8/30 - Married to Your Spouse - or Your In-Laws?
Married to Your Spouse - or Your In-Laws?
For many couples, in-laws can be a huge blessing. They can offer wisdom, encouragement, practical help, childcare, financial support, and a sense of family connection. They can become some of the most trusted people in a couple’s lives. People the couple comes to rely on.
But there is another side of the story.
Sometimes the people who are supposed to support a marriage can begin taking up too much space inside it - unintentionally or intentionally. What started as helpful involvement can slowly become interference. Sometimes it can feel like your spouse never quite cut the umbilical cord. It may get to the point where advice begins to feel like criticism. And it often is offered unsolicited. Or family traditions can become expectations, instead of invitations. A parent’s concern can become control. Some parents try to take over the parenting and/or discipline of the child.
And before a couple realizes what has happened, they may find themselves asking:
Are our in-laws supporting our relationship—or have they become a third person in it?
Marriage Creates a New Family Unit
I think that's the part we have to keep in mind. Once a couple gets married, they become a family of their own, separate from either spouse's parents. Getting married doesn't mean you abandon your parents or end close relationships with your family of origin. But marriage does create a new primary relationship. And that is the relationship to focus on.
Your spouse becomes the person with whom you're building a life, making decisions, establishing traditions, and creating a household. And that often comes with changes to the family dynamics with each person's family of origin.
That shift can be difficult for everyone involved. The new couple is venturing out on their own, trying to make their own way in the world. And the parents are grieving the loss of their child, while still holding hope that they can remain relevant and important.
Parents may struggle with no longer being the person their adult child turns to first. Roles shift. Adult children may struggle with disappointing their parents. Old habits die hard. And spouses may struggle to establish boundaries when they feel caught between their marriage and their family of origin. No one wants conflict, especially in their new marriage.
Healthy marriage requires a new kind of loyalty.
Your parents matter.
Your siblings matter.
Your extended family matters.
But your marriage needs to be treated as its own family unit.
When In-Laws Become a Third Wheel
A third wheel isn't necessarily someone who is intentionally trying to interfere. Often it comes from a place of sincerity. They genuinely want to be helpful or involved. And sometimes the problem develops because boundaries were never clearly established from the beginning.
For example, an in-law might:
- Give unsolicited opinions about parenting, finances, or household decisions.
- Expect to be consulted before the couple makes important decisions.
- Drop by without asking.
- Call or text excessively and expect immediate responses.
- Criticize one spouse to the other.
- Compare the spouse to a previous partner or family member.
- Expect holidays, vacations, or traditions to happen a certain way.
- Become angry when the couple says no.
- Use guilt to get their way.
- Expect their adult child to prioritize their needs over the spouse's.
- Share private relationship information with other family members.
- Become overly involved in disagreements between spouses.
None of these behaviors automatically means an in-law is toxic or malicious. Like I said, it is often coming from a place of wanting to be helpful - whether physically, emotionally, or in a more concrete way.
But when a couple is unable to make decisions, establish routines, or resolve conflict without significant outside involvement from the in-laws, something needs to change. And if it doesn't, the marriage will be stunted.
Sometimes the Problem Isn't the In-Law
This is an important distinction worth noting.
Sometimes the biggest problem isn't what the in-law is doing. While that may be frustrating and may feel like the problem to you, what you really need to do is take a peek behind the curtain.
You need to look at what the spouse is allowing their parents to do.
Imagine a wife tells her husband:
“I don't feel comfortable with your mother having a key to our house.”
If his response is:
“That's just how Mom is. I'm not going to upset her.”
the issue is no longer simply about his mother.
Now there is a relationship boundary problem. There is a very blurry line about who has free access to the couples' home. No clear boundaries were discussed or agreed upon.
Likewise, if a husband says:
“I don't think your parents should be making this decision for us.”
and his wife immediately defends her parents rather than discussing the concern, the couple has another issue to address. There seems to be an unhealthy co-dependency in which the wife essentially values her parents opinion over her husband's opinion. When instead the decision should be made between the married couple. That doesn't mean that each spouse can't ask their parents for their advice or opinion, but the parent/s shouldn't be given the final decision making power. The information or opinion provided by the parents can be one of many factors to be considering in decision making.
A healthy marriage requires spouses to be able to say:
“My family is important to me, but my marriage is my primary commitment.”
That doesn't mean automatically siding with your spouse in every disagreement. It means taking your spouse's concerns seriously and working together to protect the relationship. Your loyalty now belongs primarily with your spouse.
Your Spouse Should Never Have to Compete With Your Parents
One of the most painful dynamics in marriage occurs when a spouse feels like they are constantly competing for their partner's loyalty or attention.
