8/16 - When Family Moves In: How to Protect Your Marriage When Living with Extended Family
When Family Moves In:
How to Protect Your Marriage When Living With Extended Family
Opening your home to family can be one of the most loving things you'll ever do. It may also be one of the most difficult things you do. Whether it's aging parents who need assistance, adult children returning home after college, adult children with their own children, after a divorce, grandchildren needing temporary care, or a sibling facing financial hardship, many families find themselves living under one roof—sometimes by choice and sometimes out of necessity. No matter what the reason your family may be living together, there's lots to consider.
While multigenerational living can create some wonderful, meaningful family memories that last a lifetime and provide much-needed support, it can also place tremendous strain on even the healthiest relationships. Couples who once enjoyed privacy, predictable routines, and uninterrupted time together may suddenly feel like roommates in their own home. Everything they once knew has changed in an instant. And now, besides just looking out for the wants and needs of each other, there are extended family members to consider. And privacy....well, yeah, that's likely a thing of the past...at least for now.
If you've found yourself wondering, "Will our marriage survive this?" you're not alone. So many families I have worked with have found themselves in this situation at one time or another. Some times it was short term, when family was visiting from out of the country and other times, it was an extended stay while they got back on their feet.
The good news? Living with extended family doesn't have to become the beginning of the end. With intentional communication, healthy boundaries, and teamwork, your relationship can remain strong—even during challenging seasons. In fact, sometimes marriages can even grow closer during this type of situation.
Why Families Move In Together
There are countless reasons families decide to share a home.
Some include:
- Financial hardship - maybe they're suffering from a temporary financial setback and need to reduce costs until they can get a place of their own.
- Rising housing costs - maybe they aren't yet established and are having a hard time finding affordable housing. So, to them, it makes sense and reduces costs for everyone.
- Health concerns - maybe you've invited extended family in to help with you or your spouses temporary health concerns or maybe you've invited them to stay to help with their health concerns.
- Caregiving for aging parents - this is a common reason. We often move our aging parents in with us, so that we can share in taking care of them or at least providing a little more oversight as they age.
- Divorce or separation - maybe you recently got separated from your long term partner and are still trying to work out all the details or final custody agreements, so you need to save money and get re-established on your own.
- Job loss - maybe you agree to allow your sibling to move in for a while because they lost their job and can't afford to live on their own for this season.
- Helping adult children get back on their feet - sometimes adult children end up returning home for a period of time after a divorce, because they aren't immediately able to get a place of their own due to contentious divorce proceedings or due to a change in income and housing affordability or sometimes they haven't yet gotten established after graduating from college.
- Temporary housing during life transitions - maybe it's as simple as your family member moving from another state or country, but not yet having a place of their own. They may need to stay with you while they look for appropriate housing.
Often, everyone begins with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, good intentions don't eliminate the stress that naturally comes with various personalities sharing space.
The Biggest Challenges Couples Face
1. Loss of Privacy
One of the first things couples notice is the disappearance of quiet moments.
Simple things like drinking coffee together, watching television, cooking dinner, or having difficult conversations suddenly feel public. There barely seems like a place in the house where you and your spouse can be alone. Even the bedroom begins to feel like it's no longer private because your "guests" may hear you.
Many couples begin to avoid meaningful conversations simply because someone is always around. And long term, avoiding meaningful conversations causes frustration and resentment to build up.
And over time, emotional intimacy suffers.
2. Different Expectations
One spouse may see the arrangement as temporary. They have a timeframe in mind as to when their "guests" will leave.
The other may quietly assume it's long-term. They feel obligated to help and support their family members as long as necessary.
One partner expects everyone to contribute financially. They graciously agreed to share their home, but it doesn't come with free food & rent.
The other believes family should never be asked for money. They may believe that family always selflessly helps family. Period.
These unspoken expectations often become bigger problems than the living situation itself, especially if they weren't discussed prior to the family members moving in.
3. Increased Conflict
More people means:
- More opinions - lots of feelings to consider
- More personalities - lots of different ways of dealing with things
- More messes - the more people, the more mess
- More schedules - not just for activities, but for shower usage, meals, transportation.
- More opportunities for misunderstanding - the more different people involved, the more likely there is for misunderstandings
Small frustrations can quickly snowball into major arguments if they're never addressed. It's important for your and your partner to keep the lines of communication between each other, open. And it's important for the partner who's family is staying with you, to maintain regular contact and check-in's with their extended family about expectations, boundaries, and timelines.
4. Feeling Caught in the Middle
If the person living with you is one spouse's parent or sibling, loyalty conflicts often arise. Human nature is to defend your family. So what happens when you're caught in the middle of your family of origin and your current family of you, your partner, and maybe children?
