10/18 - When Marriage Doesn't Look Like You Expected: Rethinking Your Expectations

 

When Marriage Doesn't Look Like You Expected: 

Rethinking Your Expectations

Before you get married, it's easy to have a picture in your mind of what marriage will be like.

Maybe you imagine date nights, vacations, growing old together, raising a family, laughing together, and having someone who always understands you.

You may picture your spouse as your best friend, biggest supporter, and person you can always turn to.

And hopefully, you picture a lifelong commitment.

But there are some things we don't always picture before we get married.

We don't necessarily picture the disagreements about money.

We don't imagine having the same argument about household responsibilities over and over.

We don't picture seasons when one spouse is exhausted while the other needs more connection.

We don't think about financial stress, parenting challenges, aging parents, health problems, job changes, grief, spiritual struggles, or simply growing and changing as individuals.

Yet these things can and do become part of married life.

That's why one of the most important things a couple can do is learn to recognize the difference between healthy expectations and unrealistic expectations in marriage.

The Expectations We Bring Into Marriage

Every person brings expectations into a relationship.

Some of them are conscious.  They are decisions we make based on our own life experiences.

Others are assumptions we've absorbed from our families, culture, movies, books, social media, or previous relationships.

We may expect our spouse to:

• Always understand how we feel
• Know what we need without being told
• Make us happy
• Agree with us
• Never hurt our feelings
• Always want to spend time together
• Keep the romance exactly the way it was during dating
• Change behaviors we don't like
• Make us feel completely secure
• Complete us
• Never argue with us

The problem isn't having expectations.

The problem is expecting another imperfect human being to consistently meet expectations that may be unrealistic in the first place.

Marriage requires us to examine those expectations and allow them to change over tume and as the relationship changes.

Expectation #1: "My Spouse Will Make Me Happy"

Your spouse can bring tremendous joy into your life.  That's one of the reasons you chose to get married in the first place.

They can encourage you, comfort you, make you laugh, and walk beside you through difficult seasons.

But your spouse cannot be responsible for your entire happiness.  They are just another imperfect human being with their own load to carry.

That's an enormous burden to place on another person.

Psalm 16:11 says:

"In your presence there is fullness of joy."

Our deepest source of fulfillment comes from God, not from another human being.

When we expect our spouse to fill needs that only God can fill, disappointment is almost always inevitable.

A healthier expectation is:

"My spouse will contribute to my joy, but my spouse is not responsible for my entire emotional well-being."

Expectation #2: "My Spouse Will Always Understand Me"

During dating, you may feel like you've finally found someone who completely understands you.  They seem to know what you're thinking or feeling before you do.  

Then you get married and something changes—and discover that your spouse can love you deeply and still misunderstand you.

That's normal.

You are two different people with different personalities, experiences, family backgrounds, communication styles, and ways of processing emotions.

Romans 12:10 says:

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

Notice that Scripture emphasizes love and honor.

It doesn't tell us that married couples will always understand each other perfectly.

Sometimes the goal of a conversation isn't to convince your spouse to see things exactly as you do.

Sometimes it's simply to understand how they see the situation.  It's good to have multiple perspectives on the same situation. 

Understanding doesn't require agreement.

Expectation #3: "We Shouldn't Fight If We Really Love Each Other"

Conflict doesn't automatically mean a marriage is unhealthy.  In fact, I believe that if your marriage does not have some conflict, there is likely a deeper problem to address.

Two people can love each other deeply and still disagree.

The goal isn't necessarily to eliminate conflict.

The goal is to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way.

James 1:19 says:

"Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."

That's valuable advice for marriage.

Instead of expecting:

"We will never disagree."

Try:

"We will have disagreements, but we will work toward handling them with respect, honesty, and self-control."

Healthy couples aren't couples who never disagree.

They are couples who learn how to listen to each other's perspective with curiosity and navigate disagreement without making the disagreement bigger than the marriage.

Expectation #4: "The Romance Will Always Feel the Same"

Dating often comes with excitement and anticipation.

You're intentionally spending time together.

You're learning about one another.

You're going on dates.  You're texting.

You're discovering who this person is.

Marriage introduces another layer of life.

There are bills.

Work.

Children.

Laundry.

Responsibilities.

Exhaustion.

Unexpected problems.

That doesn't mean romance should disappear.

Quite the opposite.

Couples should continue to pursue one another.  ut should be an intentional act to keep the spsrk and connection alive.

But healthy marriage recognizes that love matures.

1 Corinthians 13 describes love as patient, kind, humble, and enduring.

Biblical love isn't based entirely on how we feel in a particular moment.

Sometimes love looks like a romantic date.

Other times it looks like making dinner when your spouse has had a terrible day.

Sometimes it looks like holding your spouse while they cry.

Sometimes it looks like apologizing.

Sometimes it looks like choosing kindness when you're irritated, and when you feel anything but kind.

The butterflies may change.  

But love can become deeper.

Expectation #5: "My Spouse Will Change"

This can be one of the most dangerous expectations to bring into marriage.

Maybe you noticed something while dating and thought:

"He'll change once we're married."

Or:

"She'll eventually become more affectionate."

Or:

"Once we have children, he'll become more responsible."

People certainly can change.  I'm not saying it never happens.

But you shouldn't build a marriage around the expectation that your spouse will eventually become the person you want them to be.  It's important to love them for who they are, and if they do change - Great!  But if not, there's no hard feelings.

Instead of constantly asking:

"How can I get my spouse to change?"

A healthier question is:

"Lord, what are You asking me to change?"

