9/27 - Would You Date Yourself? Looking Honestly at Who You Bring to a Relationship
Would You Date Yourself?
Looking Honestly at Who You Bring to a Relationship
Have you ever thought about what attracts people to you? Why they choose to date you? Or have you ever stopped to ask yourself the slightly uncomfortable question:
Would I date me?
We often think a lot about what WE want in a partner. We might have a list of qualities we hope to find: kind, funny, dependable, emotionally available, loyal, supportive, attractive, ambitious, a good communicator—the list goes on. Or maybe we've even developed a list of non-negotiables for the person we'd date.
But what happens when we turn that list around and ask ourselves:
“How many of those same qualities do I bring to a relationship?”
This isn’t about judging yourself or deciding whether you're “good enough” for a relationship. Everyone deserves a happy, healthy relationship. But this blog post is about becoming more aware of who YOU are—the good, the challenging, and everything in between.
So What Would You Bring to a Relationship?
Imagine that you met someone exactly like you. Maybe they don't necessarily look just like you, but they have all the same personality traits.
Would you enjoy spending time with them? Would you get along?
Would you feel safe being vulnerable with them? Do you think you'd be able to share some of your personal stories with them, without fear of judgement?
Would you feel heard when you talked? Would you get a sense that they are really listening, taking in what you're saying?
Would you trust them? Would you worry they'd talk behind your back the first chance they get?
Would you have fun together? If you enjoyed all the same things and thought about things the same way, would you still be able to have fun together?
Would you feel supported when life got difficult? Would they be a person you feel like you could call in the middle of the night if your world was falling apart? Would they stand up for you in difficult situations?
And then there are the harder questions you might ask yourself, if you met someone exactly like you.
Would you want to argue with that person? Do you feel that they'd always have the upper hand and know what to say, or do you feel like they'd always just give in or shut down?
Would you feel like you could never do anything right? Does that person seem to judge everything you do or make it seem like you're never enough?
Would you feel controlled or criticized? Does that personal have a strong or dominating personality?
Would you feel responsible for managing your partner's emotions?
Would you feel like your needs mattered?
Those questions can tell us something important—not just about our relationships, but about ourselves.
Let's Start With the Good Stuff
Before we start making a list of everything we need to change, let's acknowledge something:
You probably have a lot of great qualities that make you a wonderful partner. Don't diminish that!
Maybe you're loyal. You stand beside your partner through thick or thin. You always have their back.
Maybe you're generous. You never hesitate to give what you can, whether it's money, objects, or even time. You are always willing to give of yourself.
Maybe you make people laugh. You make silly comments or act goofy. You are the life of the party.
Maybe you're the person friends call when they need help. You have a listening ear or a compassionate way of being. You're empathetic and understanding.
Maybe you're affectionate, thoughtful, dependable, adventurous, patient, encouraging, or hardworking.
Maybe you know how to apologize. Taking accountability & responsibility for your own actions goes a long way, especially in a relationship.
Maybe you're willing to talk through difficult things instead of walking away. You don't shut down, but settle in for hard talks, in order to come out better on the other side.
Maybe you know how to celebrate the people you love. You remember their special days or accomplishments. You send random texts or gifts just to let them know you're thinking of them.
All of these qualities matter. And I'm sure there's a whole bunch more I didn't mention.
Sometimes we spend so much time focusing on our flaws that we forget to recognize what we already bring to our relationships. In fact, we often tend to downplay our strengths. In my work as a therapist, I often have to help people remember their good qualities.
So ask yourself:
What would someone appreciate about dating me?
And then, don't brush past the question. Really think about it. What makes you a good catch?
Now for the Uncomfortable Part
Of course we all know that none of us is perfect. Even if we'd like to think we are.
And that's where the question gets interesting.
Maybe you're a good communicator—but only when you're not angry. or when the matter at hand doesn't involve you.
Maybe you're generous—but sometimes you keep score. Or you only give if you know you'll get something in return.
Maybe you're independent—but you have trouble letting someone help you.
Maybe you're affectionate—but you withdraw when you're hurt. Or you withhold when you're angry.
Maybe you're funny—but sometimes your humor becomes sarcasm or is hurtful at times. Maybe your sense of humor comes at the cost of someone else.
Maybe you're confident—but sometimes that confidence turns into defensiveness. Or cockiness.
Maybe you say you want honesty—but you don't always respond well when someone gives it to you. You get defensive or hurt or angry.
Our strengths and weaknesses aren't always separate things. Sometimes a strength can become a problem when it gets taken too far.
Being protective can become controlling. This often happens when one partner tries to limit when and where their partner goes or who they spend time with. But the believe they are simply being protective and caring.