One partner may feel obligated to defend their family. And this may cause the other partner to feel unheard or unsupported.
Instead of solving the problem together, couples begin taking sides.
That can create resentment very quickly.
It's important for the couple to ensure they are intentional about spending time alone together and that they maintain strong communication about all aspects of the situation, including feelings.
5. Intimacy Takes a Back Seat
Physical intimacy often declines simply because opportunities become limited.
It's difficult to relax when you're worried someone might overhear you or interrupt.
Even emotional closeness can fade when every conversation revolves around household logistics instead of your relationship.
In these situations, it's important to find time and ways to ensure that intimacy is not being neglected. Whether it's occasionally booking a hotel down the street for a night or two, or asking you guests to be away from the house for a few hours, every so often, accommodations must be made in order to maintain healthy relationship intimacy.
Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Being Neglected
Pay attention if you notice:
- You're arguing more than usual.
- Conversations revolve only around the household.
- You stop spending intentional time together.
- One spouse feels alone in carrying responsibilities.
- You're becoming emotionally distant.
- You avoid discussing frustrations because it feels easier.
- Resentment continues to build.
None of these automatically mean your relationship is falling apart—but they do signal that it's time to reconnect intentionally.
How to Protect Your Relationship
Make Your Marriage the Primary Team
One of the healthiest mindsets is remembering:
You and your spouse are the leadership team of your home.
Family members, including parents or elders may be living with you, but your marriage remains the foundation of the household. It is your relationship and your home. You make the rules...together.
Present a united front whenever possible.
Discuss disagreements privately before making household decisions. And when you do, make those decisions together.
Set Clear Expectations Early
Many conflicts happen because expectations were never discussed.
Talk about:
- How long the arrangement is expected to last - you and your partner should discuss and determine ahead of time, the limit to how long the relatives can stay. And then seek to get clarity from the family members OR help them develop a reasonable timeframe in which they can find another, more permanent place. Express your boundaries up front, so they aren't blindsided later.
- Financial contributions - you and your partner should discuss and agree ahead of time about what, if any, financial contributions are expected from the family members. This information should be shared with the family members up front, including how much they are expected to contribute, when it is expected to be paid, and in what form.
- Household chores - it has always been my philosophy that whoever lives in a home (with the exception of very young children) is required to contribute to the overall upkeep of the home. You and your partner should discuss and determine ahead of time what chores you may expect your family members to help with. And then this should be clearly expressed to the family members.
- Quiet hours - every family has different schedules and expectations around noise. However, in these situations, the house is still your house and it is important that your needs are respected. You and your partner should discuss and determine what the house quiet time hours and/or curfews are. And then this should be clearly communicated to the visiting family members. This is an items that may require additional discussion with the family members, in the even that they have a job with night hours, etc. All people involved should come to an agreement of what is considered, "quiet".
- Guest policies - this is especially important, since you've already allowed extended family members to reside in your home for a season. For you, you already have guests and having more may seem like too much. You and your partner should discuss and agree ahead of time, whether your family members will be allowed to have guests over to the house, and if so, what are the parameters.
- Parenting responsibilities (if grandchildren are involved) - this can be a big one! And I've seen it happen AND experienced it myself. If you and your partner have children, the expectations around discipline must be clearly explained up front. There needs to be clarity and agreement as to how and who provides the discipline. Very clear boundaries must be established early on. And I highly recommend having regular "meetings" to discuss how things are going.
- Shared spaces - when you allow family members to live in your home, there are numerous areas that immediately become shared spaces, such as the kitchen, bathrooms, and living areas. You and your partner should discuss and determine the "rules" for the shared areas, especially around the ideas of cleanliness and maintenance. The understanding is that your home and your furniture should be treated with the utmost respect and care taken to ensure there is no damage done to the home.
- Privacy - you and your partner should discuss and develop expectations around privacy in the home, which will, to most degrees, apply to everyone in the home. This could mean that no one comes within a certain distance of your bedroom door or that there are certain days or hours in which they need to leave the home. Or it could be simple things such as a requirement to knock on the door or door way before entering a room. It's important for you and your partner to establish those boundaries and expectations early, and then express them clearly
Clear expectations reduce unnecessary conflict. Or at least minimize it.
They also help the visiting family members determine if they will be able to stay in your home or if they will need to make other arrangements.
While different cultures look at this situation differently and those differences should be taken into account when agreeing to allow family member to live with you, it is also very important that respect and consideration is shown to the people who's home it is and who are graciously allowing the family members to live there temporarily.
