2/15 - Valentine's Day Pressure & Expectations Reality Check
Valentine's Day Pressure & Expectations Reality Check
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Feeling disconnected this Valentine’s Day? Learn why intimacy pressure affects couples and how to rebuild emotional and physical connection in your marriage.
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What is Valentine's Day?
When Valentine’s Day Doesn’t Feel Romantic
Valentine’s Day is often portrayed as the most romantic day of the year. I call it a Hallmark Holiday, because it seems like the greeting card & gift industry capitalizes off of Valentine's Day, maybe even more than any other holiday. On Valentine's Day, couples are expected to feel deeply connected, emotionally close, and physically intimate. Social media highlights candlelit dinners, elaborate gifts, and picture-perfect relationships.
But many couples experience something very different. That picture perfect relationship feels more like a distant dream than a possible reality.
Instead of closeness, they feel pressure.
Instead of connection, they feel distance.
Instead of romance, they feel… off.
If you feel disconnected from your spouse around Valentine’s Day, please know that you are not alone. Many marriages experience increased relationship stress during holidays that emphasize romance and intimacy. But really, each couple needs to determine for themselves exactly what they want to expect or do, instead of trying to live up to the hype.
The Pressure Couples Feel Around Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day can unintentionally create unrealistic relationship expectations. Couples may feel pressure to prove their love through expensive gifts, elaborate date nights, or physical intimacy that feels forced instead of natural. It's no wonder couples feel so much pressure!
When intimacy becomes something couples feel obligated to perform, it often reduces emotional closeness rather than strengthening it.
Common thoughts couples experience include:
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“We should feel more romantic than this.”
- For some couples, they feel like the entire day or evening is a production, instead of allowing organic feelings of romance evolve....or not. There are no "rules" around how you should feel on Valentine's Day. It's up to each couple.
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“Other couples seem happier.”
- Come on! We live in the era of social media. We all know that we can't trust everything we see online or in the mainstream media. It has become the norm to create content that portrays what you want others to see. But we all know someone personally who seems so happy with a perfect life, on social media, but you know the truth in reality. Don't judge your relationship on how "other couples" seem.
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“Something must be wrong with our relationship.”
- Again, who decides what's right and what's wrong? It's only wrong if the people in the relationship feel or believe that it's wrong. It's never a good idea to base the value of your relationship on what society says is right and wrong. What's best is for the two people in the relationship to discuss and determine.
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“Why doesn’t this feel special?”
- I can answer that. It probably doesn't feel special because society has put such enormous pressure on what to expect on Valentine's Day, that if we do anything less, then it supposedly isn't "special". Like with everything else, special is what the two of you make it. Or maybe the two of you decide that there really isn't anything special about Valentine's Day and you agree to treat it like any other day. And instead, you opt to make your partner feel special everyday, instead of on one day of the year.
Relationship comparison and unmet expectations are two of the most common causes of emotional disconnection in marriage. True intimacy develops through emotional safety, not pressure or performance.
Why Couples Feel Disconnected (Even When They Love Each Other)
Many married couples deeply love one another but still experience emotional or physical distance. Valentine’s Day often highlights that disconnection. And that's why Valentine's Day can often be more of a destructive holiday instead of one that brings us closer to our partner.
Several normal relationship stressors can impact intimacy, including:
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Work stress and burnout
- This often brings exhaustion or even a feeling of low self-confidence, both of which impact the desire and energy for intimacy.
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Parenting responsibilities
- For couples with children, it's common to identify as "So & So's mom" or "So & So's dad", instead of as individuals. And we begin to internalize that messaging, to the extent that we have a decreased sense of romance and intimacy. Not to mention the exhaustion & lack of energy caused by the demands of parenting.
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Financial strain
- I don't know about you, but when I'm worried about something, especially finances, I find it hard to conjure up feelings of intimacy. My thoughts are focused more on how we're going to pay the bills, feed the family, etc. It's common that the fears of financial strain to impact intimacy.