Being independent can become emotionally distant. This happens when we are so accustomed to doing things for ourselves, that we can't or don't let people get to close to us, or we might get hurt.
Being passionate can become reactive. We've all seen it. Sometimes our passion goes to far and becomes extreme.
Being helpful can become rescuing. This happens a lot in co-dependent relationships or in relationships where one partner is enabling their partner's unhealthy behaiors.
Being organized can become rigid. This happens when you cannot be flexible with other people or when you cannot accept someone else's way of doing things.
Being confident can become unwillingness to admit you're wrong. This happens when you become over-confident or maybe you've been given praise, without any constructive feedback.
That's why self-awareness is so important.
Are You the Partner You Want?
One of the easiest traps in relationships is focusing primarily on what our partner needs to change. And we forget to look at what we might be doing to contribute to any problems in the relationship.
They need to communicate better.
They need to be more affectionate.
They need to stop being defensive.
They need to prioritize me.
They need to listen.
And sometimes those observations are completely legitimate. But what are you doing in those areas?
So maybe there's another question worth asking:
What am I contributing to the relationship?
This isn't about taking responsibility for someone else's unhealthy behavior. It's also not about blaming yourself when someone treats you poorly.
It's about recognizing that you are the only person in the relationship whose behavior you can actually control. I say this over and over to my clients in individual counseling. We can only control our own behavior, not other people's behavior. As much as we'd like to be able to.
You can't make your partner communicate better. But, you can work on how you communicate.
You can't make your partner become more emotionally available. But you can examine how emotionally available you are.
You can't make your partner stop criticizing. But you can make sure that you are acknowledging when your partner does something well or something you appreciate. And you can look at whether you're creating an environment where difficult conversations can happen without immediately becoming defensive.
Self-reflection isn't self-blame.
Self-Reflection is when we take a look at ourselves - the good and the bad - and make adjustments when needed. And the Mirriam Webster Dictionary defines it as careful thought about your own behavior and beliefs.
What Would Your Partner Say?
Here's another interesting exercise:
Imagine asking your spouse, your partner, or someone who knows you well:
“What are three things you love about being in a relationship or friendship with me?”
Then ask:
“What is one thing that can be difficult about being in a relationship or friendship with me?”
The first question is going to feel good. Who doesn't love hearing positive things about themselves?
That second question may be harder to hear. Even when we are open to hearing it, hearing challenging things about ourselves is hard.
Our first instinct may be to defend ourselves.
"Well, I only do that because..."
"But they do it too."
"That's not what I meant."
Instead, try listening. Listening, absorbing and reflecting on what you've heard is the best way to improve yourself.
You don't necessarily have to agree with everything someone says about you. But you can become curious about their experience of you.
“Tell me more about that.”
That simple question can reveal things we don't see about ourselves.
No One is Asking You to Become Someone Else
The goal isn't to turn yourself into the perfect partner.
There isn't one. The perfect partner simple does not exist.
And you don't need to erase your personality, preferences, boundaries, or individuality to become more relationship-ready. Part of the beauty of relationships is that they include two people with different personalities, different likes & dislikes, and different strengths & weaknesses. In reality, would you really want to date someone who is exactly like you? Nah, I don't think so!
But the goal is to become more aware and more intentional.
If you're impatient, can you work on patience?
If you're defensive, can you practice listening before responding?
If you struggle to apologize, can you learn to take responsibility and own up to your actions?
If you tend to shut down during conflict, can you learn healthier ways to take a break and return to the conversation?
If you constantly put everyone else's needs ahead of your own, can you learn to have healthier boundaries?
Growth doesn't require becoming a completely different person.
Sometimes it simply means becoming a healthier version of the person you already are.
And I have talked about many of these things in previous blog posts, if you want to check them out as part of your self-reflection journey.
So... Would You Date Yourself?
Maybe the answer is an enthusiastic yes.
Maybe the answer is yes—but I have some things I'm working on.
Or maybe the question made you realize there are some qualities you'd really like to address before getting into another relationship.
Any of those answers can be useful.
The point isn't to pass a test or to become the perfect partner. Remember that doesn't exist.
The point is to take an honest look at the person you bring into your relationships. And that person can and should always be growing and changing.
Because whether you're single, dating, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, there's one relationship you will have for your entire life:
The relationship you have with yourself.
And becoming a healthier, more self-aware person doesn't just benefit your romantic relationships. It can change your friendships, family relationships, work relationships—and the way you experience your own life.
So take a moment and ask yourself:
Would I date myself?
And perhaps even more importantly:
What kind of person am I becoming?
You can also check out the Married & Confused Podcast episode about this topic, where my colleague Claudia and I talk about this from our perspectives and from our own experiences, as people and as therapists. Click on the link below and look for Episode #71.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, Ohio, South Carolina, and Florida.
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