3/15 - Why We Do the Things We Do: Understanding Some of Our Most Puzzling Behaviors
Why We Do the Things We Do:
Understanding Some of Our Most Puzzling Behaviors
Have you ever caught yourself doing something and wondered, Why am I like this? Why do I do this?
Why do we sometimes obsess over past relationships that we know weren’t good for us? Why do we procrastinate tasks that would only take a couple of minutes? Why does our brain decide that 2:00 a.m. is the perfect time to replay an embarrassing moment from ten years ago?
Human behavior can feel confusing—even to the people experiencing it. But in reality, our behaviors aren’t really as random as they seem. They are connected to emotional needs, survival instincts, and the way our brains are wired. Who knew?
Understanding the why behind our behaviors can help us respond to ourselves with more compassion—and sometimes make better choices moving forward. I am a fan of self-evaluation so that I can be a lifelong learner AND someone who is able to grow from my past experiences.
If you listened to yesterday’s episode of the Married & Confused Podcast, these scenarios will be familiar. But in this blog post, I break it down a little further. Let’s take a closer look at some of the common things people do and the psychology behind them.
Why We Obsess Over Exes…Often Long After the Relationship Has Ended
Many people feel frustrated with themselves for thinking about an ex long after a relationship has ended. They might say things like, “I know the relationship wasn’t right, so why can’t I stop thinking about them?” Or maybe they didn’t want the relationship to end, so they never fully got that person out of their mind. Or maybe they find themselves comparing their current relationship to their past relationships - good & bad.
Part of the answer lies in how our brains process attachment and reward.
Romantic relationships activate the brain’s reward system. The same neurological pathways involved in bonding and pleasure become linked to that specific person. When the relationship ends, the brain can experience something similar to withdrawal. You see there is an attachment, a connection. And with any type of withdrawal, our minds (and our hearts) try to recreate that same feeling. And sometimes, when we experience pleasure in other areas, it reminds us of our ex.
There’s also the issue of unfinished emotional business. If a relationship ended abruptly, without closure, or against our wishes, our mind tends to revisit it repeatedly. We feel like we need to try to “fix” it. Our brains are wired to try to “solve” emotional puzzles, even if the solution never comes. Often the solution never comes, but it does give us plenty of information we can utilize in future relationships.
Sometimes we’re not even missing the person—we’re missing the version of the future we imagined with them. In fact, this is often the case. I hear this a lot in my work with clients. They realize that the person wasn’t a good fit for them, and often they were even the one who broke it off, but they had created an entire picture of their future and they have to grieve the loss of “what could have been”.
Why We Procrastinate Things That Only Take a Few Minutes
One of the most frustrating forms of procrastination is avoiding tasks that would take almost no time to complete. We know that the task will be quick, fairly easy, and painless, yet for some reason we procrastinate.
You know the ones:
Responding to an email
Scheduling an appointment
Putting away a small pile of laundry (I am SO guilty of this one, for no good reason except that I hate folding laundry!)
It would just be so much easier to just do the task. There isn’t a logical reason NOT to do it, yet many people put it off for hours, days or even indefinitely.
Procrastination usually isn’t about laziness. It’s about emotional avoidance. Sometimes we unconsciously choose not to do things because there may be an emotional reason.
Even small tasks can trigger feelings like:
Overwhelm - one small task may lead to another or to a bigger task that you’re putting off, or it could be that this one small thing is the figurative “straw that broke the camel’s back”. It’s the one thing that may finally put you over the edge. Sometimes we feel like we just don't have the emotional or mental bandwidth to do that one thing.
Decision Fatigue - maybe you’ve been having to make a lot of decisions lately and you’re tired or just unable to keep it up. Or maybe your job requires you to make big decisions all day long and by the time you get to your lunch break or get home from work, the last thing you want to do is make another decision. So you put it off. You just want a break from thinking, deciding, or just being "on".
Fear of Doing Something Wrong - how many of you have opted not to do a simple task because you were afraid you'd do it wrong and mess something up or have someone scold you. When you feel like that, the easiest choice IS just to not do it at all. So often we allow fear to control our actions.