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Unresolved marital conflict
- It's hard to feel romantic and sexual with someone you are in the middle of a fight with. It's hard to flip the switch from anger to intimacy, without resolution in between. In order to have continuity with your intimacy, it's really important to work toward resolution in your marital conflicts.
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Differences in sexual or emotional needs
- I am sure that many of you have experienced this in your marriage, especially if you've been married for a long time or you are entering middle age or beyond. So often, one partner has a strong sex drive and the other partner has little to none. This makes it hard to have true connection...unless the stars align and both partners are feeling intimate at the same moment. Or for some, they don't feel emotionally safe around their partner, and without feeling that emotional safety, they are also unable to fully be physically intimate.
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Feeling misunderstood or unappreciated
- This happens a lot in relationships...one person feel unappreciated and resentment builds over time. And the bigger the resentment gets, the less likely they are to desire intimacy. Instead, they may just feel angry at their partner. And anger doesn't usually lead to true intimacy.
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Physical or mental health challenges
- These challenges may be a little more difficult to work through, because they often aren't something the partner has any direct control over. If one partner has a physical injury or disability, sometimes intimacy can't happen, or can't happen the way it has in the past, or may not be as enjoyable as it previously was. Communication and adjustments must be made to keep the passion alive. And for those couples where one partner has mental health challenges, such as depression, it is often physically difficult for them to garner enough energy or interest in intimacy. It's not usually a lack of desire to do so, but what feels like an actual inability. For these issues, it's important that the partner who is suffering from these challenges is receiving regular medical or mental health treatment.
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Major life transitions or grief
- Big changes in circumstances wears on us in ways we can't always expect. And grief around the loss of a loved one tears us down beyond belief. During these periods, physical intimacy may need to take a backseat and emotional intimacy may become what is needed for a period of time. Compassion & empathy go a long way.
Let's be clear, most marriages do not struggle because partners stop loving each other. They struggle because daily stress gradually replaces intentional emotional connection. As I've often said in these blogs, in The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast, and to my clients, in order for marriage to be successful, it takes intentionality.
Understanding the Different Types of Intimacy in Marriage
Many couples associate intimacy only sex. However, healthy marriages rely on multiple forms of intimacy that support long-term relationship satisfaction. Intimacy does not just mean sex.
Here are several different types of intimacy that can be experienced in marriage:
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy involves feeling safe sharing fears, vulnerabilities, struggles, and personal experiences without fear of criticism or rejection. This type of intimacy is one of the most common types that are missing in many marriages. Perhaps it was once present, but has eroded or been damaged over time.
Physical Intimacy
Physical closeness, affection, and sexual connection often grow stronger when emotional safety exists first. This shows the real importance of emotional intimacy and how it can have a long term impact on physical intimacy. Physical intimacy is often what comes to mind when we talk about intimacy in marriage, but it's important to understand that it is not the only type of intimacy.
Intellectual Intimacy
Sharing thoughts, ideas, dreams, and meaningful conversations strengthens connection and respect between spouses. And when connection and respect grow, it's natural to feel more of an emotional and physical connection, as well. Have you ever had a meaningful conversation with your partner about something unrelated to intimacy, and then suddenly felt more physically attracted or desirous of your partner? That's because you connected at an intellectual level.
Experiential Intimacy
Spending quality time together and creating shared memories builds bonding and relationship satisfaction. When we experience things together, whether good or bad, it has a way of bringing us closer to each other. This even applies with friends or teammates who experience various situations together. That's why it's important to be intentional about spending time together and enjoying activities together.
Couples who invest in multiple types of intimacy often experience stronger emotional and physical connection over time. Consider how you and your partner might "practice" each of these types of intimacy in your relationship.
How Valentine’s Day Can Trigger Relationship Stress
Relationship holidays, such as Valentine's Day, tend to magnify existing patterns within marriage. When couples already feel connected, Valentine’s Day can feel joyful and meaningful. It can feel like just taking a moment in time to highlight the love and connection in the relationship.
