in a safe space. They are trained to listen to everyone equally AND to help develop compromises that the family isn't able to come up with on their own, due to the heightened emotions.
You’re not failing if you need help—you’re protecting what matters.
Final Thought
Setting boundaries with in-laws isn’t about pushing people out. It’s about protecting the emotional closeness within your marriage. When boundaries are clear and respectful, relationships become healthier, stronger, and more genuine.
Because when your marriage is supported and secure, everyone benefits—even extended family.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here. If you'd like to read a previous blog post about In-Laws, please go to the same link and search for the blog from 11/19/2023.
If you're interested in receiving couples or family therapy to help you establish, enforce, or maintain family boundaries, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.MustardSeedChristianCounseling.com
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.
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