Schedule Couple Time
Don't wait until life slows down. Protect time together now. Even if you've given a clear timeline on how long your family members can stay, it's not an excuse to postpone couple time. Avoidance or delay of intentional couple time can wreak havoc in your relationship. Continue to keep the relationship the priority.
Even small moments matter:
- Evening walks - even just a walk around the block alone together.
- Weekly coffee dates - or milkshakes, or whatever floats your boats; but weekly moments in time when you can just relax and let your hair down together.
- Sitting on the porch together - I know this isn't for everyone, but the point is to have some time alone together, uninterrupted.
- Watching a favorite show - keep as many of your previous habits intact as possible. Everything about your life shouldn't be disrupted because of your family members.
- Going out for dinner - Weekly date night now takes a whole new level of importance. Schedule time to get out alone, enjoy a dinner or activity together, just the two of you.
- Taking a drive - some couples just enjoying driving to unspecified locations and enjoying the scenery and conversation. I know my husband and I do!
The goal isn't relationship perfection. The goal is maintaining connection. Even in the midst of the chaos.
Address Problems Early
Avoid letting frustration simmer for months. If something that bothers you happens more than once, address it with your partner immediately. Talk it through. Develop solutions.
Instead of saying:
"It's fine."
Try saying:
"I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we talk about how we can make this situation work better for both of us?"
Healthy conversations early often prevent explosive arguments later. And it allows you both to address the issues with your family members early, before it becomes a larger problem or engrained habit.
Share Responsibilities
One spouse should never become the default caregiver unless both partners have agreed to that arrangement. This often takes some conversation and agreement because either one of you may not want to care for your partner's family member OR that family member may insist on only the related partner being the one to care for them.
It's important to have these discussions with the family members early in the situation, so they can understand that there may be times in which their family member's partner is providing their care.
Talk honestly about:
- Transportation
- Cooking
- Cleaning
- Medical appointments
- Financial responsibilities
- Childcare
When responsibilities are shared fairly, resentment decreases. Figure out what works fairly for both of you. And what that's decided, make sure the visiting family members are on board.
Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries aren't selfish.
They're necessary.
Boundaries are what make life bearable. They are guidelines and expectations for how to interaction with each other.
Examples include:
- Knocking before entering bedrooms
- Respecting quiet time
- Allowing the couple private conversations
- Not involving extended family in marital disagreements
- Respecting parenting decisions
- Creating private spaces when possible
We discussed many of these examples above, but know that these are just examples. You are your spouse will have to determine what your specific boundaries are, explain them clearly, and address it when those boundaries are crossed.
Boundaries protect relationships—not damage them. In fact, in the long run, they often strengthen relationships and build respect.
Remember: This Is a Just a Season
Most family living arrangements are temporary.
Even if yours lasts several years, it won't last forever.
Instead of viewing the situation as something happening to your marriage, consider how you can face it together. Or discuss how to make the best of the situation and look for the positive aspects.
Challenges often reveal strengths that couples didn't know they had.
Working as a team during difficult seasons can actually deepen trust and strengthen your relationship.
When It's Time to Ask for Help
Sometimes the stress becomes more than couples can manage on their own.
If you're noticing constant conflict, emotional distance, resentment, or feeling like your relationship is disappearing beneath the weight of family responsibilities, couples counseling can provide a safe place to work through those challenges.
A couples counselor can help you:
- Improve communication - this may involve teaching you new communication skills or helping you better understand your existing communication patterns and find ways to tweak them.
- Establish healthy boundaries - you may not have ever created boundaries before, so you may need help to do so. Or you and your partner are not easily coming to agreement on what the boundaries should be. It's helpful to have a professional third party to assist.
- Navigate loyalty conflicts - sometimes you just need that neutral, professional third party to assist with these types of conflicts because everyone else is just too close to the situation.
- Develop practical problem-solving skills - a couples counselor can also help you learn, develop, and strengthen practical problem solving skills, that are designed specifically for your family dynamics.
- Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy - if this season of life did negatively impact your emotional and physical intimacy, a couples counselor can help you regain that trust and connection.
- Strengthen your partnership during a difficult season - or maybe you just need some outside support during this season of life, to help you manage and maintain in real time.
Seeking help isn't a sign that your relationship is failing. It's often a sign that you're committed to protecting it and to finding practical solutions for all involved.
Final Thoughts
Opening your home to family is often an act of generosity and love. But generosity should never come at the expense of your relationship.
By communicating openly, setting healthy boundaries, and making your marriage a priority, you can navigate the challenges of multigenerational living without losing the connection that brought you together in the first place.
Remember: your home can be a place of support for extended family and a place where your relationship continues to thrive.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, Ohio, South Carolina, and Florida.
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