When couples feel distant or unresolved conflict exists, the holiday may intensify those feelings. It may highlight everything that the couple feels is "wrong" with the relationship or even remind them of why they feel unhappy or unsatisfied.
Couples may experience:
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Feeling rejected when expectations are unmet
- Almost everyone has some type of expectation, especially around Valentine's Day, whether we want to or not. But when those expectations are not met, we often feel disappointed or even rejected. This leads us to pull away from our partner, even if unintentionally, decreasing connection and intimacy.
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Anxiety about whether they are “doing enough”
- Again, social media may come into play here, or even listening to the stories of our friends and family. If we don't live up to what society says to expect, then we often worry that we aren't "doing enough". We question if our partner will still love us if we don't shower them with expensive gifts or romantic dinners. And that worry about whether we are "doing enough" turns into worry about whether we ourselves are enough for our partner.
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Resentment about unequal effort in the relationship
- This is one I hear all the time in my therapeutic work with couples. One person inevitably feels like they are putting in much more time, effort, energy, or intention that their partner. This leaves one person feeling like they are carrying the weight of the entire relationship, causing resentment. And resentment is like a slow burning flame...while it may just be an ember now, it can easily turn into a huge inferno that damages the entire relationship. Make sure to check in with each other frequently, to ensure that this doesn't happen to you.
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Grief over lost emotional closeness
- As mentioned previously, emotional closeness is often the glue that holds the entire relationship together and affects all the other types of intimacy. When that emotional closeness diminishes or is lost, one or both partners may feel a sense of grief. Sometimes they are not even fully aware of exactly what they are grieving. When you realize emotional closeness has been compromised, it is crucial to do whatever possible to restore that safety and connection.
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Emotional withdrawal or numbness
- Or maybe you've been emotionally hurt just too many times and in order to protect yourself, you've withdrawn from the relationship. This can be emotional or physical withdrawal. You feel like if you're not invested, then you can't get hurt. And while that may be true to a certain extent, it's not a healthy way to live or a way to have a successful marriage.
These reactions are not signs of a failing marriage. They are often indicators that the relationship needs attention, communication, and intentional reconnection. We don't have to let our marriages fail. Once we recognize the signs of a problem, the best thing to do is work quickly to resolve them. Just like cars needs regular attention and tune-ups, so do marriages. They can't smoothly forever, without some basic maintainance.
The Problem With Silent Relationship Expectations
One of the leading causes of Valentine’s Day disappointment is unspoken expectations. Many spouses hope their partner will automatically know what they need to feel loved. Well let me tell you, your partner is NOT a mind-reader. And the sooner you realize that, the better.
And men in general, they need direct & clear communication. The the funny part about that is that, for some reason, women are wired to feel that if their partner really loves them, then their partner will just "know" what they need or want to feel loved. WRONG!
Healthy relationships are not built on mind-reading. They are built on clear, respectful communication. I feel like communication is one of the things I work on with couples the most. And it's one of the things I talk about the most. Communication is essential in marriage.
Couples can strengthen intimacy by shifting from:
“I wish my partner just knew what I needed.”
to
“I want to share what helps me feel loved and connected.”
Clear communication reduces resentment and increases emotional closeness in marriage.
How Couples Can Rebuild Intimacy and Connection
Instead of treating Valentine’s Day as a relationship test, couples can view it as an opportunity to reconnect emotionally and intentionally. It can be a day of re-connection.
Here are some basic tips to follow to rebuild intimacy & connection, especially around Valentine's Day.
Lower Romantic Pressure
Grand gestures are optional. Consistent emotional connection creates stronger intimacy than occasional elaborate plans. Don't focus on the one day. Show love & care to your partner year round.
Schedule an Emotional Check-In
Schedule regular times to check-in with each other about your marital connection. It's a way to let your partner know they are valued. Ask open-ended questions such as:
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How have you been feeling in our marriage recently?