Perhaps your spouse says:
- “Your mother gets to make all of our decisions.”
- “You tell your parents things you won't tell me.”
- “You always choose your family over me.”
- “I feel like I married you and your entire family.”
- “I feel like I can't disagree with your parents without becoming the bad guy.”
Those statements shouldn't automatically be dismissed as jealousy or selfishness. These types of statements may be your spouse trying to share their feelings with you or express their disappointment about the time and effort you put into the marriage.
These types of statements may be attempts to communicate:
“I don't feel like we're a team.”
And that is worth paying attention to.
Once you get married, your spouse becomes your focus and it shifts away from your parents or family of origin. Marriage is often the first huge step of a person's individuation from their family.
Healthy Boundaries Are Not Rejection
Many people struggle with boundaries because they associate them with rejection. For many people, boundaries feel "mean". Or maybe they haven't learned how to communicate them with love and respect.
But boundaries don't have to mean:
“You aren't important to us.”
They can communicate:
“You are important to us, AND we want our relationship to remain healthy.”
A healthy boundary might sound like:
“We appreciate your concern, but my spouse and I need to make this decision together.”
Or:
“We're not comfortable discussing our marital problems with extended family. If we need help, we'll seek professional support.”
Or:
“We're going to spend the holidays at home this year. We know that's different from what we've done in the past, but this is what works best for our family.”
Or:
"We appreciate your parenting & discipline suggestions, but we have decided on a different method of parenting/discipline."
Or simply:
“Thank you for sharing your opinion. We'll take it into consideration.”
Notice something important:
A boundary doesn't require an argument. It is a statement, not a negotiation.
You don't have to convince someone that your boundary is reasonable before you're allowed to have it. And the other people don't necessary have to agree with your boundary, but they do have to respect it. And it's important to tell them what the outcome will be if they don't.
Boundaries Work Best When You Set Them With Your Own Family
One of the healthiest principles for dealing with in-laws is:
You manage your family. Your spouse manages theirs.
Let me tell you, this will avoid a lot of conflict and tension. You and your spouse will need to develop the boundaries together first, and then each of you can communicate those boundaries to your own parents, in a way that feels loving and respectful and is delivered in a way that each person's parents can best receive it. That doesn't mean spouses never communicate with each other's families. It means you're usually in the best position to address difficult issues with your own parents. However, I have also seen situations in which the spouse can communicate more clearly and effectively with their in-laws that their own adult child can. And if that's the case, then so be it.
For example, if your mother repeatedly criticizes your spouse, you shouldn't expect your spouse to confront her.
You should.
If your father continually pressures your spouse about how you're raising your children, you should be willing to say:
“I appreciate that you care about the kids, but we're going to make parenting decisions together.”
Your spouse should know:
“I will not leave you alone to fight a battle with my family.”
That kind of loyalty can create tremendous security within a marriage. It creates a feeling of partnership and teamwork, instead of every man for themself.
Stop Giving Your In-Laws a Front-Row Seat to Your Marriage
Another important boundary involves privacy.
Not every disagreement belongs in the family group chat. In fact, your personal disagreements almost never belong in the family group chat. Have your disagreement offline, and then respond to the group chat later.
Not every argument needs to be discussed with your parents. I appreciate that many of you may have strong, close relationships with your parents and you're used to talking to them about almost anything. And that's great. But once you're married, there needs to be a filter. You shouldn't be discussing your marriage disagreements or frustrations with your parents. In fact, conversations with your parents about your spouse should be to build them up, not tear them down. Parents opinions about their adult child's spouse is formed from what their adult child tells them. So, if, in a period of anger and frustration, you say a bunch of negative things about your spouse, don't think they won't remember those things later, even if you've fixed things with your spouse.
And not every frustration about your spouse needs to be shared with your siblings. Similar to what I said about sharing frustrations with your parents. I know your sibling may be your best friend and you've shared secrets and frustrations with each other all your lives. But once you're married, is is actually disrespectful to talk about your spouse in a negative manner to other people, even your family.
When you regularly vent about your spouse to your family, you may eventually forgive your spouse—but your family may not. They may hold on to those things you told them and it may color how they think of your spouse or even how they interact with them.
You move on.
But they remember.
You may reconcile after an argument, while your parents continue holding resentment toward your spouse because of what you told them. They usually aren't privy to everything that was discussed between you and your spouse when you reconciled.
This can create a dangerous dynamic where extended family members have a very one-sided view of your relationship. I would err on the side of caution and if your family is presented with a one-side view, let it be positive, instead of negative. Of course, this doesn't apply the same way if your spouse is abusing you.