Pressure to Perform Perfectly - When someone feels intense pressure to do something perfectly, the task stops being just a task. It becomes a test of competence, intelligence, or worth. Now the brain isn’t just facing a small mundane task—it’s facing the possibility of embarrassment, criticism, or failure. That is the emotional pressure our brains are trying to avoid. Our brains are wired to move away from discomfort. When a task becomes associated with anxiety or self-doubt, avoidance becomes a quick way to relieve that emotional tension. In that moment, procrastination works. So instead of starting the task, the brain finds something else to do. It provides temporary emotional relief.
In many cases, procrastination is simply the brain choosing short-term emotional comfort over long-term productivity.
Why We Replay Embarrassing Moments at 2 A.M.
If your brain has ever suddenly replayed an awkward moment from years ago while you’re trying to fall asleep, you’re not alone. This happens to people everywhere and I've heard about it many times in my counseling work with clients.
This happens because when the world around us finally gets quiet and things slow down, our mental filters relax. It's similar to being on a long, strenuous hike and your adrenaline keeps you going, but when you get home and finally sit down to relax, you realize how much your muscles hurt. When we stop and slow down, all the mental, emotional, or physical filters relax and the floodgates open.
During the day, our brain is busy processing information, completing tasks, and interacting with others. We keep ourselves and our minds busy. At night, when we finally slow down and relax, those distractions disappear, the brain sometimes turns inward and begins reviewing past experiences. It is on auto-pilot of trying to keep itself busy. It doesn't realize that it's time to slow down.
Embarrassing memories often stick because they are tied to strong emotional reactions, particularly shame or social anxiety. As humas, we are very sensitive to social mistakes - mistakes that other observe. Back in early society, our survival once depended on belonging to a group. We lived and operated in families & communities. Remembering moments where we felt rejected or embarrassed is the brain's way of helping us prevent ourselves from making those same mistakes. The problem is that the brain doesn’t always realize when the memory is no longer useful.
Why Revenge Feels Satisfying (Even Though It Rarely Helps)
Most people understand that revenge doesn’t usually fix a situation. Yet many still experience a strong desire for it after being hurt. In reality, sometimes it just feels good to make someone else feel hurt or embarrassed, just like you did.
That urge comes from a deep psychological need for justice and restored balance. When someone hurts us, our brain interprets it as a violation of fairness. We feel wronged. Getting revenge gives us the illusion that the scales have been balanced again. We feel that "all is right with the world".
Interestingly, however, research has shown that imagining revenge can activate the brain’s reward centers, producing a temporary feeling of satisfaction. So, instead of actually do the thing that would be revenge, just imagining it can have the same effect.
The catch is that the "good" feeling we get, rarely lasts. In many cases, acting on revenge actually keeps us emotionally tied to the person who hurt us, prolonging anger and resentment. The best thing is to find a way to forget it and move on. And that may be where the imagining of the revenge can serve a positive purpose. If you imagine it, then you can feel a sense of justice and resolution, thus not prolonging your anger or hurt.
Real healing tends to come not from retaliation, but from letting go of the emotional grip the situation has on us. I always tell my clients that certain things are just not worth the emotional energy we often give it. So it's best to work through it and let it go. Don't give that negatively any more time and space n your life.
Why People Lie About Small, Unimportant Things
Most people think of lying as something people do to cover up big mistakes. But in reality, people often lie about small, seemingly insignificant things. We call these "little white lies".
Some examples might include:
Exaggerating a Story - human nature is that we want to be thought highly of, praised, or to feel good about ourselves. By exaggerating an existing story, we are able to expand on some details to ensure that we get the positive reaction we are looking for, or the attention we desire.
Saying They’re “Almost There” When They Haven’t Left Yet - again, we don't want people think poorly of us or judge us for our behaviors, such as being late, so we tell a small lie in hopes of preventing those thoughts from forming. But instead, if done too many times, we create an expectation. People no longer take us at our word, because they've been "lied" to, too many times. Just be honest.