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What helps you feel loved and appreciated?
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Is there anything we haven’t talked about that feels important?
Practice Emotional Safety
Listen without interrupting or becoming defensive. Feeling heard is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. I encourage you to use the skill of Reflective Listening. I teach this to my clients all the time, as a way to improve communication. I've also written previous blog posts about this very thing, if you want to go back to past posts.
Focus on Small, Meaningful Connection Habits
Healthy intimacy often develops through small, daily relationship investments such as:
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Having distraction-free conversations
- Put your phone down. Turn the tv off. Stop what you're doing and focus on your partner.
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Expressing gratitude or appreciation
- This goes a long way! Let's face it, everyone like to feel appreciated. And honestly, we especially like to know our partner appreciates us, for the big AND the small things we do.
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Spending intentional quality time together
- This is another thing I find myself constantly advising couples to do. How can you expect to maintain a healthy relationship if you never spend quality time with each other, on purpose.
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Sharing laughter and positive memories
- When was the last time you laughed with your spouse? I mean really laughed. Have fun together. Make memories. Laughter really is the best medicine. And you'll find that it draws you closer together.
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Supporting each other during stressful seasons
- I know that my husband is the one person I depend on to support me when I am experiencing a stressful season. And I know that when he does, it draws me closer. I feel more emotional intimacy and it then results in me feeling more physical intimacy. Your partner is the person who you should always feel you can rely on.
When Feeling Disconnected Is Actually a Relationship Growth Opportunity
Emotional distance can feel discouraging, but it often signals that the marriage needs intentional care and attention. Many couples strengthen their relationship when they address disconnection rather than avoid it. Sometimes we have to go through the hard stuff, to get to the good stuff. I've found this to be true time and time again in my therapeutic work with couples.
Relationship challenges can create opportunities to:
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Improve communication skills
- Learn and practice new skills. Or pull those dusty skills you learned in the past, back out of the toolbox and use them.
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Repair unresolved emotional wounds
- Sometimes you just need to fix what's broken, instead of just repeatedly putting a band-aid on it. Then it doesn't hang over your head all the time.
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Rebuild trust and emotional safety
- This one can be hard and can take some time and intentional effort. It looks different for each relationship. But if both people are committed to it, the end results are life-changing.
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Strengthen partnership and teamwork
- Use the challenges you're going through to help strengthen the weak areas. Lean on each other.
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Rediscover shared values and goals
- You can also use relationship challenges as an opportunity to discuss your values and develop shared goals. Maybe you've done this before, but it never hurts to refresh them.
Strong marriages are not conflict-free. In fact, sometimes I worry more about couples who say they never fight. Conflict is inevitable. But it's how the couple deals with conflict that matters. Strong marriages are relationships where couples learn to navigate challenges together.
When Marriage Counseling Can Help Rebuild Intimacy
If you and your spouse feel stuck in recurring conflict, emotional distance, or communication breakdowns, marriage/couples counseling can help you rebuild connection in a structured, supportive environment.
Couples therapy can help partners:
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Improve communication and conflict resolution
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Rebuild trust and emotional safety
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Strengthen emotional and physical intimacy
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Develop healthier relationship patterns
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Navigate life transitions and stress together
You Are Not Alone in Feeling This Way
If Valentine’s Day feels complicated, disappointing, or emotionally tender, it does not mean your relationship is broken. Many couples experience seasons where connection requires intentional effort and support. Not to mention, relationships should always have a component of intentionality to them.
Healthy relationships are built through authenticity, vulnerability, and consistent commitment to growth.
About Mustard Seed Christian Counseling
Mustard Seed Christian Counseling provides Christian-based marriage counseling for couples struggling with communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy challenges. And if you aren't interested in faith-based counseling, I can provide that as well.
Services are available for couples located in Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.
If you are ready to strengthen your marriage and rebuild connection, you can learn more or schedule a free consultation at:
👉 www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com
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