Before sharing something, ask:
“Will telling my family about this help our relationship—or simply make me feel temporarily better?”
If you need help resolving a significant relationship issue, consider talking with a qualified couples counselor or another neutral professional who can help without becoming personally entangled in your family system.
And What If Your In-Laws Are Actually Supportive?
Not every involved in-law is a problem. I've worked with many couples who each have great relationships with their in-laws and those relationships strengthen the marriage relationship
Some families have wonderfully close relationships. Grandparents may be deeply involved with grandchildren. Parents may provide significant financial or practical support. Adult children may talk with their parents every day.
Closeness itself isn't unhealthy. You haven't heard me say that once you get married you can no longer have a close relationship with your parents.
But te question is whether the relationship allows the marriage to remain autonomous.
Healthy involvement sounds like:
“How can we help?” This is supportive.
Unhealthy involvement sounds like:
“Here's what you're going to do.” This is directive.
Healthy parents respect a couple's decisions even when they disagree.
Healthy parents can hear “no” without punishing the couple emotionally.
Healthy parents don't require their adult child to choose between them and their spouse.
Healthy parents understand that being parents, grandparents, or in-laws does not give them authority over another adult couple's relationship.
Healthy parents respect their adult children's boundaries and decisions.
What If Your Spouse Won't Set Boundaries?
This can be one of the hardest situations.
You may recognize that your in-laws are crossing boundaries, but your spouse doesn't see it—or doesn't want to address it. Maybe their afraid of hurting their parent/s or maybe they want to avoid conflict. Or maybe they're afraid to lose their parents love and affection.
To address this, start by avoiding attacks on their family.
Instead of:
“Your mother is completely controlling!”
try:
“When your mom makes decisions for us, I feel like my voice doesn't matter. I need us to make those decisions together.”
That rephrasing is a good use of an expanded "I" statement.
Focus on the behavior and its impact, rather than labeling the person. This lessens the defensiveness your spouse may immediately feel otherwise.
And remember: your goal isn't to make your spouse dislike their family.
Your goal is to help your spouse understand that protecting your relationship is important, but it isn't the same thing as rejecting your family.
The Goal Isn't Distance. It's Healthy Connection.
You don't have to choose between having a good marriage and having a good relationship with your in-laws.
Ideally, you can have both.
Your in-laws can be grandparents, parents, friends, sources of wisdom, and important members of your family's life without becoming decision-makers in your marriage. It truly is all about the boundaries.
The goal isn't:
“Keep your family away.”
The goal is:
“Keep your relationship protected while maintaining healthy relationships with your family.”
There is room for both.
A Simple Test: Who Gets a Voice?
If you're wondering whether your in-laws have become a third wheel in your relationship, consider these questions:
- Can my spouse and I make decisions without needing our parents' approval?
- Can either of us say “no” to our families without fear of retaliation or guilt?
- Do we protect private relationship information?
- Do we prioritize our marriage when making holiday and family plans?
- Can my spouse tell me that something involving my family makes them uncomfortable?
- Do I defend my spouse when a family member is disrespectful?
- Do we make parenting, financial, household, and relational decisions together?
- Can our parents disagree with our choices without controlling them?
- Do our family relationships strengthen our marriage rather than divide it?
If several of these questions make you uncomfortable, that doesn't necessarily mean your in-laws are the problem.
It may just mean your relationship needs stronger boundaries. You can work on that together, or you can seek professional help.
Your Marriage Needs Room to Breathe
In-laws can be one of the greatest sources of support a couple ever experiences.
But even good support can become unhealthy when it crosses the line into control. There is such thing as too much of a good thing.
Your marriage needs room to develop its own traditions, make its own decisions, experience its own mistakes, and build its own identity. That is how couples grow together in marriage. Honestly, that's what makes a marriage.
You don't have to shut your parents out. And you don't have to stop loving your family.
You don't have to create unnecessary conflict.
But you do need to recognize that your marriage is a separate relationship with its own needs, priorities, and boundaries.
Your parents helped create the family you came from.
Your spouse is the person with whom you are building the family you're creating.
That distinction matters.
A strong marriage doesn't require choosing between your spouse and your family of origin.
It requires knowing where your primary commitment belongs. And then putting boundaries into place to support that commitment.
And when your marriage is protected by healthy boundaries, your in-laws don't have to be the relationship third wheel.
They can simply be what they were meant to be:
part of the family—not in charge of it.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
If you'd like to hear the Married & Confused Podcast episode that also discusses this topic, click here.
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