12/7 - When Texts Test Trust: 5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries with Technology
When Texts Test Trust:
5 Ways to Set Healthy Boundaries with Technology
In today’s world, technology is engrained into almost every part of our lives — including our relationships. We text, share photos, post updates, and send funny memes to our partners throughout the day. These tools can help us stay connected, but they can also create cracks in trust if we’re not careful and intentional about how we use them.
As a therapist offering online couples counseling, I often see how smartphones, social media, and constant access can quietly create tension and trust issues between partners.
The good news? With awareness and healthy boundaries, technology can become road to connection — not conflict.
How Technology Can Undermine Trust
1. The “Always Available” Illusion
When you can reach your partner at any time, it’s easy to expect instant replies.
If a text goes unanswered for too long, you might start wondering, Why haven’t they responded? Who are they with? Or you may get irritated that they aren't available to you at a moment's notice. Before you know it, technology has stirred up unnecessary anxiety and assumptions.
2. Private Conversations in Public Spaces
DMs, social media messages, and disappearing chats can blur boundaries. Even seemingly innocent exchanges can feel like a betrayal if they’re kept secret or if they cross emotional lines. Emotional infidelity often starts subtly — through small, private conversations that should have been transparent.
3. Digital Snooping
Checking or scrolling through your partner’s phone, checking their messages, tracking their social media activity, or tracking their whereabouts on Life360 may bring temporary reassurance — but it actually weakens the foundation of trust. The more you snoop, the more suspicion grows. You begin to create your own stores around what your partner is doing. Trust can’t thrive in an atmosphere of surveillance.
4. Comparison Culture
Social media can quietly disintegrate satisfaction in relationships. Seeing photos, posts, and highlight reels of other couples may cause you to question your own connection: Why don’t we look that happy? Why doesn’t my partner post about me? Are they ashamed of or embarrassed of me, or do they not want anyone to know about me? These comparisons can plant seeds of resentment or insecurity.
Setting Healthy Tech Boundaries
Healthy relationships require a balance of transparency and privacy — and technology can challenge that balance. Here are some ways to create boundaries that protect connection rather than harm it:
1. Talk About Expectations Early and Often
Don’t assume you’re on the same page about texting frequency, social media boundaries, or online friendships. Discuss what feels respectful and what feels uncomfortable.
When a relationship begins getting more serious or you become exclusive, then it's time to have these conversations.
Or if you're already in a long term relationship or you're married, then it's important for both of you to have these discussions as soon as possible, so that you can clear the air and get on the same page, before things go sideways.
For example, you can discuss such things as:
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How do we handle messages from exes or past crushes? Is it okay to stay connected to exs on social media? And if so, are there limitations?
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Do we share passwords, or do we each maintain our own digital privacy? Are you comfortable handing your phone over to your partner at any time?
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How do we communicate when one of us needs space or time away from our phone? When you know you won't be able to respond quickly or at all, for a period of time, decide together how to let each other know AND what to do in case of a real emergency.
2. Practice “Phone-Free” Presence
Set aside regular times where both of you unplug — like during meals, date nights, or before bed. It’s amazing how much more connected you feel when screens aren’t competing for your attention. Over the past few years, I've witnessed this a lot, even out at restaurants. Two people out to dinner together, but both individually looking at their phones. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, we have to able to set aside our phones and actually be present with and for each other. No excuses!
3. Be Transparent, Not Secretive
Privacy is healthy; secrecy is not. You don’t need to show every message you send, but if you find yourself hiding or deleting certain conversations, it’s worth asking yourself why. If you feel like there's something you need to hide, then it's likely that it probably isn't positive or healthy. Transparency builds trust; secrecy chips away at it.
4. Use Technology to Strengthen, Not Substitute, Communication
Texts are great for logistics and encouragement, but they’re not meant for conflict resolution or emotional conversations. If a conversation is emotionally charged or easily misunderstood, wait to talk in person or over a call. Tone, empathy, and connection are hard to read through a text. In fact, I bet you've experienced either sending or receiving a text and assuming or interpreting a particular tone to it, thus causing an argument or misunderstanding. Save serious talks for when you can see and hear the other person.
5. Check Your Heart — and Your Habits
Sometimes technology isn’t the problem; it’s how we use it to cope. Are you scrolling instead of engaging? Messaging others who you know agree with you, just for validation? Avoiding a hard conversation by texting instead of talking? Recognizing these patterns can help you reset with intention.
The Bottom Line
Technology isn’t inherently bad — it’s how we use it (and don't use it!) that makes the difference. When couples intentionally create boundaries around their digital lives, they open the door for deeper connection, honesty, and peace of mind. Trust grows not through constant access, but through mutual respect and clear communication.
Ready to Reconnect — Online and Off?
If you and your partner are struggling with technology-related tension, broken trust, or ongoing miscommunication, couples counseling can help you rebuild a stronger foundation.
At Mustard Seed Christian Counseling, I offer online couples counseling for clients who prefer to meet virtually, including couples counseling in Tennessee and for those on the West Coast, I offer couples counseling in California. Whether you’re sitting side by side or connecting through a screen, you can find the tools and support to restore trust and deepen your relationship.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here and click on the Blog tab.
If you're interested in receiving couples or individual therapy to help you better manage your tech usage, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.
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