2/8 - The Empty Nest - Now What? Navigating the Empty Nest Season Together
The Empty Nest—Now What?
Navigating the Empty Nest Season Together
The empty nest can arrive quietly—or all at once. One day your home is full of schedules, noise, and constant demands. The next, it’s quieter than you expected. In the recent episode of The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast, we talked honestly about what happens to a marriage when the parenting season shifts and couples are left asking, “Now what?”
Whether you’re grieving this transition, feeling relief mixed with guilt, or realizing you and your spouse have grown apart, you’re not alone. The empty nest is a major marriage transition—and it deserves care, attention, and intentionality.
Why the Empty Nest Impacts Marriage
For many couples, parenting became the center of life, around which everything revolved and was organized. When that parenting role changes or disappears, it can expose:
Emotional distance between husband and wife, that’s been ignored, sometimes for years. Now it feels like it's the center of attention with all eyes on what will happen next.
Different grieving timelines between spouses. Some spouses have been counting down the days until their youngest child leaves the nest, ready to get back to privacy and your own life. Other spouses experience significant depression, as the raising of their children was the one thing that kept them going.
Identity loss (especially for the primary caregiver). For so many years, the primary caregiver, often the mother, has been known or referred to as, "so & so's mom", to the point that they have almost forgotten who they are as their own person. Losing that primary identity sometimes leaves one parent feeling lost or invisible, or maybe even unimportant. And for the other parent, often the father, they may now lose the identity of "coach", or other identity they had as a result of being a parent.
- This is a perfect time to remind each other of who you each are, as individuals. Make it a point to remind your spouse of their strengths and achievements. Remind them of the person they used to be, before children and lovingly invite them to find that person again.
Fear about aging, purpose, or the future. And for many parents, when their youngest child leaves the nest, it raises questions they may not yet be ready to face, such as, "Now what?" What purpose does my life have now? What am I supposed to do with my time? Or it may cause them to overly focus on their own aging, asking themselves where the time went and why their hair is so grey now. And for many, it leaves a big gaping question of what's next.
- And during this time, when you're questioning what's next, it's a perfect time to connect with your partner around deciding together what is next. Don't let it be a pity party, feelings sorry for yourself since your children no longer need all your attention. Instead, talk and plan together about how to use the free time you find yourself with.
But it's important to remember that none of these feelings mean your marriage is failing. They mean you’re human—and in transition. Empty Next is a huge transition point in a marriage. And it is often the most difficult and takes the most effort.
Common Challenges Couples Face
1. Grieving Differently
One spouse may feel deep sadness while the other feels relief or excitement. These differences can cause misunderstanding if not named with compassion.
- When the manner of grieving doesn't line up with each other, it may be hard for a couple to stay connected, because they find it hard to relate to their spouse. This will require intentionality and empathy. This is where it's important to show how much you care for your spouse, even if you don't fully understand their feelings or their grieving timeline.
2. Feeling Like Strangers
Without the buffer of kids and routines, couples often realize they haven’t invested in their relationship in years. This is one of the most common things I hear when counseling couples. They report that they feel like they hardly know each other or that they're married to a stranger. And that's why, it's important to invest time and energy into maintaining a strong partnership and relationship, even during the years that the children are home. It helps so that you don't get to this point when the children leave.
- So, instead of being afraid or choosing to give up, be intentional about getting to know each other again. Court each other, like you did years ago. Learn about each other's interests. Try new foods and activities together. Basically, fall in love all over. You are both very different people now, but it doesn't mean you don't belong together. It just means starting fresh.
3. Pressure to “Fix It Fast”
Some couples panic and try to force closeness, while others avoid the discomfort altogether. Neither approach creates lasting connection. Neither extreme is a healthy way to approach this stage of marriage. It didn't happen overnight and you won't be able to fix it overnight either.
- Take small steps to get reacquainted. Perhaps go on some casual dates. Talk with each other. As things get more comfortable, you can expand on what you talk about. There's no right or wrong as to how quickly you reconnect. But as long as you both have that as the goal, then you can get there.
How to Rebuild Connection in This Season
Start With Curiosity
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with us?” try:
“How has this transition been for you?”
- And don't ask in passing. Take time to sit down and talk with each other about how this season of life is impacting you. You might find out some surprising things about each other AND learn how to better comfort each o ther.
“What are you missing most right now?”
- Maybe if you share with each other what you're missing the most, you can help each other either re-create it between the two of you OR find other things to replace what you're missing.
- It may also be important to find ways to honor those missing parts or celebrate them together.
Normalize the Awkwardness
Reconnecting can feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean it’s not working—it means you’re stretching. You remember back when you were first dating....that was awkward too. But look at you now! All new stages of life are likely to be awkward, but commit to the process and grow together.
Create New Shared Meaning
This season invites you to redefine your marriage:
New routines
- Develop new routines based on the household changes and needs. This could range anywhere from who will do the chores the children were doing to how you're going to spend the newly found free time.
Shared goals
- For so long your primary shared goal was to successfully launch your children into adulthood. And now you're finally there. Congratulations! You completed one of your goals.
- Now take a look at any other goals the two of you shared together and determine where you stand in the process of completion OR whether or not those goals are still the same. If so, decide together how you're going to move forward in accomplishing those goals. If not, then mark them off the list and move on.
- Take a look at your future and what you'd like to do or accomplish together and make new goals. This stage of life is like a new beginning.
Rediscovering friendship and intimacy
- For a long time now, you've probably been more roommates than partners. Shuffling between work and children's activities, barely having time for each other. But now's the time to re-establish or re-vitalize your friendship. Have fun getting to know each other again. Get to know the new version of each other. I can guarantee that neither of you are the same person you were when you first got married.
A Gentle Encouragement
The empty nest isn’t the end of your story—it’s an invitation. An invitation to grieve what was, honor what is, and intentionally build what’s next. This is the chance to build the rest of your life however you'd like. Make it count!
Listen to the Episode
🎧 Episode 54: The Empty Nest—Now What?
Available now on The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast
If this topic hits home for you right now, I invite you to listen to episode #54 of The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast. It can be found by clicking the Podcast tab on the website at www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com or on Podbean here.
Prior Blog on Empty Nest
Want Extra Support?
Download the Empty Nest Reset Guide—a printable resource designed to help you and your spouse reflect, reconnect, and move forward together during this transition.
If you're in the Empty Nest stage of life and need help getting through, Mustard Seed Christian Counseling is here to help.
I offer virtual Christian-based couples counseling in Tennessee, California, South Carolina, and Florida.
📍 Learn more or schedule a free 15 minute consultation at www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com
📧 Contact: bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts about relationships, please click here and click on the Blog tab.
Website - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com
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