1/18 - The Relationship Questions Everyone Asks (But Rarely Admits)
The Relationship Questions Everyone Asks
(But Rarely Admits)
In the most episode of the Married & Confused Podcast, hosts Brittanie Mills and Claudia Delgado dig into some of the most common—and most confusing—relationship questions couples ask. These are the issues that don’t always come with clear-cut answers, but they do come with patterns. And understanding those patterns can be incredibly relieving.
Let’s unpack a few of them.
“Why Does My Partner Avoid Everything?”
Avoidance is one of the most misunderstood relationship dynamics. It’s easy to label someone as “emotionally unavailable” or “passive aggressive” or even "checked out", but avoidance is often rarely about one partner not caring and more about not being sure how to engage safely or if they can.
Avoidance commonly shows up as:
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Shutting down during conflict
- One partner may be conflict avoidant and tends to shut down during any difficult conversation or argument. They unconsciously hope that if they don't engage, the conflict will go away. And if they don't engage, they can't say anything that will upset their partner any further. But it leaves the other partner feeling abandoned and like their partner just doesn't care.
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Changing the subject when emotions come up
- Some people just are not comfortable with emotions, or more specifically, they are not comfortable expressing or showing their emotions. Or perhaps they don't feel safe enough in the relationship to express their real emotions
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Staying busy to sidestep hard conversations
- One partner may recognize that a difficult conversation is pending, so they suddenly get involved in other activities that will render them unable or unavailable to have a conversation. They may act like they plan to return to it later, when they're aren't busy, but it is really just an avoidance or stall tactic.
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Saying “I’m fine” when they clearly aren’t
- Many people in relationships say this exact thing. It's usually because they don't feel like bringing up their frustration because they feel like or have experienced that nothing with change or worse yet, their partner will get angry and they will get into a fight. They don't feel safe and they'd rather just avoid it than talk about it.
For many people, avoidance was developed early as a coping mechanism. They may have begun this pattern back in childhood, as a way of avoiding disappointment, anger, or punishment from their parents. Or they may have experienced negative reactions in past relationships, thereby teaching them that expressing their emotions is not safe. If conflict once felt overwhelming, unsafe, or pointless, avoidance became a form of self-protection.
The Key Reframe:
Avoidance isn’t the absence of desire for connection—it’s often fear of doing it wrong. They desperately don't want to upset the other person.
Instead of pushing harder, couples tend to do better when they slow things down. Couples should agree to the following guidelines when needing to discuss serious or difficult matters.
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Lower the emotional intensity. Agree to have calm, rational conversations in which both partners can feel safe. If things do begin to get too intense or heated, then take a time out and come back when both partners are able to calmly attend to the conversation and listen to one another with open ears.
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Be specific instead of global (“This one thing bothered me” vs. “You never listen”) Anytime we generalize, it tends to make the other person defensive because it sounds like you are attacking them as a person. And it doesn't account for the times that they didn't do it the "wrong" way. Also, the more often we can be specific, the better. That way, the other person has something tangible to address and change.
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Create predictable times to talk rather than ambushing each other. I can't recommend this enough. In fact, I've written other blog posts about having a weekly meeting with each other. By scheduling time to talk about things, we can prepare and regulate our internal nervous systems to hear and respond to difficult topics. We can prepare in advance. If couples just willy nilly bring up difficult things, then there's no way to mentally or emotionally prepare, causing the conversation to quickly go sideways.
“Are Boundaries Healthy… or Are We Pushing Each Other Away?”
Boundaries get a bad reputation in relationships. Some people hear “boundary” and think wall, distance, or punishment. Others use boundaries as a way to avoid vulnerability altogether. But boundaries don't have to be so polarizing.
Healthy boundaries aren’t about control or withdrawal—they’re about clarity. Boundaries make each person's position clear.
Boundaries help answer questions like:
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What am I responsible for—and what am I not?
- For couples, this could simply be having a conversation about who is responsible for which household chores or for picking up the kids on what night. This clarifies who does what, so there's no question.
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What do I need in order to stay emotionally regulated?
- Some people know what they need to stay calm or to be able to respond appropriately. They know what they need to stay emotionally regulated and present. Some people may not have figured that out for themselves yet. It's good for each person to know what they need in order to be fully present for conversations. And it's even better if each partner is able to share that with the other partner, so they both can help each other remain emotionally regulated, instead of inadvertently saying to doing things that may trigger or upset the other partner.
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Where do I end and you begin?
- This is a bit of a bigger question. But I tell couples all the time that each person needs to have their own interests, friends, and activities. While it's good for couples to spend time together, it's also very healthy for them to have their own activities to participate in on a regular basis. This helps establish where each person begins and ends. It helps establish an individual identify for each person that helps keep them grounded.
When boundaries are missing, couples often experience resentment, burnout, or emotional flooding. When boundaries are rigid, couples feel disconnected and lonely. So it's important for couples to develop healthy boundaries in their relationship.