Pretending They’ve Seen a Movie They’ve Never Watched - human being have an innate desire to be liked and accepted, to fit in. If we admit that we can't related to what everyone else is talking about, we might get left out. It's really based on FOMO - fear of missing out. So, if we can fake it enough that no one knows, we are included, which makes us feel good.
These small lies are usually about social protection rather than deception.
People may lie to:
Avoid Awkwardness - This often seems like an inconsequential statement, to ward off an uncomfortable situation. We do it to protect ourselves and avoid embarrassment or avoid others knowing too much about us.
Protect Their Image - Sometimes the truth hurts. But instead of being honest with ourselves and with others, we tell or perpetuate small lies that make us look good or maintain our reputation. We let other believe certain things about us, as a way to protect the image we've created.
Spare Someone Else’s Feelings - A good example of this is telling someone they look nice, when in reality, maybe their clothes don't fit well or that color doesn't look good on them. But we choose to be less than honest, in and effort to spare their feelings. We determine that protecting someone's feelings is more important or preferable to being fully honest. Or we assume that it isn't the time or place to be brutally honest.
Fit in Socially - Again, human nature generally makes us want to fit in with those around us. So sometimes we tell small lies or omit certain truths, in order to seem like we are similar to others. We may say we like certain restaurants or tv shows, just to fit it. Again, a little bit of FOMO.
In other words, many minor lies are less about manipulation and more about managing social interactions. That doesn’t mean they’re always healthy—but they’re often rooted in the desire to maintain connection.
Why People Say They Hate Drama—but Still Get Pulled Into It
Almost everyone claims to dislike drama. Yet many people find themselves repeatedly drawn into dramatic situations. I think most people don't want to be part of the drama, but have that morbid curiosity about the drama.
Part of this comes down to emotional stimulation. Drama taps into our heightened emotional states—anger, excitement, outrage, curiosity. These emotions can be energizing, and our brains are naturally drawn to emotionally intense situations. It feeds the need for excitement somehow.
There’s also a social component. Drama often creates a sense of shared experience. Talking about conflict or conflict between others can temporarily bond people together. We hear about this often when traumatic events have happened in public, such as accidents or natural disasters. It's easy to get involved in that type of drama, when it's a shared experience.
The challenge is that constant exposure to drama can increase stress, damage relationships, and drain emotional energy. Being involved in drama on a constant basis can cause our cortisol levels to remain high for long periods of time, which take a direct physical toll on our bodies. (Cortisol is the stress hormone.) And being in a constant state of drama or arousal can be very exhausting. Our bodies are not meant to be in fight or flight mode all the time. We are designed to respond to danger on a temporary basis, to get through safely, but then our bodies need time to relax and restore.
Learning to recognize when we’re being pulled into unnecessary conflict is an important step toward building healthier relational patterns. Healthy relationships aren't based solely on drama.
Understanding Behavior Creates Compassion
When we start looking at behavior through a psychological lens, something important happens: we begin to replace judgment with curiosity. And curiosity is always the best response to the unknown. Instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions, curiosity allows us to ask clarifying questions to help us better understand our circumstances.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we start asking, "What's happened to me?" or “What’s driving this behavior?”
That change in focus really matters. Asking "What's wrong with me?" starts out with a negative belief about ourselves. It assumes and asserts that there is something wrong with us. When in fact, much of our behavior is a result of things that have happened to us.
The truth is, most of the things we do—even the things that confuse or frustrate us—have underlying emotional or neurological explanations.
And when we understand the reasons behind our behaviors, we gain something powerful: the ability to change them.
Self-awareness doesn’t instantly fix every habit or pattern. But it gives us insight, and insight is often the first step toward growth. I find myself frequently telling my clients that awareness is the biggest hurdle we face in making change. If we don't know, we can't change.
After all, when we understand why we do the things we do, we’re better equipped to decide what we want or need to do differently moving forward.
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If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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