Matthew 7:3-5 reminds us to examine the log in our own eye before focusing on the speck in someone else's.

It is always good to self reflect and improve yourself over time.  Not all changes need to happen from your spouse.

That also doesn't mean ignoring legitimate problems.

It means starting with our own hearts first.  And sometimes, our changes, beget changes in our spouse. 

Expectation #6: "My Spouse Should Know What I Need Without Me Saying It"

This is one of the most common sources of frustration in marriage.

"If he really loved me, he'd know."

"She should know what I need."

But your spouse isn't a mind reader.

And neither are you.

But i hear these sentiments time and time again in marriage counseling sessions. 

Healthy communication requires us to express our needs instead of expecting our spouse to discover them.

Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak the truth in love.

That might sound like:

"I've had a really difficult day, and I could use some extra support tonight."

Instead of:

"You never help me."

Or:

"I've been feeling disconnected from you lately. Could we plan some time together?"

Instead of:

"You don't care about me anymore."

Giving your spouse clear information creates an opportunity for them to respond.  They don't have to guess what you need AND figure out how to meet it.

Expectation #7: "Marriage Will Complete Me"

Our culture often talks about finding "the one" who completes us.  Finding "your person".

But your spouse was never meant to be the source of your identity.  God created you as a unique individual on your own.  Your spouse is a supplement to a whole human who is already enough.

Colossians 2:10 reminds us that we are complete in Christ.

Marriage isn't two incomplete people becoming complete because they found each other.

Marriage is two people creating a shared life and becoming one flesh.

Genesis 2:24 says:

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Becoming one doesn't mean losing who you are.

It means learning how to build a life together.

So What Are Healthy Marriage Expectations?

Changing unrealistic expectations doesn't mean lowering the bar for marriage.

It means developing expectations that are grounded in reality, grace, and biblical principles.

Healthy expectations might include:

Expect growth.

Marriage will reveal areas where both spouses need to grow.

Expect seasons.

Not every season will feel the same.

Some will be exciting.

Some will be difficult.

Some will be exhausting.

Expect imperfection.

Your spouse will disappoint you sometimes.

And you will disappoint your spouse sometimes.

That's part of being human.

Expect communication.

Don't rely on mind reading.

Talk about what you need.

Expect forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13 reminds us to forgive as the Lord has forgiven us.

Expect God to work in both of you.

Philippians 1:6 reminds us that God is continuing His work in us.

When Your Marriage Doesn't Look Like You Expected

One of the most important questions you can ask when marriage doesn't look like you imagined is:

"Does this mean something is wrong with our marriage, or does it mean we are experiencing a normal part of married life?"

Sometimes disappointment is simply the result of unrealistic expectations.  And if so, you may need to make some adjustments. 

Other times, disappointment may be pointing toward a legitimate problem that needs attention.

There is an important difference.

Healthy marriage doesn't mean ignoring serious issues.

Abuse, addiction, chronic dishonesty, infidelity, untreated mental health concerns, persistent disrespect, and other destructive patterns deserve to be addressed.

Grace doesn't mean tolerating harmful behavior.

Forgiveness doesn't mean eliminating appropriate boundaries.

And having realistic expectations doesn't mean settling for an unhealthy marriage.

Instead, it means approaching marriage with honesty and wisdom.  It means approaching these things together.

A Simple Exercise for Couples

Take some time to sit down with your spouse and answer these questions:

1. What did I expect marriage to be like before we got married?

Be honest.

Don't judge the answer.

2. Which of those expectations have changed?

Think about what you've learned since getting married.

3. Which expectations am I still holding onto?

This may be the most revealing question.

Sometimes we're still waiting for our spouse to give us the marriage we imagined years ago.

4. What is one expectation I need to release?

Choose one unrealistic expectation.

5. What healthy expectation can replace it?

For example:

Unrealistic:
"My spouse should always know what I need."

Healthy:
"I will communicate my needs clearly."

Unrealistic:
"Happy couples never fight."

Healthy:
"We can disagree while treating each other with respect."

Unrealistic:
"My spouse should make me happy."

Healthy:
"I will look to God for my deepest fulfillment while cultivating joy and connection in my marriage."

Marriage Isn't Always What We Expected—and That's Okay

Marriage may not turn out exactly the way you imagined before you said, "I do."

That doesn't necessarily mean something has gone wrong.

Sometimes it means you're discovering what marriage actually requires.  And that might be more than you expected. 

The goal isn't to create a marriage where everything goes according to plan.  What fun would that be?!

The goal is to create a marriage where two imperfect people are willing to grow, communicate, forgive, serve, and keep choosing one another.

Ephesians 5:2 says:

"Walk in love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us."

That's a beautiful picture of marriage.

Not perfection.  Not constant happiness.

Not always getting our way.

But love.  Sacrifice.  Grace.  Commitment.

Growth.

And a willingness to allow God to work in both people to create and develop the marriage He dreamed and designed for you..

So if your marriage doesn't look exactly like the marriage you imagined before you got married, take a moment to consider whether your expectations need to change.

You may discover that you're not losing the marriage you thought you wanted.

You may actually be growing into a marriage that is deeper, stronger, and more meaningful than the one you imagined.

Sometimes marriage requires us to trade our expectations for grace—and our assumptions for intentional love.

And sometimes, that's where the real growth begins.

If you're interested in marriage counseling, please feel free to schedule a free 15 minute consultation by visiting my website at www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.

I provide counseling servuces virtually throughout TN, CA, OH, SC, and FL.