Healthy boundaries may sound like:
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“I need a break, but I want to come back and talk about this.”
- I've mentioned this before, but I'll repeat it. It's okay to take a time out when things feel overwhelming. This gives both people the opportunity to calm down, recalibrate their emotions, and rethink about the situation, so that they can approach it with a fresh perspective when they come back together. The important part though, is actually coming back together to finish the discussion. Don't let too much time pass before returning to the conversation.
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“I’m not okay with being spoken to that way.”
- It's okay to let your partner know that you are not comfortable with being talked to in certain ways, such as yelling or the use of profanity. In fact, this is a boundary that should be discussed early on, so that when it comes up during the conversation, it won't be blindsiding.
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“I can support you, but I can’t fix this for you.”
- This is a great boundary because it let's your partner know your limitations. But it conveys empathy and caring, at the same time. I also recommend making this clear at the beginning of a conversation, such as one person saying, "I need to vent a little bit and all I need is for you to listen. I don't need or expect you to fix it." Letting your partner know up front, when is expected of them, goes a long way in having a more positive and productive conversation.
Boundaries protect the relationship—they don’t threaten it. Boundaries are really just about clarity.
“Can I Be Friends With My Ex?”
This question almost always sparks strong opinions—and for good reason. There is no universal right or wrong answer, but there are important factors to consider.
Being friends with an ex can be complicated when:
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There are unresolved feelings
- If there was no real closure or if only one person wanted to end the relationship and the other person still wanted to continue
- If there is still a question about whether or not there are still feelings. Or worse yet, it is known there are still feelings, but the ex doesn't feel the same.
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One partner feels insecure or dismissed
- Frequently, in such examples, there are other dynamics at play that contribute to one partner feeling insecure, undesired, or dismissed. Perhaps one partner compares the other partner to the ex all the time.
- Or if one partner has made it clear that they are uncomfortable with their partner maintaining a friendship with an ex, but their partner disregards their feelings.
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The friendship interferes with emotional intimacy in the current relationship
- Anything or any friendship or relationship that interferes with the emotional intimacy in the current relationship, should be avoided at all costs. And if interaction is unavoidable, then extreme care should be taken to establish strong, clear boundaries.
It becomes less about the ex and more about trust, transparency, and priority. In any event, the both partners needs to be extremely open, honest, and transparent with each other. There should be nothing hidden in a couples relationship.
Helpful questions to ask include:
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Does this friendship strengthen or strain our relationship?
- Ask yourself why you want to maintain a friendship with the ex. What purpose does it serve? If the friendship does not somehow strengthen the couple relationship, then it's likely that it should not be maintained. Anything that could lead to the tearing down of the couple relationship should be avoided.
- If maintaining a relationship with the ex strains the relationship in any way, the desire to continue the friendship is like telling your partner that their needs or the relationship as a whole, is not as important as the friendship. Any friendship that strains a couple relationship is dangerous.
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Am I being fully honest with my partner about the nature of this connection?
- Better yet, am I being fully honest with myself about the nature of this connection? You may be trying to justify the friendship, all while knowing that you may still have some type of feelings for the ex.
- Or perhaps maintaining a friendship makes you feel better about yourself, more desired, beautiful, etc. If that's the only reason to maintain the friendship, then it's not worth it. These are things that need to be addressed in the relationship, so they can be improved, instead of being sought elsewhere from an ex.
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Would I be okay if the roles were reversed?
- This one always gets people. Every time I ask this question, the answer is almost automatically, "Heck no!" So, if you wouldn't be comfortable with it, why should your partner? You may think you have a good or justifiable reason, but if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you respond?
If a current partner feels uneasy, that discomfort should never be minimized—or blindly obeyed. It deserves curiosity, empathy, and an honest conversation. Your commitment is to your current partner, not your ex.
Why These Questions Matter More Than the Answers
What I see again and again in therapy is this: couples aren’t failing because they ask these questions. They struggle when they stop asking them together. I say it all the time, in therapy sessions, in my podcasts, and in this blog - COMMUNICATION is key in every relationship.
Avoidance, boundaries, and relational gray areas often reveal deeper needs:
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Safety
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Reassurance
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Autonomy
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Connection
When couples can slow down and explore why something feels hard—rather than arguing about who’s right—they create space for growth instead of hitting a roadblock.
If you and your partner find it hard to do this on your own, then it's always helpful to seek professional help from a licensed couples therapist.
A Therapist Reminder
Healthy relationships aren’t built by getting everything right. They’re built by staying curious, owning your part, and learning how to repair when things go sideways (because they will). In fact, mistakes often lead to deeper growth and relationships.
If this episode resonated with you, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you’re paying attention.
And paying attention is where real change begins.
If you and your spouse are struggling, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. With the right therapist, couples can work through their marriage issues together—without losing connection, hope, or love.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
If you're interested in receiving couples or individual therapy, please visit my website to schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.
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