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Navigating the Search: 
How to Choose the Right Couples Counselor

Here we are in the beginning of a new year.  Many couples use this natural season of reflection to prioritize their relationship and consider marriage counseling.  If 2025 felt like a "survival year" for your marriage or if you found yourselves asking, "Why are we still like this?", deciding to start therapy is a powerful first step toward a different and better 2026.
However, finding the right therapist is just as important as the decision to go. I tell all my potential marriage counseling clients that counseling only works if they feel comfortable with the therapist.  If you don't feel comfortable, then you aren't going to open up, be vulnerable, or talk about the difficult things.  Like most therapists, I offer a free 15 minute consultation session, so that you can decide for yourself if we are a good match.  I strongly encourage all couples considering marriage counseling, to "shop around" for the right therapist.
Here is how to navigate the search process and choose a professional who can help you thrive.
1. Look for a Licensed Professional.  Bonus Points for a Therapist with Specialized Training or Experience.
Not all therapists are equipped or experienced in handling the unique dynamics of a relationship. While many general counselors offer "marriage counseling," you should prioritize a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) or a professional with specific certifications in evidence-based methods like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). These specialists are trained to see the relationship as the client, rather than just two individuals.
Some LMFT's also have years of experience working with couples and families from diverse backgrounds and that itself often serves a specialization in itself.
2. Schedule a Consultation
Most therapists offer a free 15-minute phone or video consultation. I highly recommend taking advantage of this offer.  In fact, once you've initially narrowed your search down to a few different therapists, schedule a consultation with each one, to determine the best fit.
Use the consultation time to like an interview. This isn't just about the therapist's availability; it’s about their energy and their vibe.  Do you feel comfortable with them, or do they may you uneasy. Pay attention to how they manage the conversation—do they make space for both of you?  Do they encourage questions and then provide thorough answers?  Do they explain what sessions with them will look like?  
But also know that, at the same time, the therapist will be assessing whether they believe their skillset and experience will best meet YOUR needs.  So, even if you feel comfortable with a specific therapist, they may determine that they are not the best match for you and may suggest a few other options.  This is NOT a reflection on you, but simply the therapist's determine that they may not have the skills and/or experience to manage the concerns that you are bringing to the table.
3. Choose Someone Both Partners Feel Comfortable With
For therapy to be effective, there must be a "therapeutic alliance." This is the bond between a therapist and the client, built on trust, mutual respect, empathy, and shared goals.  This alliance should create a safe space for healing and growth. It's a dynamic relationship where all parties feel comfortable working together towards the couple's therapeutic objective.  Basically, there needs to be good rapport between both partners and the therapist.
If one partner feels the counselor is biased or "taking sides," the process will likely stall. It is essential that both you and your partner feel seen, heard, and respected by the counselor.  This may even be a question you bring up with the therapist during your consultation.
I also encourage couples not to make a decision on the spot, even if it feel like the therapist is "pressuring" you to schedule an intake appointment.  I firmly believe that couples should be given the opportunity to discuss this decision privately with each other, before making a decision.  This is even more important if you are participating in multiple consultations with different therapists.
4. Consider Your Faith and Values
Your relationship is built on a foundation of core beliefs. Whether you are looking for a therapist who integrates specific faith-based principles or one who is culturally competent regarding your background, or perhaps just seems to share your general values.  Don't be afraid to ask. You want a counselor who respects your worldview and incorporates it into your healing process.
Therapists are trained to be neutral and unbiased, but I think we all know that everyone has their own set of values and beliefs.  It is important that your therapist does not insert their own values and beliefs into your sessions, unless they align with your values and you have specifically requested that input.  So, for example, if during your consultation, you ask the therapist what their political affiliation is, they may choose to redirect the conversation, because their political stance should not have any bearing on the therapeutic work.  
And similarly, if a therapist does not believe that they will be able to adequately work with you due to their own values and beliefs, then they should acknowledge that up front, suggesting that there ay be other therapists who would be a better match.  For example, if a therapist strongly disagrees with homosexual relationships, they may indicate that they would not be the best match and recommend that you find someone who can better meet your needs.  A good therapist will acknowledge when they do not feel that they are the best match for you.
5. Ask About Their Approach and Expectations
Every counselor has a "style" or therapeutic framework or theory they primarily work from.  Some utilize various evidence based techniques. Some are more passive and let you do all the talking, while others are more "directive" and give you specific homework. Some will ask powerful questions that make you think for yourself.  And others may offer suggestions.
During your consultation or phone inquiry, ask questions like:
  • "What does a typical session with you look like?"
  • "How do you handle high-conflict situations?"
  • "What is our 'homework' likely to be?"
6. Think Practically
Sustainability is key to success. You have to be sure that there aren't barriers that you are overlooking in your hurry to get started.  Check the logistics before you commit:
  • Location: Is the office and/or parking convenient, or do they offer telehealth options for busy schedules?  Is the office conspicuous so that anyone seeing you entering the building will know why you're there?  Or is the signage more subtle?  
  • Privacy:  Whether in person or via telehealth, privacy and confidentiality is important. Ask about how they ensure privacy and confidentiality.  If you plan to participate in therapy via telehealth, can you ensure that you have a private space to use, without interruption? 
  • Cost: Do they take your insurance or are they private pay only.  If they are private pay only, do they provide a "superbill" for out-of-network reimbursement?  Do they offer a sliding scale or consider your financial ability?
  • Consistency: Can they see you at a frequency that matches your needs (e.g., weekly vs. bi-weekly)?  Many therapists will recommend a particular frequency, based on the issues to be addressed and possibly taking into account your financial limitations.  Ideally, therapy begins on a weekly basis until things are well established, rapport is built, and there is some noticeable progress.  Then the therapist may suggest decreasing the frequency to every other week.  As things continue to progress, the frequency may decrease to once a month until you are ready for termination.  
  • It's important to note that progress typically happens quicker when the sessions are more frequent because it is easier to maintain sustained change when the skills and changes are reinforced more often  Otherwise, if too much time elapses between sessions, each session is almost like starting over.  However, ultimately the frequency is determined between the therapist and the client based on a number of factors.
7. Trust Your Instincts
At the end of the day, data and credentials only go so far. If you leave the first session feeling more hopeful or understood, that is a green light. If something feels "off" or the chemistry isn't there, it is okay to keep looking. The right fit is always worth the search.  Trust your gut.
But it's also very important to note a few things:  
First, things may get harder before they get better.  In order to truly do good work and make progress, both partners will have to confront some difficult topics and issues.  This is expected.  If you want to quit the session because things get tough, then you are probably doing good work.  Hang in there!  It's worth it.
Second, the therapist may point out some areas in which you have faulty thinking.  Don't take it personally and give up.  They are trying to change the very patterns that are causing the problems.  Be willing to confront your shortcomings.
And finally, speaking of patterns, some of the negatives patterns in your marriage may take some time to uncover and then time to work through.  But remember, your marriage didn't get into the shape it's in overnight, so don't expect the changes to happen overnight either. Many of the negative patterns in our marriage are engrained in us from childhood, so may take some time  and effort to redirect.
 Pro Tip for 2026: Use the Psychology Today Directory, Google Search Bar, or ChatGPT search to filter by specialty, insurance, location, and any other specific criteria or preference you ay have to build a shortlist of candidates today. Your future self will thank you.

If you and your spouse are struggling, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. With the right therapist, couples can work through their marriage issues together—without losing connection, hope, or love.

If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.  


If you're interested in receiving couples or individual therapy, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com


I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122



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