7/19 - You Don't Want Them, You Want the Feeling
You Don't Want Them—You Want the Feeling
Have you ever found yourself wondering about someone from your past and thinking, What if?
Maybe it was an old boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe it was someone you almost dated. Maybe it's the person you occasionally look up on social media when curiosity gets the better of you. You find yourself wondering what they are up to. Or asking yourself, what happened after we broke up. You may secretly hope that they aren't doing too well, so you can say that they never recovered from breaking up with you. Or you are afraid you'll see that they are doing really well, and wish that it could have been you.
No matter what you're feeling, for a brief moment, those thoughts and feelings are exciting. Familiar. Comforting. Sometimes scary.
But here's the question worth asking:
Do you actually miss that person...or do you miss the way they made you feel?
The answer is often surprising.
We Don't Usually Miss People as Much as We Miss Experiences
Our brains are incredible storytellers.
Over time, memories become bright & shiny. We tend to remember the highlights while minimizing the painful parts. That's the way our brain protects our heart. We remember butterflies, laughter, long conversations, and exciting firsts. We conveniently forget the arguments, incompatibilities, disappointments, and reasons the relationship ended.
In psychology, this is sometimes call this rosy retrospection—our tendency to remember the past as better than it actually was.
What we're longing for often isn't the person.
It's the feeling.
- Feeling desired.
- Feeling exciting.
- Feeling adventurous.
- Feeling pursued.
- Feeling understood.
- Feeling carefree.
- Feeling young.
Those emotional experiences become attached to a particular person, even though they weren't created by that person alone. Our minds tie feelings to events. And we tie events to the people we were with when they happened.
Feelings Aren't the Same as Compatibility
One of the biggest relationship myths is that intense chemistry equals lasting compatibility.
It doesn't. Chemistry is great and it's definitely a helpful aspect to any relationship, but it doesn't predict long term compatibility. Feelings aren't facts.
The early stages of attraction are fueled by novelty, uncertainty, anticipation, and a flood of brain chemicals like dopamine and norepinephrine. Those feelings are real—but they're temporary. A relationship cannot survive on these feelings and chemicals forever.
Healthy long-term relationships gradually shift toward something different:
- Security instead of uncertainty. While the unknown is exciting at first, we thrive of familiarity because familiarity breeds security. And ultimately, we all want to feel safe and secure.
- Trust instead of guessing. The initial fun of anticipation is fun in the beginning. It keeps us coming back for more. But long term, we need to know we can trust our partner.
- Comfort instead of constant excitement. Hey excitement is fun, no doubt! But our minds and bodies rely on comfort, with occasional pockets of excitement. We literally cannot survive on a constant level of arousal. Our bodies are not designed to have sustained arousal and excitement. Heck, even the little blue pill tells you to see medical help if the erection last longer than a few hours. That should tell you something.
- Commitment instead of emotional highs. No one likes to feel like they're on an emotional roller coaster. It is very draining and causes anger and resentment. We are designed for commitment. Strong, steady, reliable.
Unfortunately, some people mistake that stability for boredom. If they can't have the excitement of the unknown, the anticipation of guessing, the constant arousal and excitement, and emotional highs, they start looking for something or someone new. Some people are always chasing the next high, so to speak. Then they begin searching for another dopamine hit instead of investing in the relationship they already have.
Nostalgia Can Be Misleading
When life feels stressful, routine, or emotionally difficult, our minds naturally look backward.
We imagine that an old relationship would have solved today's problems. We think things would have been better...different.
But that's usually fantasy—not reality. Whatever caused that relationship to fail would likely have still occurred.
Think about it this way:
If you only watch the highlight reel of your life, you'll eventually convince yourself that the past was perfect.
But we all know the truth, deep down. It wasn't. There were plenty of difficulties.
Every relationship has challenges. Every person has flaws.
Every season of life carries stress. The stress just changes over time. Just like the leaves on the trees change with the seasons.
Nostalgia edits out the difficult scenes. Nostalgia is a replay of the good stuff.
Sometimes You're Chasing a Past Version of Yourself
Here's something many people don't realize or don't think about:
Sometimes you don't miss the other person. Sometimes you miss who you were during that season.
Maybe you were:
- More carefree.
- More spontaneous.
- More social.
- More hopeful.
- Less burdened by responsibility.
It's easy to assume another person created those feelings.
But often, they were simply present during that chapter of your life. But life circumstances change us slowly over time. We will never be that person we were 5 or even 10 years ago. That person has evolved.
The real longing isn't for that person we thought created those feelings.
The longing is for the version of yourself that existed back then.
That's encouraging, because it means those qualities can often be rediscovered without returning to an old relationship. While we may never be that exact same person, we can recover some of those parts of ourselves.
If You're Married, Pay Attention to What You're Really Missing
If thoughts about someone else keep resurfacing, don't panic—but don't ignore them either.
Instead of asking:
"Why can't I stop thinking about this person?"
Ask:
- What feeling am I actually craving?
- When did I stop experiencing that in my current relationship?
- Have I communicated those needs to my spouse?
- Is this about another person—or about something missing in my own life?
Maybe you aren't missing your ex.
Maybe you're missing laughter.
Adventure.
Activities.
Affection.
Being pursued.
Feeling appreciated.
Those are conversations worth having with your partner. Instead of wondering "what if" about a past relationship, be curious and ask, "what if" in your marriage.
What if...you communicated what you're missing?
What if...you find or do things to laugh about?
What if...you plan some adventures with your partner?
What if...you choose some new activities to do together?
What if...you start showing your partner more affection or affection in different ways?
What if...you started pursuing your partner?
What if...you started appreciating your partner?
Novelty Can Be Recreated
One reason new relationships feel exciting is because everything is...new.
New conversations.
New experiences.
New stories.
New restaurants or food.
The good news?
Married couples can intentionally create novelty together. There's nothing stopping you from changing things up a bit. Putting a little spice back into the marriage.
Try:
- Taking a weekend trip somewhere neither of you has visited.
- Learning a new hobby together.
- Asking deeper questions instead of discussing logistics.
- Going somewhere that brings out playfulness.
- Breaking predictable routines.
Long-term love doesn't stay exciting by accident. Those marriages you see that seem like they are still fun and exciting.....they don't happen by accident. They take work and intentionality.
It stays exciting because couples continue creating new experiences together.
Don't Confuse Escape with Fulfillment
When life becomes difficult, it's tempting to imagine that another relationship would make everything easier. It doesn't. It may postpone some difficulties. But guess what? They will likely resurface over time
But changing partners rarely fixes patterns. Because, guess what? Wherever you go, there you are. You can't escape yourself and what you bring to each relationship.
If you're exhausted, disconnected, lonely, or emotionally stuck, those issues often follow you into the next relationship unless they're addressed. So you might as well put the effort into the existing relationship instead of having to start all over.
Sometimes what feels like attraction is actually escape.
Those aren't the same thing.
The Bottom Line
Before convincing yourself that you want someone from your past—or someone new—pause long enough to ask a deeper question.
What am I really longing for?
Because chances are...
You don't want him.
You don't want her.
You want the feeling.
And once you identify the feeling, you have far more options for creating it than simply chasing it through another relationship.
Sometimes the answer isn't finding someone new or going back to someone from the past.
Sometimes it's rediscovering yourself, strengthening your current relationship, and intentionally building the life you've been missing all along.
You can also check out the Married & Confused Podcast episode about this topic, where my colleague Claudia and I talk about this from our perspectives and from our experience in the therapist chair. Click on the link below and look for Episode #66.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, Ohio, South Carolina, and Florida.
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